n’ i lost it somewhere....

tears used to smile here.... egos stood humble. togetherness was only in the green room as solitude ruled the center stage. humiliation gave consolation to those underahieved palm trees. confusion clearly understood..... what clarity failed to explain. ignorance was the permanent teacher..... n’ irony was often misunderstood. sorrows were happy go lucky.... n’ humour has its sensibility. n’ the typos that were never “un”noticed were actually cipher text. i used to write letters in the blank that underlined the void only....... n’ the spaces i used to fill up..... widenin’ them was the real purpose. n’ everythin’ else was so beautifully mixed up..... i couldn’t tell if it was night or day..... n’ no one else did.

n’ then i lost it somewhere..... probably i never deserved to retain it. for i believe there’re differences between gettin’ n’ receivin’. although i used to get it all when you didn’t even give me anythin’.... n’ now only paybacks i recieve n’ i know not if i should take them...... for i believe not bein’ good is somethin’ different from good in bein’ bad. i thought i was the latter then.... n’ now i believe it’s just the other way round.

dyin’ not only ceases the opportunity to live any longer..... but it also pulls down the shutter to die once again. i thought i was the puppet then.... forced upon by the strings. i still feel i’m that puppet.... but now, even the strings are held by some other puppet

       

i never seeked refuge in those brief pauses i took... uh-uh! but those punctuation marks were my moments of doubts...... doubts that still persist........ i only lost those punctuations.

       

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Incredibly touched n' i mean the same!!!

Somewhere between the *procrastination* and the homework..
and the incessant forwards
and the friendships and the calls
to each other complaining about CrUsHeS and
BF/GF!! Somewhere between the phone calls to old
friends and the " I miss you's", the "I love you's " and
the "What are we doing tonight's? " And somewhere
between all of the changing and growing...
somewhere between the classes and the skipping
classes...and the StUdYiNg for teStS...And the
PRETENDING to "StUdY" for TeStS...
And the downright NO T StUdYiNg for TeStS ...
I forgot--I forgot what ScHooL was all about.

Somewhere between all the appointments, starbuck coffee ,
and Mc Donald's... paying bills and then not paying bills...
Making plans then breaking plans... Appearing , Disappearing,
then reappearing... I forgot--I forgot what it was like to cry.
I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you
happy... And that pretending to
be SmArT doesn't make you smart .. I forgot
that you can't just forget the past in
fear of the FUTURE... I forgot that you
can't control fa lling in LoVe ..
And that you can't make yourself f all in *LoVe*
.... I learned that I can LOVE ... I
learned that it's okay to MEsS UP....
And it's okay to ask for HELP!!!.. And it's
okay to feel like crap... I learned it's okay to cOmPLaiN
and wHINe to all your friends for a whole day........
I learned that sometimes the things you want
most you just can't have and the things that
you look for are right in front of you.
I learned that the greatest thing about
HiGh ScHOoL and CoLLeGe and the working world
it isn't about the parties or the
DRiNKiNG or the Hookups ...

It's the *FrIeNdShIpS* , which means taking chances.
I learned that sometimes the things we want to forget
are the things which we most need to talk about...
I learned that TIME and LOVE can heal all things...
I learned that just when you think it can't get worse - it does! ...
but with the love and support of friends - you survive ...
I've learned that when you start feeling BaD
about L O S I N G touch and about those that you've lost!
They too, are feeling the same way. ...

I learned that letters from friends are the
most important things. And that sending cards to your
friends makes you feel better! But, basically, I just learned
that my friends........ Both old and new..... are the most important
people to me in the world AND.......without them, I wouldn't be who
I am today.....

So this is a THANK YOU to all of my friends...
For always being there. And even if we're not on good terms
or we have lost touch... I will always have an unconditional
love for you.. ~Always and forever ~

p.s. i wish i had written this down... but i wish i could have written it all what i acutally feel inside.... thank you so much!!!!

n' you may not know this...

i’m right
i go wrong
strong i’m
i grow weak

i can run
i can stand still
fly for a while
n’ get stuck to a wall

n’ all these i feel after bein’ with you.
n’ all these i feel after feelin’ you.

i stand tall
i fall short
i believe
n’ i shake off

lies i swear
truths i forge
deaths i die
n’ i get born

n’ all these i feel after bein’ with you.
n’ all these i feel after feelin’ you.

i turn blind
i see through walls
the holes in my heart
you block ’em tight.

n’ i feel i wanna say that i wanna be with you
n’ i feel i wanna say that i’d like to be with you.

:(

"I'm sorry,"
It's all that I can say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like "sorry" (like "sorry"..like "sorry"..)

"Forgive me,"
is all that I can say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like "forgive me" ("forgive me"..."forgive me"..)
Forgive me..

signboards n’ shoppin’ malls.

misleadin’.... aren’t they? i mean those signs.... they always take you to no where....... but they’re always so convincin’.... no matter how many times you’ve fallen... they still seem to getcha.

n’ shoppin’ malls are good.... i somehow get the feelin’ love is still here somewhere.... wrapped up in those restaurants, gift shops, n’ quite everywhere. if you’re in love you need to be here. n’ there’re all these signboards to confirm the same.... somekind of holy scriptures.

i love these hallmark cards...... always end up readin’ a lot of ’em. even though i don’t buy one.... for sendin’ cards to strangers is yet to be a custom in this town...... sometimes i feel it’d take quite a while for this town to build up any sort of customs!

n’ everytime i read a card...... i feel sad. for i’m more than sure...... some lines are so touchin’...... no one can write it just for the sake of a profession..... there has to be somethin’ more in it....they’re more than lines......maybe feelings....maybe more than feelings.....for someone......... maybe some feelings could never have been expressed..... n’ somehow got it written down in form of some greetin’ card...... but nobody cares about it....... i mean why should they. n' that’s alright!

       

even though i feel some shame
but i won’t apologise
you can’t dodge the bullets
no matter how low you seem
life is still good to me
n’ that’s how it should be
even though i’m just a joke
when they sit in for some coffee.

       

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n’ i do....

# i do everythin’ in the day exactly the way the newspaper forecast tells me in the mornin’... i like it when the predictions go right.

# i do follow the way the rumors centerin’ around me head towards.... i like it when atleast somethin’ is right about me.

# i do cross the street whenever i see it empty..... whether i need to or not..... i’m always scared to cross it when the cars move in quite fast when i’m all alone there....n’ i’m always alone.

# i do like people with constipation.... they don’t shit around.

# i do like steppin’ back quite often.... for somewhere when i was around 16... probably 50 years back from now........i somehow got to believe the world ends right there where they say is the center of the earth.

# i do believe insanity is just a phase like losin’. the only difference is .... for one..... you regret when someone else is in n’ you’re not... for the other you regret when you’re in n’ someone else isn’t.

# i do like it when you scold me. i’ve never found you givin me so much of attention otherwise.

Still Crawlin’

i had a dream. i had it last night. n’ i saw me. probably you led me. i was lookin’ at me after a long time. i saw me happy. i saw me smile. i wasn’t broken. i wasn’t fakin’. you don’t do it in your dreams. few moments made me happy. n’ i wasn’t tryin’ to hold those moments. it was like a piece of satin caressin’ my face n’ leavin’ me behind. i was lovin’ the touch more than the fear of its absence. i was even happy lookin’ at those moments wrapped around those butterflies goin’ past me.... disappearin’ slowly into the distance. even the void that rushed in wasn’t disturbin’ at all... but was rather calm n’ soothin’.

but instincts don’t take instructions from the brain... n’ those eyelids..... they’re not even under the instincts. they opened up just like that.... n’ i was all scared once again. scared of bein’ misunderstood yet again. afraid that my carefreeness would be interpreted as don’t-cared-ness.

i’m just an ant crawlin’ in this vast beach all alone. somehow carryin’ my faith hidin’ from all those rough waves.... carryin’ my broken hopes along the harbors of hardship. n’ i just took a turn n’ i felt somethin’ different. i crawled the crawl of a lifetime. i was crawlin’ over a lost ruby in the sand. her touch could have given me goose bumps if only i weren’t an ant! n’ i climbed off her for i was still crawlin’. i couldn’t have stopped. but even in my descent, i felt happy. the thoughts of the ruby still unknown to me. although i couldn’t have looked back.... i could still feel the growin’ distance between me n’ the ruby. n’ now.... it’s only the sand trails that connected me with her. but i knew the connections that were formed when i felt her in my vicinity which ran deeper made by those final touches were far more profound n’ complex than i actually thought. it was just like bein’ happy that relied more on instincts n’ momentary time pieces..... rather than bein’ in love which is always very stubborn. love always seemed stubborn to me. you were in love once n’ you’re in love.... quite stubbornly. even with love.... even without love. i’d rather prefer bein’ happy. it’s wider even though it’s momentary..... it’s slippery but that makes it smooth. n’ more comfortably.... you don’t fall here but just float around.

Hello my dream girl.
It’s not what it should have been.
The sounds of moans that you’ve been hearin’
are the ones comin’ from my tombstones.
So now you know n’ you know me
This life is but a tribute
to all the million deaths i died.
Still unmourned n’ undeclared.

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...a bit delayed.

       

this old house is gettin’ older. there were people livin’ in it once. i still hear the laughter that’s no more. n’ don’t take the stairs. it can fall anytime. don’t stand below the chandelier. it’s all shattered. n’ i wonder why not the cobwebs look beautiful in the moonlight. the calendar showed an old date. n’ i can’t look in the mirror no more. it’s broken. it’s the darkness everywhere now. n’ nobody wants a tomorrow. for tomorrow, they’re gonna bring this house down. this old house is comin’ down.

       

a tissue paper can never be the fork...

a highway ain’t a highway till someone gets lost in it
a treasure ain’t a treasure till someone hunts for it
a beach ain’t a beach till the water demolishes the sand castles
a shootin’ star ain’t a shootin’ star till someone wishes upon it.
black ain’t quite black if there had been lesser whites
blindness ain’t blindness at all if you haven’t opened your eyes.
dream ain’t a dream if you’re yet to wake up
a secret ain’t a secret till you “un”kept it atleast once.
a tear ain’t a tear till someone catches it
a smile ain’t a smile till somethin’ fades it
love ain’t quite love till someone loses it
a story ain’t a story till someone misunderstands it...

Addendum to Nothin'

       

I walk along the line you took
No grass no rumours no stones I stepped
Longin' to reach for the western sun
Till I became just a silhouette

I still walk I long I wait to be fearless
I still don't like the fractals in my eyes
Like the maria of sorrow which never shows
I don't hide it gets hidden
just horses runnin' unridden.

I see I cry I run towards...
A distance with more miles than that were covered
I kept on runnin' with hands stretched out
Till I became just a silhouette

And where did the fireflies go now?
Was crossin' the empty street
Was hit by the fast movin' car horn
Reflexes and fears are still old friends
They made me look for a hand
which wasn't there.

I stopped the tears
that must have been cried.
My tribute to the carnival lips those were
And I walk along the line you took
Till I became just a silhouette

       

Maybe...

       

....a big semicircle. always incomplete. he was standin’ there. walkin’ along the diameter. wanted to stretch out his vision far into the horizon. but the periphery didn’t let him. he wanted to stretch out his hands. the periphery once again didn’t let him. his life was just a mathematical precision. ½ π r². nothin’ more. nothin’ less. just a half thing!

n’ when he turns back. he sees space. void. endless. infinite. n’ he recognizes everythin’.... every roll made by the rollin’ stones. every single lonely stare in those eyes thoughtlessly gazin’ at the other side. all the void in those lonely hearts who waits all of their life for a committed n’ self reassured closeness like two lovers lyin’ on each other helplessly after makin’ love. he recognizes the lost in the eyes when they know not where to go.

he turns back. he don’t want to look back no more. he can’t look ahead. he has dreams. but of sins n’ lies. he has freedom. but he has no where to go. he has smiles. but he also has reminders... “it’s only a matter of time now”. he’s so much like the fallen moment from the whole time piece. just like the unliberated soul that can’t find a body to enter.

don’t worry. we shall live as soon as we die. need to hold on till then!

       

maybe the trees want to walk someday
maybe the rivers want to wait someday
maybe the clock wants to show somethin’ else
maybe the rocks want to cry someday.

maybe the tempest wants to slow down a bit
maybe the storms want to calm down someday
maybe perfection wants to have some kind of flaw
maybe the peaks want to go down someday.

maybe the ice cubes want to tan someday
maybe the broken arrows want to hit someday
maybe the circle wants to have a corner
maybe the sun wants to cool down someday.

maybe “maybe” wants to be a bit sure someday
maybe “someday” wants to be a day of the week someday!

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n' i closed my eyes...

pages i turn
but the lines still look the same
you don’t need to talk
when you’re made to hear a lot n’ some more.

tears look so precious
when the glands are vacuum sealed
smiles still seem accepted
i hate to fake ’em but i need.

lookin back shows you nothin
for there isn't a start yet made
n’ i ride a million miles
when i still don’t move an inch.

i never meant to hurt you...

...what was i thinkin then? n' what am i thinkin now?

I was dreaming of the past.
And my heart was beating fast,
I began to lose control,
I began to lose control,

I didn't mean to hurt you,
I'm sorry that I made you cry,
I didn't want to hurt you,
I'm just a jealous guy,

I was feeling insecured,
You might not love me any more,

I was shivering inside,
I was shivering inside,

I was trying to catch your eyes,
Thought that you were trying to hide,
I was swallowing my pain,
I was swallowing my pain.

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