n' left out once again ...

maybe once again... left out.... things forgotten are reminded...always....with an example....n' real life examples are always so vivid!....i wonder why the law of average always works at the extremes....why can't it be the median way!!...i wonder why some stories are happier than the rest....

n' some stories.....some stories are always sadder than the rest!....probably my name is too hard to remember!

one more string broke....just one more!.... i guess it's alright....it's not so bad to stand outside...it's cold outside...but i guess it's alright.... maybe there're not many out there....but i guess it's alright!...but the choice that has to be made.....whether to give up tryin to get in....n' make my livin outside permanently....or keep on tryin to get in.....n' failin everytime!

n' i like... but i don't like

i like when i go out shoppin....i don't like when i come home empty handed.

i like kids specially playin with 'em...i don't like 'em when they snatch away my chocolate.

i like listenin to music even before i brush my teeth....i don't like when someone changes my playlist...specially when somethin is still playin n' i'm not yet done with my brushin.

i like to read horoscopes in newspapers a lot...i like 'em more when they tell somethin good.....i don't like it when someone else reads it out for me.

i like to talk on the phone when i'm half asleep n' half awake....i don't like the fact that i'm still talkin with 'em on the phone when i actually wanna do that with unbounded proximity.

i like to think...n' i do think a lot...i don't like to think when it comes down to the good old "why"..

i like to explain things a lot...n' i don't like explainin myself.

i like teasin my servant a lot...specially runnin after him n' makin him run.....i don't like my servant when he yells at me..like he did today!!**how rude**..[but i again liked him when he came to me with a smile on his face...sayin "sorry sorry"...pullin my cheeks..n' stealin a light kiss with his hand....when i was upside down in my bed...makin my rebellion agaist him...had actually plotted quite a few conspiracies...which included askin my dinner very late....givin a lot of laundry to do...deprivin him of the shirt that i was plannin to give him...n' finally complainin against him to the owner!!!..]

i like ratin holdin hands as higher compared to kissin n' actually bein physical..talkin in terms of arousal kind of stuff....i don't like when a close friend laughed at me when i confessed it...i never confessed it anywhere else from then on...this will be probably just the next!

i like when relationships are based on intellectualism rather than extreme emotions...i don't like when people consider emotions not to be a part of one's intellect.

i like movies a lot that deals with men n' women both involved in some prior relationship with other people...but finally decides to get together.....like "serendipity"..."you've got mail"..."when harry met sally"....not because i'm not a stable soul...but if you're with someone who's r-e-a-l-l-y good but you know there's someone even better....you "should" make the right choice...i know it's already soundin so unconvincin...but not to me..it's only one life that we'll get a chance to live...to make sure that we live it in the best possible way can't be too bad an idea!!....i don't like when a few words are given the divinity award without even havin good nominees ... like "love" ... "soulmate" ... "always".."i'll be there for you"..!!

i like to give some time to myself before acceptin the fact that i like someone for i just want to be sure....n' i don't like myself when i actually stop myself from acceptin the fact that i like someone.

i like things to find without askin....i don't like to be found.

p.s. i like to take long walks....but i don't like walkin when they dig out those big holes just about everywhere like they're doin right now!!!

n' i definitely don't like newly married people readin my blog...diggin deep inside....specially the one from..IBM Global Services In

dia!!!!!!

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old habits die hard...

I thought I shook myself free
You see I bounce back quicker than most
But i'm half delirious, Is too mysterious
You walk through my walls like a ghost
And I take everyday at a time
I'm as proud as a Lion in his Lair
Now there's no denying it, a note to crying it
You're all tangled up in my head

We haven't spoken in months
You see i've been counting the days
I dream of such humanities, such insanities
I'm lost like a kid and i'm late
But i've never taken your coats
Haven't no block on my phone
I act like an addict, i just got to have it
I can never just leave it alone

And I can't give you up
Can't leave you alone
And its so hard, so hard
And hard enough to feel the pain

Old habits die hard
Old soldiers just fade away
Old habits die hard
Harder than November rain
Old habits die hard
Old soldiers just fade away
Old habits die hard
Hard enough to feel the pain

life...chapter 101

basic definitions...

1. Tissue paper or wrapping tissue is a type of thin, translucent paper used for wrapping and cushioning items...used in the restaurants to wipe off hands n' mouth.

Some shops wrap delicate merchandise in folded or crumpled layers of tissue paper to protect it before placing it in bags or boxes for the purchaser.

Other common uses of tissue paper:

* To wrap gifts
* To cushion and prevent creases in clothing packed for travel or long-term storage

Summary : it's delicate...maynot be completely transparent...but very translucent....risks all of it's life to guarantee decoration...cushionin...n' never to forget...cleanin...

How to use : make sure you use it completely...till you're not completely satisfied... crush it...so that it tears apart...either leave it unattended...but if you're kind enough....accompany it to its home....the garbage can!


2. Television is a telecommunication system for broadcasting and receiving moving pictures and sound over a distance.

Summary : it's a box basically....almost impossible to conclude what actually lies within those walls of the box...but not much could be said about this conclusion...for not many really bother to do that!! people use it to kill their time...a medium for passin time in some entertainin way...tries its best to entertain the owner all of its life...no matter if there's a storm..either outside or within...comes even with a remote...you don't even need to touch it to make it work..but strangely enough...it still works with the same efficiency...**somethin off the record...to me...its efficiency disproves carnot theorem!!**

How to use : just plug it in...n' turn it on..that's it...as simple as it sounds...don't bother what the time is...what the situation is...what the location is....in most of the occassions... it works....stay with it as long as you feel the need to be entertained...n' when you feel like you're done...turn it off...until the next requirement...no hassle..no hanky panky....it works fine...till you want it to....if it's not servin your needs....replacement is found in the nearest show room.


3. A hosepipe or a garden hose is a kind of hose which is used for watering plants in a garden or a lawn. There are a number of common attachments available for the end of the hose, such as a sprayers and sprinklers.

Garden hoses are usually green in color, although they can be found in a variety of colors.

Summary : it's highly flexible...can be twisted....pressed hard...stretched....used for convinience...to reach for the flowers where the owner can't reach...very unbiased...treats the cacti n' the roses with the same care n' generousity ....but strangely enough...the passersbye even remark about those thorns...but don't really much consider a thought for the lonely ..creased hosepipe..that remains in some corner!

How to use : as it comes in different shapes n' sizes..with different fits n' extensions....is highly multi purpose...use it to carry the water where you can otherwise reach with great difficulty...at times to increase its efficiency to reach the distant...hold it tight in the front to increase the pressure n' thus the efficiency!

p.s. ....always remember....things are best as they're...no point in changin 'em...for again..they'll be as they're!....n' don't ever forget...life's fun!

class dismissed!

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if only once in a lifetime can happen twice...

i cut myself tonight...
to see if everything's alright.
i drifted inside the pain...
the only thing in me that shows.

i brought the needles near the wounds...
i'm not gonna stich you though...but wanna tear deep.
there ain't no use to take these pills...
for i remember everythin.

i sit inside the castle...
with the jester's broken crown...
there're too many unknotted threads...
somethings i can never tie

under the burrow of the wheels...
the feelings shall fade away.
though i meet someone else...
the story repeats itself.

what have i become
...when all i wanted to be me.
everyone i find goes away...n' so will you...
i want to give it all...
but this bowl of scum is all i have.

i could have ended it miles before...
if only i knew how to start.
i feel i could have myself...
if only i knew a way.

how green was my valley...

i've forgotten....i've forgotten how the sun used to kiss those fields....when it woke up just after a night's sleep.....i've forgotten the sound of the wind when it moans with the movie greenness....i've forgotten how all those cranes used to go out for shoppin....they liked those fishes so much!

i forgot....that there's still a lot of greenness left....not on the other side!..but right here...it's just that i landed on the other side now!

it's all the same....only the leaves are missin..which used to be..when i used to walk over there...

my games.......they were all mine..there was all me...n' i used to win once...

there's only one mover....in a long windin road...

there's always one...just one!

i know they aren't willows....but they whisper..they do....atleast to me!

there was fog sometimes...but they were not vague....trust me...they were not.

n' one evenin..it started to rain...

n' it rained n' it rained n' it rained....

n' it didn't want to stop...

then one day..suddenly....the sun came up!...as if the clouds ran out of stock...

n' the sky?...the sky shinned a different kind of blue...

n' yes....the flowers did bloom!

n' there she is..for she has to be..as in all great stories...."the soul mate"....my soul mate!...the only problem i face...she doesn't quite understand what a soul mate is!....i guess i'll have to wait for a while..let her grow up.....my romance gonna survive..if i manage to carry on my 20 year plan...that is to survive!

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I love you"

I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world

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few random grains of sand....

stay away from the window son...it's too high....but don't worry mommy ...no one's here..nobody's gonna push me.... you never know...someone might.







i just wished the truth was true.... the right was right.... thoughts remain tied down....where i stand... i meet the ground.





but you won't let those robots defeat me...they don't believe me.






don't remain

silent please....
it reminds me of the vacant spaces....when
nothin happens...makes me wonder...




why
do gravity acts on tears...

can't it leave 'em alone....or else
i could have found a million drops floatin all around my bed.... i wish i could play with 'em.




but you won't let those robots defeat me...they don't believe me.




why i'm not sure about


anythin

when i wanted to be

so not wrong about life again?.... why do i still find those drops
clingin onto those lemons?

twinklin sound of the metal

makes me shiver....so does the sound of the fallin
grains of sand from my hands....



is there
a possibility that a two headed

romance can survive.....when you still find yourself when you know you've given
yourself.


they push me mommy....
they push me behind....
n' nobody
understands...nobody
does....nobody will.






but you won't let those robots defeat me...they don't believe me.



i
wander
in
the
desert
of
joy
....does it go together....

but

do

i

go

together...

mommy was i adorable when i was a kid?...

did daddy

make efforts to make me
smile while i sat on the park




bench....


n' when
did


frankenstein n'
scooby doo die?

no i don't know you...you don't me...but i like you..n' you couldn't possibly care less.....n' the elevator just got stuck?..can we make our confessions now..as to what we're gonna do when we ever get out!

but you won't let those robots defeat me...they don't believe me.
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here i'm...

when the old lady rocks in the arm chair..with the knittin needles in her hand....
some knots just slip away when she helds the thread real tight...
n' when she raises her eyebrow the ball just rolls away...
here i'm.....right there i'm....

the parked car at a hyper market...the horn reminds you of a symphony...
when you hear your heatbeats moanin into some unrhymed melody...
when you're not too sure if it's you or your thoughts keep wanderin more...
here i'm...right there i'm...

when you tell the bed time story to the little child...
the story of a rebel that got a legend on his back...
n' just when you find no answer to a question of that child...
here i'm...right there i'm...

when the sign boards sway apart when a fast car crosses it...
you see the light that kiss the grasses who see the car go by...
when you're not too sure if the sign board blocks its vision...or it's just the empty street...
here i'm...right there i'm...

when you see that lonely glance...in a lonely stranger's eyes...
when you're not too sure who kept that can in the empty windy road...
the weak kick that he strikes to the can makes it fly away...
n' lands up in the bushes n' it can't see that stranger again...
here i'm....right there i'm....

when he steps inside a restaurant...outnumbered ...he takes the seat...
the corner seems not to bother...but he feels there are eyes to meet...
n' just when the waiter turns for his table...but only finds the cigarette foil...
here i'm....right there i'm...

when the night begins to howl...n' you're at page 69 of some mystique novel
n' you feel like you've seen some word you like ...just when you turned the page...
n' as you rolled your eyes to find it again...but just don't make it through...
here i'm...right there i'm....


here i'm....bearin my cross...
there i'm....startin to end...
here i'm....right there i'm...

if it has to be the lemon tree...then let it be.

why can't i still make it out..that people don't want me...why?....when it's so so obvious....is it so hard to accept it?.....but i've accept truths that are bitter than that.......realities that are even harsher than that...n' few..i'm yet to digest..not even swallowed..but have still kept inside my mouth........n' the rudest part......whenever i decide to swallow n' digest it forever......i'm not allowed to.....i'm not.

clouds chase me when i want the blue skies....
probably isolation is best for me n' i'm gonna sit under this lemon tree.

here in the mountain ash hollow...

i still long for the symphony to hear...i'm who?...the deaf.
i hear the dreams whisperin to me...n' tell me "follow"...i'm who?...the blind.

i long for those kisses...i find it where?....in the fire.
n' what remains is all grey in dust now.

i head for the staircase ...with the company of broken footsteps.
i look for a support....i find what? ...handrails made of darkness.

i long for the wind...n' i'm who?...that dry broken leaf.
i'm the colorblind who sees grasshoppers in grey pastures.

i intended to live forever...i'm who?..the moth fly.
i tried to make a home....i ended where?...in the loneliest valleys.

n' now i stand alone..here in the mountain ash hollow.
i guess i'm the lonely hunter...who hunts on a lonely hill.

O never a green leaf whispers, where the green-gold branches swing:
O never a song I hear now, where one was wont to sing.
Here in the heart of Summer, sweet is life to me still,
But my heart is a lonely hunter that hunts on a lonely hill.

p.s. i couldn't find the keys to my locker....my friend brought it home when he came back from a near by restaurant...the shopkeeper asked me for a 15...when i handed him a 30...n' a very curious question followed upon..."why 30?"...yesterday i wanted to hear a cd....i searched almost for an hour but i couldn't find...finally i did...it was inside the cd player....the day before i woke up at 9 in the mornin...looked at the watch but somehow saw 3....but how?...when 3 n' 9 are just mirror opposites....but i still saw.....even woke up someone who was sleepin peacefully..."get up it's very late"...

i don't know...

i guess i know somethin...

that sometimes 24 hours is way too much for a day....for just few hours ago....when i finally got this laptop after a few days....i thought i'd blog....about the day...when i do so...i actually recall back the whole day....capturin all the details...that maybe are very unimportant....but i do it...for i don't trust my memory much...n' readin it after a while makes me happy.......n' someway or the other...i always end up writin about those small things...which i always rate very high......tonight i was thinkin of writin about the bike ride on this sunday night....ride on the deserted roads.....the tarrot card reader...the pretty tarrot card reader!...standin all alone......me actually thinkin if i see her again standin on the same point as she was then when i made the first pass....while i was on my way back.....she'd be definitely single...for it was late..for everyone not single won't stay at that point in the night all alone.....for it'd take me a while to come back to that point...for it was a complete stupid logic that hold no reason at all....for it was me who actually formulated that logic....that somehow didn't sound good..but felt good...like always!!!!...me comin back......and probably anti-murphy struck...she was standin at the same location...i was pretty sure even about the co-ordinates.....n' i actually shouted out..not in a loud manner...but still...can be rated as a nano shout..."yesssssss"...i don't know why i did that...for i'd probably never ever see her again....n' even if i do....i won't do anythin...but probably a sudden rush....whatever....

n' that was all i was about to write....in a more narrative..third person get-up....in a longer version...but i'd have....for that's all that actually happened in the whole day..that's incidentally genuine (**incidentally genuine??? what kind of phrase is that???**)..n' someway or the other...i wasn't too happy with the subject...for i don't really rate somethin like this to be written off....n' god bless the cell phone.....it buzzed........n' it'll be safe enough to say this...."i had the best conversation in my last 24 years ...over phone!"...n' i don't really care what sort of reaction or equations that person form when this whole thing is published......but i've to write it here...for this is somethin i'm always gonna treasure...why not!...the aunty at the store...when she told me that she brought "fruit n' nuts" just for me before the scheduled time...just because i asked her about it....4 times a day......i treasured that statement in my great box...this is way too too too big ......i've to treasure it..i ain't got no choice.

i can't even make statements that i like librans a lot..for it won't sound that nice when i say so....but i do.....n' when both of 'em talk when the balance is completely stable....i mean they rock!!!!..the best sound i ever heard...when logic collides with one another.........when difference of opinions are actually shown so much of respect.......expressions never really dwelled with librans...for they're somewhat bad in it.....specially the males......it's not that they don't wanna do it....but it's just that they can't.....but the fact still remains......two librans can actually express.....when they're left alone...probably all the theoretical findings are probably axiomatized today!!!....if only librans can always express.......but that theory also proclaims....two librans can never stay together for long...somethin that's really bitin me a lot right now....for that theory is already in the paper..i can't change it...but whatever.......what stays forever?

but i guess it's one of the rarest of occassions when librans actually talk about 'em selves....n' when they do..it sounds a bit funny..for it has to....it's unusual...but like always..it's way too different........for what they say is absolute truth (**that sounded so divine..bullshit!!**)no fancy words...no wrappers to make things look better.

i've already told you this before...that you're very good....n' i also wrote this..i say this but i can't explain this..for i can only feel this...but probably this is because of the intelligience factor that we both can touch.......i'm not sayin our intelligience is way above normal....but talkin about co-ordination of that intelligience.......when you someway try n' visualize the other person's images....n' we actually do it...for i rate it high...for both of us actually understand somethin..maybe we understand us.......but we can't explain what we understand.......i rate that helplessness within me to explain somethin but failin like always... as high......n' i rate that ability in you to understand that helplessness in me to explain n' failin...as even higher...........i said a lot of things about you in that mail...probably i was all over the place...probably that's why you got a different picture...for probably your reply was even more out of place!!!!!!... but i even rate that inability in both of us to actually present n' understand.... but i actually admire the logic...that somehow i can relate to ...with mine......i adore those explanations that took refuge in the grounds of reason..no matter how unreasonable they're.....i adore those confessions we both can make..when we reach a time...when we don't have to think what impact those confessions will create.....for that's what librans always think....what impact will one confession can create.....probably readin all the possible permutations..they're actually ready for one!!!!....but i never thought there would be such a rare night when librans can make confessions without carin about those impacts...not because they don't wanna care...or they've had enough....but somehow they tend to believe....the other person can see beyond those confessions.

but somethin which actually bother me so often....perfect things don't last long...but somehow i'm gainin this belief...that somethin might......the fact that i wanna see you happy will last long......the fact that i actually wanna tear you into pieces when you say "break up" in the future tense will last long....the fact that i don't want you to go through all those bad times will last long......

i say i treasure these moments for i found you real close in 'em......i say i treasure these moments for i feel it's always good to know somethin.....i say some equations are way too perfect...that tryin to balance 'em will actually destroy the equillibrium.....n' i still say...you're way too cute!

Confessions Of An Idiotic Mind!!!

i'm havin shadows of regrets that the "k" theory won't work on you!!!!!!..i wish it had a corollary!!!

p.s. i end this post not with a fullstop but with a smile
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things happen...but not when they should!

i look...but i don't see...when i hear...no one actually speaks...tears come out...when the day's fine...n' i hold on when the thunder strikes....things seem absolute...when it deals with general relativity....n' things don't really mean what's apparent...few points are never collinear...n' a few...never coincides....reflections are required when there's a big shadow...n' it wants to rain when the kites fly....babies cry when the mom's away....n' it's more cold when i kicked the blanket away...when i try to make the symphony...there're 5 strings in the guitar...i thought i wrote some meaningful lines...but the words that i used..were with wrong spellings....i tend to think of the history when the geography teacher comes in....n' when i land up alone in an elevator.....i meet the gynaecologist!

few things happen before i actually want 'em...n' when i want 'em....they don't...n' when they do...i forget that i once wanted 'em...2+2 = 3 or 5 or 6 or even 97..but never 4.

p.s. how am i?

just had a bad day...

i miss...i cry....i find situations where decisions are hard to take...but they're needed to be taken.... times push me...to do things i don't want to...i'm lost....i'm feelin your absence more than your presence...if only you could have seen me once...here i'm...with arms wide open...with tears still flowin...if only you could have grabbed me....i felt i'd have felt better...but not to be...not to be!

where is the moment i needed the most
you kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me my blue skies fade to grey
They tell me my passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

i stand in the line just to hit a new low
i'm faking a smile with the coffee to go
they tell me my life's been way off line
i'm falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause i had a bad day
i'm taking one down
i sing a sad song just to turn it around
i say i don't know
i tell you don't lie
i work at a smile and go for a ride
i had a bad day
The camera don't lie
you're coming back down and i really don't mind
i had a bad day
i had a bad day

Well i need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what i say
And I don't need no carryin' on

i had a bad day
i'm taking one down
i sing a sad song just to turn it around
i say i don't know
i tell you don't lie
i work at a smile and go for a ride
i had a bad day
The camera don't lie
you're coming back down and i really don't mind
i had a bad day

sometimes the system goes on the blink
and the whole thing turns out wrong
i might not make it back and i know
that i couldn't be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when i needed the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause i had a bad day
i'm taking one down
i sing a sad song just to turn it around
i say i don't know
i tell you don't lie
i work at a smile and go for a ride
i had a bad day
i've seen what i like
And how does it feel for more than one time
i had a bad day
i had a bad day

well maybe i'm not an alien...but i'd like to be one!!

why do the phone sometimes stay so silent as if it were still mournin the vietnam war...n' at times it doesn't stop ringin....n' when it doesn't..why can't i stop smilin??

why do they have physical identicals ...infact more than one....but no emotional identicals..not even one??

why after the sunday come the monday...n' why not the halloween's day??

why do you never miss a wrong number or when it's you who have dialed the wrong number...you never find it engaged!??

why do our neighbours...all of 'em except yourself...have an alarmin eyesight n' a very loose tongue??

why do some girls don't have ears??

why do they have to stick the nipples in the chest of the show case dolls in big showrooms?..can't women imagine how the dress gonna look without 'em??

why do people whom you love very dearly most often end up sayin "you always remind me of someone else"..!!??...don't they know they can be rude even when they're smilin??

why do the time bombs in the movies have wires ..all with different colors?...isn't that a statement ..that the villain has a colorful personality?..then why don't the heroines like him much?

why do the girls in the sanitary napkin's ad....are all so happy n' jumpin when they wear "that" company's thing...n' all the other girls...they look so sad??!!!...it makes such an enthrallin effect on me...every time i see a girl on the street... who looks really happy n' her friends not so happy...i actually feel she's wearin "that" sanitary napkin!!!
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n' a phone call...

what really happens with me...somethin i can't explain...i tend to sway between the extremes ...*sigh*..this phone call....really brought me back to senses...i feel like a newborn...i feel someone again gave me a little bit of credit to spend somethin i refer to as life....a voice seemed to be lightyears away...but said the words i really wanted to hear...words that are actually cliched...words that are not at all special...those normal kind of works...that sometimes overshadow n' overtake the words of a thousand gifted poets...n' glad i'm with myself..that i still have those ears to hear each n' every word n' can recognize the spark which they actually possess.....man i feel so special...."i need a partner to walk with"...probably you don't even know how heavy actually these words are....but right now i'm walkin slowly... carryin 'em with both of my hands..to make sure i don't mess 'em...i don't wanna lose 'em..i wanna carry 'em for a while.

p.s. ...just felt like i still have a life that i kept somewhere over there...that call made me realize.... that life is still alive..i'm yet to be forgotten....people do miss me!

Once I was something but I can't remember whatever that something should be...

the balance always swayed n' no kid played on the sea-saw...
..the pendulum ticks...when those heart beats missed.
the holes are dug where the heart remains...
n' now i only find my brain where my mind used to live once..

i look for me ...the once..in your laughter
...but i more often find me in your tears...the now.
tears that sometimes come out..they do.
but find 'em selves stray...without reasons.
...these tears are me..who can't move back..
they came out..only to get lost.
wiped out..even the last trace..unwanted they're.

still i get shadows...
palm trees, stray kites, small goats n' bicycles
...the sunsets once waited for are only seen on the tv.
every now n' then i feel me...n' too much of televised time
the conventional me that you more often see
is the cast away matter in me.
the bowl of scum which you don't see
is actually what i refer to by me.
the times that are..
n' the times that were..
n' occassional pieces of me...

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah
Well I never pray but tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, let me feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now...

tarot card reader Vs. chicken momo

the day began with a rather hilarious note....i gotta say i'm definitely breathin some sweeter air these days...for i was made to smile...or rather laugh...when i was still in my bed...not completely out of my sleep....when i got this amusingly strange sms from a guy i got to know recently....i mean to say we're still to form those deeper bonds...but that first sms was really nerve ridin!..."i start my day with the beautiful face of my love in my mind n' hope i can bring a smile to her face through this message! very good morning!"....i'd say that message was quite like an alarm....though i wasn't in a real mood to take that opportunity to get out of my bed....but even while i was closin my eyes again....only one phrase echoed inside my brain..."what the hell was that?"......"i mean my love??"....now when i was regainin back my sleepfulness.....another sms came that was both relievin n' funny...."disregard the previous message...obviously it wasn't for you!"....that message was enough to bring a smile...n' i lost my sleep when another message came in..that really made me laugh so much that i almost fell down from my bed..."khabardaar kisiko bataya to..".....so that was how the day started...with a definite kick!

the afternoon began with the cancellation of a meetin...n' i didn't mind much..for somethin has to go not accordin to the schedule.....n' it was pretty much fine with me....n' then came my horrible mistake.....was only hopin that my mistake remained undetected...i'm not quite sure about that....but still keepin my fingers crossed....it was easily one of my worst made mistakes...if not the worst!...but still funny enough!

evenin started with re-schedulin of the meetin that was cancelled in the afternoon....venue - barista, m.g. road....that was followed by a walk in the small cultural fest goin on in the park opposite to barista....where nothin was much attractin me....just when i saw this attractive lady sittin there with tarot cards....just felt like my future was quite beautiful sittin right in front!...both me n' "n" approached her....but saw somethin else...."tarot card readin @250/-".... n' both of us paused just there!...."i never knew my future was so costly"..."when we both know it's not that pretty either!"....n' it was instantaneously decided that chicken momo was a far better option...so we headed for our newly decided destination.....venue - house of tibet, dubai plaza, brigade road.

now a personal note...i really like this place....not that food's excellent ....even the music isn't so good there.....actually that place makes me feel like i'm a drug lord!....for the people that comes over there......man!..they look so dangerous....with a heavy built n' long hair....looks like some mafia films....n' mafia films are always so fascinatin!

n' just when we brought our momo's..."n"....started this strange thing......."this shirt's really lookin nice on you......n' you know what...your choice is excellent.....far better than "k"...".....n' i was shocked....."i never knew i was in some kind of competition....but who actually kept the scores...i could have definitely performed better if i was aware of it!!"...."nah...no competition...no scores....just that the circle i keep in touch with....they always keep on proclaimin that "k" has quite an exquisite touch of style makin!"

....n' then the conversation drifted to more familiar grounds....stupidity!.....this beautiful girl with persian looks entered the restaurant.....she belonged to that category of girls that we refer to "the girl without any ears!"......"this is my second encounter with her....she's quite pretty n' she works for 24/7"...."how do you know so much?"...."i know because i must know!"...."oh my god!!"

n' as usual..."n" had to be a bit fascinated after seein all those chinky females..that were growin in numbers.....i never understood why he was always so fascinated by 'em!...."look at her....look how's she grabbin the boy?"...."how?"...."don't you see any difference?"...."difference from what?"..."difference from the non-chinky ones...a non-chinky one will never grab like this"......"really?...i never knew that!!"

n' by now...the place was filled with too many faces with scars...all resembled drug lords!!...n' we headed our way out of it.....thought of walkin on brigade road...i always loved walkin there...n' "n" was really makin those high end statements which i always tend to hear like an obedient disciple...just when anti climax struck with the highest decibels!!...again an sms...this time for "n"...."bring two kgs of rice when you come back home"...n' the invisible halo that was created around "n" with all his statements vanished in no time.......i almost fell down..i was laughin so hard!!!!

i came back to join somethin i like to an exceedingly extent......"h" bought almost a completely new wardrobe for him....4 shirts n' 3 trousers....that too with an extent of bargainin ...."are you kiddin me?"....n' i always like this post shoppin discussion....when the new buyer tries to justify that his bargain was an excellent one...tryin to extract every possible compliment from each person in the room....n' there dwelled another section...which would proclaim that their previous bargain was even better than this one......but whatever it is...i'd still rate all these as wholesome fun.....

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god knows i'm happy...

well i probably figured out today......it's very difficult to define what happiness is....for if you scrutinize factors that lead you to it...or rather through it..for that's how you feel......you find those factors very unreliable...but strangely..they tend to work!

somethin happened today that made me so happy...n' it made me think when was the last time i got happy for such reasonless happiness.....first thing that came to my mind was when i had the sizzlin brownie n' i got a free t-shirt alongwith it......i can't really explain why i was so happy...but it actually brought a real...true..n' meaningful smile all in n' around my face...

i become extremely happy when i buy "branded" clothes in some heavy discount sale.....happiness that kisses me when i buy a book....i tend to look at that book for a while before i actually begin to read it.....the smell of the pages...all so new...makes me r-e-a-l-l-y happy....recently when i bought my new wallet...i thought i was pretty much happy....i didn't feel like fillin that wallet....n' i kept on lookin at it for a long time....n' finally when it was actually made to use....i ended up tellin about it...that i'd bought a new wallet..to possibly every person that happened to talk to me....even told about it to people very far away from me...n' infact ...while doin so...i ended up bein even happier...because someone gave such a weird reaction when i told about it...alright...weird maybe a little too strong...but this was definitely not from the shelf!!..."why?...why did you buy a wallet?..didn't you have one before?"...these were the exact words....n' these words actually made me happy....somethin i can't explain....for probably there were no valid reasons for that....but still....maybe there were a few invalid reasons!

n' today...i met my two friends...n' i'm so happy....n' strangely enough...i can very well disguise all my sufferings n' pain that i go through...i somehow can still bring that smilin face....but couldn't really hide the happiness from my face..from my voice....it's so radiant...."n" first came up...venue – "forum" .... the usual statements first of all to start off....n' then came the weird ones!!..."it's really been a while since the last time i met you"..."yeah..even i'm meetin you after a long time"...."now what's that suppose to mean?? huh!..if i'm meetin you after a long time...that will easily hold for both of us ..isn't it?"....n' that's how it all began.....n' before that ....actually i received a compliment from "n"...that i was lookin real young..like in the college...which really made me quite happy....for this age issue was really botherin me for a while....had a brief 7 minute discussion with madhatter over phone...somethings which he never liked...this was one of those topics...he belongs to that category who don't really wanna see me fallin...n' always keeps on sayin this..on n' on....that i'm yet to see my best!....[just somethin off the record....i'm so in love with you madhatter.... n' believe me....if it was in the vicinity of possibilitihood...i was "so" gonna make love to you!!....but poor(or lucky) us!! **sigh**]...but i was not very concerned about physical oldness....but when "n" gave this compliment...i took that completely...n' didn't really bother to examine its physiology.

we both were standin right in front of "transit"...which we termed as "gate 2"...one of our code words among those many!....when "n" was axiomatizin the likings of the girl community for "nik-nish"...when it was just about to fall under the 7 minute discussion category..."b" showed up....n' strangely enough...he gave me the same compliment....n' honestly speakin .....i was blushin a bit ...but did well to conceal it...like i'm always so good in it!...for blushin i was...more so....for all three of us were more or less of the the same age group....n' when the other two were actually acceptin it about my age issue....the younger thing...i mean i felt i shouldn't be takin oldness as a issue anymore...or atleast for a while!

n' then the discussions went .....exactly in the directions it should have....in short....in those unmarooned lands of stupidity...where reasons definitely took a back seat....n' has no real intentions to come to the front seat for a while....n' though we didn't really talk for a single moment about our days gone by.....it was still somekind of an artistic flash back.....where topics actually flew.....when "b" actually points towards the pretty girls in his strange code language....where he actually refers to 'em by their race...yeah it's pretty strange..but even more strange...we're gettin used to it..n' trace his pick without any real efforts....."caucasoid look....see the aryan"....when we actually played the role of those critics when we saw probably all sorts of low cuts that a woman could acutally wear!!..infact we're closely approachin a 7 minute discussion if those "burkha wali's" indulged 'em selves with low cuts beneath those shades of blackness.....talked about my recent failures...n' could actually laugh over 'em.....the strange accent of the american lady n' her even stranger "ok's"....that perhaps "dis-"ok-"eyed" all my month long efforts....i mean we laughed about 'em.....probably that's the best way to get rid of your blues...ride alongwith it!..n' it works.

n' the whole evenin ended up with such a strikin chord...madhatter called...now it's nothin at all like that he calls me very infrequently....infact we barely remain "un"talked...but his call was all that i was wantin then...for a slight absence was strikin me...probably way back in my mind..but that was there..n' his call really made that gone.......n' even he could feel it that i was really really high....damn...i still can't hide my happiness... n' i so easily could feel it...that he was growin a bit happy too...to hear me happy.....that's sweet of you...."that's why i said thank you ...you dumbo!"...but "nevermind??"..."i mean why?"...but whatever....i'm really touched by this happiness....a lot....now lately i get scared by such happiness....for it's always succeeded by somethin real bad....but today...i really want to ignore all of 'em..not because i've started to believe that they won't get repeated....maybe they'll....maybe they won't...but for this moment ....i just want to be happy....really purely happy!

p.s. here's raisin a toast to my happiness!
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n' i took a walk...

late night walks...always turn me on......sometimes they even puzzle me...why i tend to like 'em so much....n' lately i've been feelin....i was always rude to 'em....not exactly rude...but neglected my late night walks....as my mind's always filled with all dirt...dye...both bleached n' soaked... those dust i dust off from my head ....i was tendin to believe that it came from my mind...after those long walks.... but never actually thought about 'em in particular....my mind always seemed to be occupied or pre-occupied with so many matters.......both depressin n' comic... i believe i never even once considered to think about those walks ....that was harsh.

so tonight i thought i shall press the compensate button...don't really know where's the compensate button....but probably it'll be on the same switch board which bears the panic button!...n' i went out....actually it'd had sound a lot better if i went out on the "streets with no name"...but that wasn't to be!....it was the notorious M.G. road...n' i'm not quite sure why i actually wrote the word notorious...but felt nice..anyway....so i had to wait a while..to let this city sleep....though there's...there're so many hypes relatin to this city...particularly for its night life....there was a time when i used to believe 'em..but no more....this city actually didn't make me wait so much...for it sleeps a bit early....or should i say .....atleast it pretends to sleep.... if you make a long phone conversation ...takin a passionate walk in the street just outside your apartment...when you actually want to know the rhythm of the wind....generally a qualis comes near you.....a man or rather a police man showin you a big torch....reminds me of all those olympics shooters who brought gold for their country...for they can hit the light exactly at your pupils!....n' when i'm reminded by 'em that where i live in is what they say a friendly neighborhood.....where friendliness strictly means no phone conversations under the sky...do it under the roofs!...where you're always under strict rules of the neighborhood...i can't express my true joy"ish" feelings through my uninhibited laughter...for if i do so...my neighbour's gonna come out with a very depressin face n' a big frown just like he did a couple of days ago..."don't you know my daughter's sick?"....**now how the hell am i gonna know that??..i don't even know this guy had a daugther of his own!!!...but just a passin thought...how old would she be?...but whatever!!**....n' such torch light threatenings n' neighbourhood's rebukes easily crush all those night life legendary folklores that are so believable!

i didn't quite look at my watch....but it was sometime in n' around 1:30 n' 2..... this city was growin a bit colder...specially in the nights....i was feelin comfortable n' infact cozy inside my brown jacket.....n' i found myself standin at the traffic signal at the junction of st. mark's road n' m.g. road....this was a long time wish....i really wanted to walk right through the middle of m.g. road...n' i made my slow motioned walk towards brigade road juntion......but instead of lookin ahead ....my head was turnin, firstly sidewards...n' as i kept on walkin....without actually feelin the need to look ahead.....it turned back....the big neon sign board of "LIC" was to be blamed for this...not me!....suddenly realizin the fact that i'm once again driftin from my primary mission of this walk...which was actually to walk n' nothin more......i refocused my aim......n' glad i did that.....probably it's one of the best sights in the city...to see almost the whole of m.g road....till the brigade road junction...all marooned......when you hear the wind is actually whisperin in your ears....a kind of seduction which you somehow can't ignore.

n' then it started to happen...this thought process that i was conceivin all along me........maybe since long time back......that came alive amidst those ramshackle huts of memories....that somehow remained hidden...n' my certain likings were questioned tonight....that why i like certain things....that probably don't mean much.......these neon lights were first raped by the scrutiny theory....that why i bend my neck more often to catch a glimpse of 'em....even while i'm inside a fast movin vehicle......why i like this sound this wind makes when it blows away bits of papers...n' i keep on lookin at 'em...movin like fishes in the air.......the likin that i bear...for this thick vapour....that's always produced when i take a hot bath......leavin its marks on the mirror.....won't let see anythin.....n' then finally i wipe it off to see my own face....i'm quite sure these're even less than ordinary things..yes i know....then why it leaves certain goose pimples in my otherwise dry skin....well the otherwise have been used here for reasons....i thought i'd a oily skin when i was home.....but i don't know if i changed or my skin....but somethin did....it's quite dry in here...n' so is my skin.

all these thought processes were suddenly shaken by this fast movin qualis....sometimes these vehicles move so fast that suddenly you tend to think even faster which side you're walkin...but not really in my case...as i was always so aware that i was right in the middle!...yes the driver can give me the rudest of the stares in the history of indian traffic community.....but not even that can make me take the footpath....i was right there...the junction of m.g. road n' brigade road.

n' i regain back my senses...to go back to my demi-trance state....a couple of moments ago..i was thinkin about my certain likings...n' more accurately...why i make 'em so special....when there's nothin much special about 'em....n' i thought of somethin then.....i realized that probably then ....i'm quite aware of myself ....for then i know...i'm actually quite lonely in there.......so lonely that i no longer feel alone.......i tend to believe that loneliness is with me....all the time.....i tend to believe that the shadow that keeps on walkin with me all the while is actually loneliness that's brought to animation.......the wind which turns those newspapers into fishes....that keeps on swimmin in the air....is also hittin me...n' in someway i tend to believe that it's makin me swim as well.........everytime i wipe that mirror in my bathroom as i take a shower.....n' see my face.......probably i feel i've found myself amidst those clouds of vapours all around me........

n' just when the neon light theorem was about to be axiomatized....i realized the fact that indiranagar is actually not so near to m.g. road!.....it's actually quite far.....while i travelled by vehicle.....i never found that......atleast now i could say i discovered somethin new...which these city dwellers don't know!!!....it's actually somewhere around between 3 n' 4 km.......well every brilliant story has somewhat a trace of anti climax.....the mere thought of that figure actually was makin me more tired than i actually was.......but i was somehow glad i didn't have to think so much ....for there was no way i could find another option there.....you can't expect anythin when it was nearin 3......i took the old madras road...n' somehow realized why it's always called the "old" madras road....yeah it looked old.......though i kept walkin ....i very well knew....home was far.....home's a far far place from here!

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how much can one line say?

maybe they had a ridiculous statement to make about something they hadn't experienced possibly i had a different opinion that nobody'd ever considered important and damn it if norman and betty were listening somebody would have become a phenomenal howling lightning tampering with the electrical evidence shown to be relevant possibly with the exception of ivory everyone else had abandoned the obvious chipping away at erroneous garbage which definitely is as exciting as pudding deliciously spooned from the lap of the ludicrous into the mouths of the questionless idiots licking their lips as their eyeballs are rolling and flapping their tongues as they're losing their marbles to someone who wasn't related to anyone twisted the facts till the truth was apparent and dished up a dollop of dubious doo-doo that sparkled like something folks scrambled to swallow slipping the rich through the catcher of the eye of a needle is easy as getting a camel to heaven and granny transgressing had blubbered a bibful of classified info on milton's imbroglio stoppin my ramblin n' gamblin i don't do much these days thinkin about all the changes that came my way wonderin if i'll ever see another highway to live the life i've made in a song as i've been losin so long still continuin to dream which don't spare me much sittin on cornerstones n' countin the time in quarterstones to ten.

another corollary of murphy's law...

why?..why murphy why?...does this age belong to you?...or is it just me!!...you're gonna miss the the phone call which you wait for...but why?...i don't miss the wrong numbers...do i?..no..never!!!...i always end up gettin 'em...explainin what went wrong with 'em while dialin the numbers....n' sometimes i don't even know their language..but still...the explanation works...you keep your phone with you...all the time...sometimes you even look at it...not as a sign of desperation...but hope...but no..9 out of 10 times..the phone won't ring....but just when you're takin a shower...or sleepin after you come back home at 6 in the mornin...or just went outside in a hurry n' forgot your cell in your bed...the calls generally come...they do!...now what the hell is this....a conspiracy theory???..do you know what adverse effects it can impose??..a man could possibly die!...i mean things can happen you know...what if the other person never calls...what if amnesia strikes to that other person n' the phone call history just erased from the mind..i mean there's a possibility...now great minds can tell me..you can always call back...yeah in "most" occassions i can...not even in most..in "some" occassions i can....but thanks to yet another corollary of murphy's law....of all those missed calls that you receive..."most"..i said "most" of those missed calls belong to the category to whom you can't "possibly" call back..thanks to some dominatin entities...damn!!!...so what's the next best thing you can do now....wait..keep on waitin..without any indication...when next time that person gonna call...i mean it's so unfair!

p.s. is the number of missed calls in your cell directly proportional to the magnitude of the intensity people miss you...or is inversely proportional to the good luck you bear for spendin a few happy moments with a person you love to spend with?????

i was still happy...

yeah i was...i was still happy till now...but got really depressed when i saw this picture....fists clenched....bit my dry lips quite hard infact...it's bleedin now...probably they were too dry......n' i'm not quite sure are these tears in my eyes......not quite sure if i'm angry or sad...but definitely depressed.

i feel i'm growin older...

a late night conversation....intention - casual...turned into somekind of a serious one...not really serious one...casually serious.......probably the conversation drifted in the direction exactly where it should have...

kansky : hey!
trager : hey
kansky : was somehow thinkin about you...
trager : i knew that.
kansky : was actually expectin your phone call tonight...seriously!
trager : don't you think you're wastin your youth!
kansky : ok i wasn't expectin...i was kind of hopin that!
trager : do you really believe that makes the picture look better?

trager : so what about the exams?
kansky : what about 'em?..fine...yeah fine!
trager : what's tomorrow?
kansky : CAP
trager : n' people always love to use acronyms while they talk to me...specially those who know i absolutely suck in 'em!
kansky : computer aided ...**made to pause by trager**
trager : whatever...like always ...all depends on the prof.
kansky : like always.

kansky : so trager...did you have your dinner or are you again keepin yourself hungry?
trager : actually i did have my dinner tonight!
kansky : so you still find yourself alive!
trager : hmm...unfortunately yes.
kansky : unfortunately?
trager : hmm....this is somethin i'm not very proud of.
kansky : shut up!
trager : really...
**pause**
trager : kansky...i really feel i'm gettin old!
kansky : i believe we once had this discussion before?
trager : really?
kansky : yeah...n' when i told you you can't get old....you can only be older than someone else.
trager : then probably i'm growin older than the rest!
kansky : you can't grow older than the rest.
trager : then why am i havin this feelin?...for i don't feel without any reason.

i feel like this old person in the house whom you always find in an easy chair......unable to take part in any part...who's only informed about matters...who's actually invited to have this birthday cake....but no one really bothers to inform him..who's actually havin this birthday...who's actually treated like a photo frame...but seriously kansky...i don't like bein old or older either... i still want to be a part of everythin...but i don't end up with........n' what i end up with?...not bein a part of nothin.
kansky : will it make any difference to you if i say you still mean the same like you used to?
trager : i always know that kansky ...you don't have to tell me that...n' so do you....but that really doesn't help much....for you're too far....you're too far...n' i'm here.
**he hurries with his words**
but it's ok...i hate when i sound like this....you study...do well tomorrow!
kansky : ok i'll do that...but...
trager : n' just for the record...i'm gonna listen to Meat Puppets whole night!
kansky : well now i feel i'm wastin my youth!
trager : yes you're...good night!
kansky : good night!

KOI NAHIN...KOI BHI NAHIN...NA PAAS NA DUR
EK YAAR HAI...DIL KI DHADKAN
APNI CHAHAT KA JO ELAAN KIYE JAATI HAI
EK ZINDAGI HAI JO JIYE JAATI HAI
KHOON KE GHOONT PIYE JAATI HAI
KHWAAB KAATON SE SIYE JAATI HAI

AB NA KOI PAAS HAI
PHIR BHI EHSAAS HAI
RAAHION MEIN ULJHI PARI
JINE KI EK AAS HAI
YAADON KA JUNGLE YE DIL
KAATON SE JALTHAL YE DIL

p.s. trager : recently i read somewhere...some kind of survey being done....that revealed that most girls are fascinated by older men!...but it made me wonder....are there any surveys bein done which would reveal...how many men actually wanted to grow older!....trust me kansky...i don't...i don't!

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