Wishful Thinkin...

yeah we want somethin... but sometimes i feel we want many things.... somethings are meant to be perfect but i feel more than somethin can be perfect. this world is beautiful n' the people livin here is probably even more... n' the only way you can get this straight is just when you start believin it.... or else it'll be just too difficult to explain. you can find happiness only when there's happiness all around you..... n' happiness can be around you only when you let it... by bein happy yourself.... may sound complicated.... but i believe the solution to Schrodinger's Equation is even more....

       

when you're very pleasantly unaware of your surroundings.... carelessness never seemed so carefully charmin... you look at things but you don't see.... it's not that you don't want to see or you don't care to see... but somehow you end up not seein 'em even when you look straight into it. when all you go on thinkin is to when this journey's gonna end... those miles look a bit longer than usual. the driver in the car that passes you gives you a harsh look.... he thinks you're just another drunk driver but he's wrong...... he's so wrong.... i'm just ridin my thoughts.... how can i drive carelessly when i can't even drive! when you're so absorbed in those thoughts...... all you look for is the sight of the movin cloth piece that you still hope is makin that painful moan in that fast movin wind stream... you still hope that it's tied on to those iron grills. n' you go on lookin for somethin when you don't even know where to look for.... but i don't think that's too much of concern or somethin... for you're way too preoccupied lookin for it... disregardin the fact that you never knew if it should be looked for, right here or somewhere else.... 30 minutes is all i can manage when i heard you at midnight... n' now it's only 5 minutes to half past 12...... i wonder why always there's a 5 minute that decides so much...

       

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And perfect it was...

       

You said you were never more comfortable
When I never gave up tryin to make you more.
I was ready to be anyone you wanted me to be
When you said you always wanted me the way I was.
You said you laughed the most when I was around
I thought you were the funniest person I had ever met.
I never met so many people n' thought would never meet anyone like you
When you said you met quite a few but had never met someone like me.
You said you got scared the most that night thinkin of losin me when you kept on callin
When I felt like livin the rest of my life in a shoe full of guilt thinkin of buyin your tears...

       

p.s. n' perfect it was... almost perfect.

Every Secret Takes On A Life Of Its Own...

       

I flipped a coin. I fliped a coin and I lost. So I was the one who was driving. It was 3 o'clock in the morning and we were both tired. We wanted to make it in time. I killed it. Is that what you wanna hear? It wasn't the change in our pockets, or the weak ass coffee, or the rain. It was me. I fell asleep and I flipped the car six times. I killed it. It had no argument from me. You think it's something I forget. You think that I'm not sick with it, that I hate my life? But I tried to keep living, and you haven't. Is that why you hate me so much? You know, you act like I killed you when died. now well, way down it'll burry you.

       

p.s. You think the dead care about our lives? Yeah, I think they do... and they even forgive us our sins. I also think it's easy for them. It said it had a dream about flyin... yeah. I got so high I could even see when blue turns to black... from up there you could see all as it is and looks like it was the reason for it to think.

The Man Who Couldn't Cry!

There once was a man who just couldn't cry
He hadn't cried for years and for years
Napalmed babies and the movie love story
For instance could not produce tears
As a child he had cried as all children will
Then at some point his tear ducts ran dry
He grew to be a man, the feces hit the fan
Things got bad, but he couldn't cry

His dog was run over his wife gave up and left him
And after that he got sacked from his job
Lost his arm in the war
was laughed at by a whore
Ah, but sill not a sniffle or sob

His novel was refused
his movie was banned
And his big Broadway show was a flop

He got sent off to jail
you guessed it, no bail
Oh, but still not a dribble or drop

In jail he was beaten
bullied and buggered
And made to make license plates
Water and bread was all he was fed
But not once did a tear stain his face

Doctors were called in, scientists, too
Theologians were last and practically least

They all agreed sure enough
this was sure no cream puff
But in fact an insensitive beast

He was removed from jail and placed in a place
For the insensitive and the insane
He played lots of chess and made lots of friends
And he wept every time it would rain

Once it rained forty days
and it rained forty nights
And he cried and he cried
and he cried and he cried

On the forty-first day, he passed away
He just dehydrated and died

Well, he went up to heaven
located his dog
Not only that, but he rejoined his arm
Down below, all the critics
they loot it all back
Cancer robbed the whore of her charm

His ex-wife died of stretch marks
his ex-employer went broke
The theologians were finally found out

Right down to the ground
that old jail house burned down
The earth suffered perpetual drought
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Rainbows have no meanings....

I lived longin for life… probably more of life. I got somethin like it. I’ve somethin like it! I dreamt… I dream. I smile when I’m happy. Sometimes I do to hide away those tears. Someone loves me n’ someone don’t. A few loved me who don’t anymore. Some relationships blew apart… some are blowin apart… some shall blow apart. Some are gettin born. Few phone numbers I don’t dial no more… few numbers I don’t remember… n’ I dial a few. Some forgot me… some are forgettin me… some shall forget me. But I still remember you n’ I shall always remember you.

I walk…. mostly alone… n’ when I do, I talk to myself… a lot of talkin. I get scared not sure of what….. fear of all those things that I long to have but I can’t have….. or fear of losin all those things that I’ve but I’ll end up losin them.

I make a wish….. I want to make a wish….. I want to talk to anyone….. I don’t care who I talk to….. but just start talkin. I want to pick up my phone n’ dial a random number…… although I’m not too sure what randomness means. n’ all I want is the one pickin the phone just starts talkin n’ never give up talkin.

I look for rainbows…. rainbows which have no meanings. For what we see is when we look through. I find stars twinklin in clear night sky. They twinkle without any meanin. For what we see is when we don’t see. I want to cry when it rains for I feel the skies are cryin too…. not too sure whether I start cryin first or the skies…. not too sure both of us cryin at what. The stray dogs stray but with a purpose. A purpose which we can never understand.

p.s. I am a change of plan!

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the drug Vs. the placebo...

just one of those few movies that really makes me think... think not only what would happen... but also what actually did. right from the scene in the morgue slab when liotta is offered a choice... a strange one rather... to die as a convict or to live as a experimental subject on whom tests will be conducted by dafoe on this new experimental drug that could turn an extreme n' severe psychopath like liotta into some average individual who'll know the difference of right from wrong n' also inject some more complicated feelings like remorse. still on phase 1, the doctors were not sure what the side effects maybe... they're assumin it to be minor ones but still too early to conclude.

the story revolves around the central character liotta but also shows the life of a successful n' talented doctor dafoe... the kind of success that carries the shadows of some deep wounded sorrows. a very renown worker in the leadin pharmaceutical company of the state, who features with a very attractive co-worker in the same office who is ready to sleep with him almost anytime; is standin on the verge of a divorce with his wife who he claims to be smarter n' prettier than her office mate; father of a son that died in some street crime when they were drivin back home.

but it's only the intense liotta that turns this movie into somekind of masterpiece in terms of performance....those looks of a killer to those tears of remorse... of a changed man was so very gradual. it's quite an unusual story of a man who saw his mother bein murdured when he was 10, the kid who was beaten by his father every tuesday... who eventually turned out to be a killer n' was later bein selected as an experiment.... who later also manages to fall in love with the pretty michelle rodriguez who was someone who relied much on trust when it comes down to handlin relationships.

i thought it was quite an unique story of those events encountered by this man, liotta that makes this surreal statement that it's equally tough to be a killer n' a non-killer... because the non-killer accuses the killer in his sleep who turns him into an insomniac n' the past of the killer never leaves the non-killer alone.

he was sentenced to death... then he was chosen to live... but his destiny was already planned.

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Loser... the other side!

losers never get bored... i don't mean winners always do!! but they may but not the losers... nah!!... because they never get settled... it's not like those successful ones for whom things always fall into places in an attempt or two uh-uh! but they've to try everythin for 157 times before they've fully convinced that they're no good in it... n' then they try somethin else.

now the whole picture may seem a bit depressin but trust me... it's not. i mean it's not borin. they always get new things to try... new doors to knock n' new rooms to enter n' at the end of the day... you learn a new way to get refused... a new learnin experience almost every day... it's do damn interestin!

"the dreams
of the losers
are olympic runners!"

n' losers can dream. "God damn" they can!... n' those dreams of losers... the dreams of the losers are olympic runners! they run whole day n' they run whole night... more than Forrest Gump did! losers chase 'em their whole lives... but their dreams run faster. it's not like those borin dreams of the winners that come true a little too quickly. come on...you can't even realize that those're your dreams if they come true so quickly!... you need to follow a protocol for god's sake... atleast the losers follow that protocol.

losers set examples. they're the example makers. the winners fear 'em... "what if one day we become like 'em?" n' thoughts such as these can easily render a normal casual winner into a permanent sleepless... n' they won't even be makin a movie on 'em like "Sleepless in Seatle" because don't forget... Tom Hanks played the character of a demi loser!

on the other hand... losers are very sound sleepers!! they know nothin really happened today n' nothin much gonna happen tomorrow... no schedules no agenda. n' they sleep peacefully... eternally!!

losers are very understandin. it makes me wonder where the hell did all this understandin part come from! did they buy it from somewhere? they not only seem to understand but also seem to be considerate. they can easily figure out what's wrong even when they can't figure out what's right! but when it deals with someone else... i mean the wrong stuffs... they can say amazingly touchin lines to boost 'em. losers are great motivators.

"because every loser
more or less
loses in the same way!"

movies are made on losers... movies that contain great lines in their scripts which you probably don't forget for the rest of your lives. you really like to hear 'em again n' again. they easily cast an enthrallin effect on you. movies like "Orange County" "The Girl Next Door" n' probably all movies of Adam Sandler! reminds 'em of all those incidents that they encountered themselves which were so similar in nature. because every loser more or less loses in the same way! as if they seem to follow some well axiomatized pattern. i mean how many of the winners are actually like Russell Crowe's in "The Gladiator" or Colin Farrell's in "Alexander" huh?... none! do you know why?... because they don't follow any god damn pattern... they're "so" random!... they can't make any sort of relation when they see any kind of movie with their lives! but losers follow a trend... when it comes down to those losers... they seem to follow a definite algorithm... somethin which i refer to as unification theory. it brings about culmination which reflect a high divinity factor!

losers have a good sense of humour... i mean most losers have a better sense of humour than all those winners! n' sometimes i feel it's highly vice versa as well. so that's why these days when i actually meet someone with a great deal of humour clingin to 'em... i feel partly sad which kills me. i feel i just met yet another loser!

p.s. yeah i'm a loser... n' i'm proud of it!

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n' i talk to myself.... on yahoo messenger!

the world is a lonely place...

the world is a funny place!. ... n' the people here?.....probably they're the funniest!! now this is a real story.... a story of a boy n' a girl....it's a story of "anu" n' "raj".... already soundin good!!... it's a kind of story i never wanted to be a part of.... now havin said that...i'm never a part of this story **thank god!**...but fortunately or unfortunately...i still happen to be one of the spectators among those many!

startin first with the introduction part like any other good story......but i don't know much.... she is "probably" anu "probably" studyin.... i mean still studyin! .... who's head over heels kind of stuff for this boy "raj" .....raj who is "probably" workin in some bank in dubai.**wow!** now it may be a bit confusin...whether i know these characters or not....for there's too much doubt everywhere relyin everythin much on probablity! but i'm relyin on information that's bein given to me....by whom?....by the central character – anu! ....not on personal basis but like a public donation!

"so welcome to this modern day romance;cupid got fired,yahoo messenger took charge since then!"

the whole plot is set in a cyber cafe...n' thanks to yahoo messenger n' voice chat... nobody can be well certain about the figures that spread all over the globe as how many love stories are actually fed by this tiny little creature called yahoo messenger! people "fall-in-love" or atleast they claim so!.... n' sometimes without even seein each other.... they know each other by a aid of few short hand messages like "lol" when they find somethin real funny n' "rotfl" when they find somethin even more funny.... now i'm still new to all these acronyms for i always deserved some special place for someone who absolutely sucks in 'em! n' somethin even more funny...they can also send their emotions by pressin that send button..... did your grandfather ever think about that?..... when probably his love for the girl in the same colony went dead unattended just because of some unexpressed emotions - a mere technicality..... but not anymore.... we've yahoo messenger...... we've smileys.... n' the most important... we've the "send" button.... icons to resemble every emotions.....n' sometimes things seem so perfect ...i mean those smileys... you actually behave as those smileys n' if somehow your emotions don't behave properly... you ask 'em to do so.... so that finally a smiley matches with it or finally you match with those smileys!

so welcome to this modern day romance..... cupid got fired.... yahoo messenger took charge since then!....... n' the same magical power seems to be alarmingly rulin our central characters.... now i've not seen any of 'em...... raj always talks from dubai....i can't even hear his voice**i thank you lord for that**....n' anu always talks from those inside parts of the cubicles!**i thank you again my lord** ....but no matter i like it or not.... i had to listen every part of the conversation.....probably in 4 or 5 occasions when i "happened" to sit in the adjacent cubicle**damn it** n' i got to know so much about 'em.

anu is always scared... scared of what?.... i don't know.... i'm scared of her... everyone in the cafe is scared of her..... in that way.... she too might be scared of her!! but she always keeps on sayin "you never try to understand me"... "you always blame me for things i should never be blamed for at all".... "i come to chat with you n' you give me somethin like this".... but that's not the only part.....there's somethin else too...... someethin that really kills me.... somethin that really makes me shake in fear.....fear of the unknown origin.... but has got roots deep within..... fear that makes me numb...... i feel possessed.... god knows i get scared....... words like..."please baby don't talk like this.....you know how much i love you sweetu....i miss you all the times sweetheart".....**come on stop it...... i mean the words are not that bad.... but get rid of that tone... damn!... sounds like porn!!! there're kids all around the place.... some of 'em are even laughin... n' i really find those kids as devil's sons when they start laughin in situations where they should never laugh... makin those situations even more grave!....... n' in situations like these.....it really kills you to be a grown up.... have some sympathy on us..... you know what...... you love him n' he loves you.... n' more than that..... we all love both of you...... but for god's sake you gotta stop it**....if only i could have said all this.......... but my fear holds me hard.... which fixes me in my chair.

"now incidents like thismake my belief even more firmthat even machines have a soul"

n' more i tend to ignore 'em...... the more i get to know about 'em.... she shouts so much..... sometimes i feel the entire city knows about her...... n' the wildest part to follow.... she has got everythin figured out...... she's goin to dubai to meet this guy since she has not seen her. **yeah fine.....you should meet each other.... fine my foot.... are you kiddin me..... dubai?... you're goin all the way to dubai to meet a guy whom you've never met?....... i mean you need a lot of money for that... come on!!**... n' the funniest part.... anu says ... "sometimes i feel our story is a bit twisted".....**now was that supposed to be a joke?.... a bit?...a bit twisted???...trust me girl..... i've seen loads of materials in my life..... nothin is as twisted as this one...... infact this will hold to be as the epitome of twistedness... **i'm not so sure if there's such a word!**

n' the modem crashed.... now incidents like this make my belief even more firm that even machines have a soul......they feel the pain just like we do!..anu leaves....everyone takes thier heaviest sighs of relief as a revival of senses. but it wasn't over for me......the computer got crashed....i mean my computer got crashed.... i had to move to the system that girl was usin..... damn!.... i was proceedin with my work.... when the yahoo messenger suddenly popped up violently.... damn..... she forgot to log out.... n' now i knew even more..... even when i didn't have the slightest wish...... her full name is anindita mani n' the boy....d raaj born in 1975!.... come on!!... anyone could have deduced that..... draaj1975 was easy for anyone like me!!!

but somethin on a very serious note.... "god!"..... can you stop this information givin session...because don't you think i've had enough!...surely!!!

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and that's it...

i guess i've made up my mind...it's not that i've given up...but i've to.....like everythin else....everythin that has a beginnin must have an end....so this is gonna end right now?...i don't know.....but i guess this is for the best.....it's okay if i couldn't...for i tried the best i could....i see no reason.....i see no chance.....even if i do carry on.....i'm only gonna carry on.....but what's the use if i fight the battle with my best armor but still the bullets will go on hittin me...no use...i know what i'm gonna do..or what i might end up doin which seems quite likely...is not somethin i wanna do.....but still...somethings are done...for they have to be done.....this was always gonna happen...i only tried to postpone it....but i can never stop it....if only i could have!

do remember this.......16th Jan, 2006...this was when the dream ended....n' i may come back sometime to look n' read this.......probably a "milestone" of yet another discontinued journey!

p.s. n' i shall continue bloggin...

...did you know yourself??

LEO
Jul. 22nd - Aug. 22nd

You consider yourself a born leader. Everyone thinks you are an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo's are theiving dipshits and enjoy masturbating more than sex.

ARIES
Mar. 20th - Apr. 18th

You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come into contact with. Basically you are a prick.

VIRGO
Aug. 23rd - Sep. 21st

You are a logical type and hate disorder. Your nit-picking attitude is sickening to your coworkers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep during intercourse. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.

TAURUS
Apr. 19th - May 19th

You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and stick-to-it-ivness because you never do anything right the first time. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but an ass hole.

SCORPIO
Oct. 23rd - Nov. 21st

The worst of the lot!! You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are MURDERED.

SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22nd - Dec. 20th

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius' are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarius. You are indeed a worthless piece of crap.

PISCES
Feb. 20th - Mar. 19th

You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or Aliens. You have a minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting what you confuse as power. You lack confidence and you smell funny.

LIBRA
Sep. 21st - Oct. 22nd

You are the artistic type and you have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are sluts. All Libra's have one form of a veneral disease.

GEMINI
May 20th - Jun. 20th

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for hitting on their siblings.

CAPRICORN
Dec. 21st - Jan. 20th

You are conservative and are afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chicken-shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

CANCER
Jun. 21st - Jul. 21st

You are sympathetic and understanding to people's problems, which makes you a nosey prick. You always keep putting things off. This is why you will always be on welfare, and won't be worth a turd. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

AQUARIUS
Jan. 21st - Feb. 19th

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk. You enjoy getting screwed by large inanimate objects.

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