dear lies n' tears

it's been really ages since i've been justifyin' you... all of their lies n' all of my tears. somehow i've always end up in convincin' myself that i'm right... when i already know i'm so not. nothin' much have changed... though it means a lot of things did to make this feel. n' the lies keep on pourin'... maybe randomly. some of them don't even know that they're lyin'. n' even though my disrimination works well... i fail to ignore them.

recently i was lyin' in my bed... mostly cryin' in the dark.... talkin' to m. it seems there're just two options. don't grab the past n' move ahead n' walk for a while n' end up facin' all the lies again n' start cryin' in the dark. the other.... don't do anythin'... stay where everyone left you.... n' cry in the dark. how i wished there was another option. but i know there's none.

i received almost a summon a few days back. n' i wonder why i responded but i did. although it was pathetic... but i still felt good. just felt got hold of me again.. which ofcourse was pathetic.

n' mostly i'm lovin' this tiredness. way too much of tiredness....weariness... sleepiness. oh how much i had missed them n' how much i've longed for 'em.

pathetically yours,
.....

n' the last three months.....

       

I've always wanted to know if Holden Caulfield and Timothy Conroy were friends. But I've always wanted to know a lot more than that like why do pigs have a loop in their tails or can we touch the ozone layer if not the skies? There's always so much to talk about when there's absolutely no one to listen.

       

       

A STAIRCASE TO NOWHERE

all the depths come risin'
decays freshen up
n' i need to choose everythin'.
i try to inflate my hopes
to help my sorrows keep me happy
n' i can't chase the things no more i feel happy in.
yes mr. plant you can go for the heavens if you want to
but i'm sick n' tired of justifyin' my life
when i've already chosen to
run away from the people i love.
n' now i choose silence as my language
with all the age old stories i'll want to tell forever
n' i still choose to wait
when i've made sure
i've got absolutely nothin' at all to wait for.

       

       

ABSENCE

n' where did all the letters go?
can you miss my words
which i never wrote to you.
do i need another amen?
just to renew the policy
of my hopes.
wasn't meant to be rude
was just the truth
i wasn't alone
was there with the empty seat.
n' here i stand
to mark my presence
but i knew i was
comfortably absent.

       

dear authorities

if you're intendin' to impose a war on me by closin' down my favourite coffee shops in the name of "violations".... then i must apologize that i'm not even gonna react let alone the counter-attack of sorts thoughts. although i must appreciate... the act was sly n' totally behind-the-back.



dear mr. who

it was really sorry for me to say i wasn't sure but i had really no idea whatsoever where the hutch shop was.


dear vaibhav

your resume looks excellent now even though i won't apologize when i say the content was way below poverty line. you need to do more than that. i did the best i could.

the other day when i told you to give a missed call to your girlfriend in the witchin' hour.... i wasn't tryin' to ruin you by leadin' you stray or try to act cool. i did that because someday when you're gonna think back what you did when you were young.... thinkin' about makin' those phone calls (what if they were unattended) would be mostly sweet rather than not makin' those phone calls. i know that because whenever i've to think back.... i mostly have to remember only that silence that are not even faked.


dear unknown

oh i must confess this.... i really liked your clickin' pictures of those slum kids. i don't know. stuffs like those mostly annoys me as i somehow feel it more of the plastic-wax-high-heels-dye kind of thing.... but i don't know whether it was the smiles on those faces of the kids..... the calmness in your face.... or the quietness with which you were accomplishin' your services.... i found it extremely sweet. i've got no idea of any hidden agenda but i'd never intend to know it either. i didn't have no camera or else i could have taken your photograph while you were takin' photographs but ofcourse with hardcore quietness.



dear aarti

i may somehow know how it feels if suddenly out of the blues i say you're so oh-my-god kind of girl.... as it is such matter-of-fact kind of thing. although i don't know how i seem to know about it. but still.... that's rather sad for you... for you're missin' the big someone-likin'-you-a-great-deal part because of the everyone-likin'-you-a-great-deal thing. but you've to accept a few basic facts. minorities will be the essence of the extremities n' we all know how is it to be one. n' moreover.... my favourite coffee is already closed. n' as a matter of fact.... i can only write your name as well in my list of the girls-i-wanna-date.... but like every other name as well... i'll have to rewrite your name in my other list of the girls-i-can-never-date. too bad.


dear mr. writer

why is it that we always have to accept things? ok, leave aside the "understood-accpetance" of sorts but the ones that other people tell you - "you've to accept it..." ....oh really! what if i don't want to accept it? i mean what are you gonna do about it huh? n' i know pretty well that once an apple goes bad... there's no way i can have it. so is there any sense at all when you say... "throw it". i mean what's your point? i mean i couldn't have actually told her "hey look i'm broken here.... i'm desperately willin' to hear a few kind words from you... holdin' my hands will be bingo... even some sympathy would do." i couldn't have said that right? there's no second thought to it. n' my expectation is not touchin'-the-skies of sorts. no it's not. n' i don't see if there's anythin' wrong in me.

oh by the way... i had a near death experience tonight. this wasn't for the first time that somethin' of the sorts happened with me but i somehow don't seem to recall all those previous experiences. n' like always.... forgettin' makes me happy yet again. but enough of these near death experiences. i want to remember about near life experiences. i wonder when.

sincerely yours
......



dear ravi

no matter how ridculously you can behave... you're still fun. although i feel serious pity for your father but i can't really understand why i don't mind bein' with you.... even when you say nothin' at all but about sex n' drugs. n' the other day i was thinkin' when you were temporarily lost.... both literally n' metaphorically.... how did you manage it? i mean i had to try so much in hidin' from everyone but you managed it when we all were lookin' for you.


dear postman

i don't see you no more. where did you go? you should know my phone is just an electronical monument. n' i must wait n' see myself thinkin' n' i waited but i ended up seein' myself hesitate. what do i miss more..... the letters which you brought or the letters which you didn't. n' i try to forget everythin' n' in a way i've. but all i could remember is... i waited.


dear tattoos n' breakups

both of you mean the same to me. i like the words but i can't tell you why. but i don't like the real thing. but i'm so filled up with this smoke.... are you both the same but got deviated somewhere in the rush. n' seriously i never realized i'd got so much to think about doin' so many things.... only now when i think i can't do all those things.... i constantly feel i've got nothin' to think about. idleness is keepin' me so violently busy... i can't find no time to do nothin'.

incoherently yours
........



dear 93131

i just can't correlate no matter how hard i try. last night was like a rabit inside a sack. all my memories seemed to be in some half mast. i had to try so hard not to cry. n' when i thought what i was feelin' sad about... i just couldn't come up with a reason. why feelings had to be so incoherent... specially mine. n' then you messaged me n' called me. you seem to be someone so close callin' me in the middle of the night..... but givin' me no clue whatsoever. n' how can i make myself understand that it doesn't make any sense to call someone who knows my number n' my name... n' all i could hear is you weepin'.

n' no... i couldn't agree to amit when he told me to ignore it.... for i can't. for everyone does the same n' i don't want to be like them. n' you don't answer my calls. but keep callin' me only to let me hear your silence.

maybe the question more important than who is why.... but please take care whoever you're.

awaitingly yours.
..........



dear vaibhav

all those words were actually just reflections.... but unfortunately, you were listenin' when everythin' was meant to be seen. my advice to you.... don't do somethin' which has a great amount of likelihood to break someone's heart..... specially yours. even if it gives you enough happiness today. but what are you gonna do about the happiness when you've to turn off the lights in early p.m. so that you can cry in the darkness n' nobody watches you.

choose the people in your life carefully man. n' make sure once you choose them.... they remain in your life... n' take special care that nothin' happens.... so you don't have to walk out of their lives. because trust me...... once you do that..... you can rarely come back.



dear miner-for-a-heart-of-gold

it must have been a long time huh?.... expectations without expressions. almost sounded like a punch line for some product but i wonder what could that be. bein' punctual is mostly wastin' time... just like waitin' makes you mostly late. n' now.... it's mostly this fear of growin' old.

n' did you actually work hard to hide so that nobody asked you for the ticket.... n' you could have had a free-ride of sorts..... did you actually feel like leapin' out of the window when you saw the 10 rupee bill flyin' in the air?

but mostly it's just like gettin' caught somewhere... somethin' like a busy traffic lane in some idle tuesday..... where i'm not too sure if the flashes from my life is fadin' before me.... or dwindlin' behind me. when you don't really pick a little bit of anythin'.... n' after all that effort.... you end up rememberin' just a name... nothin' before.... nothin' after.

gazingly yours
..........

       

but mostly it's just like gettin' caught somewhere... somethin' like a busy traffic lane in some idle tuesday..... where i'm not too sure if the flashes from my life is fadin' before me.... or dwindlin' behind me. when you don't really pick a little bit of anythin'.... n' after all that effort.... you end up rememberin' just a name... nothin' before.... nothin' after.

       

       

i use to have fun when i throw my hand in the air n' it swings back to me... when i think of somethin' with blind eyes counterfeited by faint constant smile..... when i play hide n' seek with all my memories till they fade away with a tear drop rollin' down my cheek. i use to have fun in wipin' it too. i use to have fun lettin' it go... not tryin' to make any move... watchin' every step growin' the distance.... till every silent word made sure nobody heard nothin'.

       

       

GARDEN OF SORROW

the garden of sorrow
the flowers have bloomed
in the summer of autumn
frozen pollen grains
the truth of the dreams
you fed with hands of lies
my love for you is but a secret
n' i shall keep it
but then you wanted to leave
turnin' everythin' else but a sin.

       

       

n' i cry in the dark....

picturin' my life
through the eyes of the blind
the scattered braile script
says it all
handbags of flashbacks
almost and maybe's
nightfall and myths
and the forgotten history.

all of my dreams
just couldn't buy
any second hand happiness
and signs led to nowhere.
was left behind
by the train of time
was left with just me
and singalong sorrows.

and life moves towards
curtains and window panes
pillow covers and bedsheets
while i cry in the dark.

       

dear h!@#$,

a lot of people say that you change. somehow i can't agree to that.... well by that i never meant you've remained the same. for all i've felt n' known that there has to be so many changes just to remain the same. but that wasn't the point. they'll need a change of heart to change them. but do you change? i've always adressed you with so many titles... canyons.... hunters.... warriors. not that i've taken them back. but i also feel you're like the moon. n' if you're like the moon... you'll be the owner of all the maria. n' just that i don't know what is there in those dark spaces doesn't have to mean that there's absolute void over there. n' how can i take it as a surprise when i see somethin' suddenly out of those dark circles.... n' claim that ...it's somethin' new... which wasn't there.

n' the wind always blows... just to strip everythin'. sometimes i feel it's the original rapist. the other day i was talkin' to this imaginary person.... over the desert n' the ocean. n' there seemed to be some kind of disagreement. the person was referrin' to me as an ocean. when i asked why ...she told me i've just too many secrets. i told if you think deep.... you may realize that there's not much of a difference between an ocean n' a desert. it's just that there's just too much of life in ocean. you don't find it in a desert. but everytime i look at the desert... it makes me feel that i'm lookin' at an ocean.

dear e!@#

it was wonderful meetin' you. can i use the word perfect? i don't even remember when was the last time i felt like that. thanks to you.

n' i talked so much. but just for the record... (which you won't get a chance to look at!).. i also didn't say a lot of things. there're so many things in you which i admire... there's so much of a subjective jealousy in me which i'm so proud not to confess.... not because of everythin' in you that makes you... i never can be a part of... n' neither can i imitate them.... it's just how effortlessly you can say what you like n' what you don't like.... even the short forms used in sms's..which you obviously don't like. n' i just kept on starin' at you... just couldn't say a word..."that when i write.. i don't feel like stoppin'... but sms's do have a word count... to increase the content.. i sometimes need to shorten the words.."... but your influence was so dominant... n' like always i was so reckless in sustainin' myself ... in the name of you-startin'-to-dislike-me... the sms i'd sent to you that night costed me thrice the actual price for exceedin' the word limit.

all i wish .... if i could ever say what i do n' what i want... almost fearlessly!

dear r!@#

i could have told you this... "what's the point in laughin'... when someone has made a cross on someone's pic." not that i don't like laughin'..... but right at this point.. this very point..someone might as well be puttin' a cross in my pic in some crowded community.... n' everyone mgiht as well be laughin' at me too. things like that never make me laugh.. maybe it does to you. all it does to me... it instills tremendous fear... not realizin' why.

shiveringly yours,
...........

       

the sorrow to own a broken heart is not because you've to start lookin' for the pieces lyin' around everywhere... because it hardly matters even if you miss some of them. the hardest part is... all the secrets that were burried inside it .....escape. not even escape.. they're stolen... nothin' should allow those secrets to lose you... not even a broken heart.

       

       

will you...

will you remember me for a while... just before forgettin' me? will you take sometime n' love me... just before you start hatin' me? now there'll be times when i'd like to change. but that doesn't actually mean that i want to change. i don't. because everyone else do. will you ask me not to change then? now i may hardly confess this again... but i do babble a lot. will you shake me then for i don't want you to listen durin' those times... because whatever i say then.. i say it all wrong. i never mean 'em. will you wait for me... just for a while... just before you leave forever? will you tell me which is the one "goodnight" which isn't actually a "goodnight" but a "goodbye"? will you promise me to look me in my eyes for once... just before you won't look at me again?

       

dear m,

i never thought i'd ever be writin' to you in here. but maybe i've not thought about a lot of things.... n' specially the ones that happened with us. everythin' always came with so much out-of-the-blues of sorts.... i always thought everythin' so depended on me.. n' thought i'd have everythin' figured out. but then.

n' i don't really know if you'd agree to me when i say... life doesn't know how to take turns... it always insists on u-turns... as if a simple-casual-day-to-day-morning-newspaper-with-a-bed-tea kind of turn would really spoil this "big" oscar-award-winner image of life... n' i wonder if those u-turns were actually connected... hmmm... unconnected u-turns.... should be name of some book.

n' from those uncountable sleepless nights of how-oh-how should i be doin' goofy stuffs for just a few oh-so-crazies from you.... to these oh-so-tirin'-and-everlastin' days when i just have to argue with myself on the list of the people i should be wishin' on their oh-so-happy-birthday's.... n' the little time i get... when i'm just back to plain-oh-me havin' those innumerable stupid worries of absolutely unworryable matters... i mostly have to stop myself on undialin' a few sequences of numbers.

n' i'm oh-so-amazed to realize that my brain is just one of those so-many organs in my whole of me which takes decisions for me.... because there's this stomach of mine which has a will of it's own.. which can give birth to never endin' butterflies n' leave them on their own will to fly around my whole central intestinal province n' they wouldn't stop until they got what they wanted.... there're my lungs which will sigh as much as they want n' do have the potentiality to do so for as long as 30 minute at stretch as if i wanted to be in Ripley's believe it or not........ then there're my eyelids that never-oh-never would blink when they should ... n' when they shouldn't... they achieve microwave frequency of blinkin'.... n' leave aside the over-hyped heart where all the fossilized memories are archived. there's no doubt that it's only the heart that makes us believe we're old... n' now i feel so comfortably the sadness in bein' old. actually it's not sad when you feel you're old. it's because you see a hell lot of people around you who aren't.

yesterday i had a very unusual conversation with the-very-shy-one. n' i was thinkin' i wouldn't have been havin' this conversation if you'd have been still here. i wish wishes were both cheap n' available... somethin' like in a factory outlet... just like bitin' a doughnut with hot chocolate.

scrumdiddlyumptiously yours,
.....

       

once upon a time.... i was one hell of a writer. n' then i mixed up... the things which i wrote with the ones i didn't. but obviously.... the ones which i didn't write was what livin' was all about.

       

       

Half my life is over and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing. I'am thumbprint on the window of a skyscraper. I'm a smudge of excrement on a tissue surging out to sea with a million tons of raw sewage.

       

       

Hey, I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but I’m certainly not the dumbest. I mean, I’ve read books like “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” and “Love in the Time of Cholera”, and I think I’ve understood them. They’re about girls, right?

       

dear sometimes,

do you face an identity crisis for bein' occasional or bein' rare. huh!.... you can't even say "sometimes". but it only happens sometimes..... when the air looks so clean... i just feel like not closin' my eyes..... only sometimes when i think i don't regret for not bein' a blind or somethin'. it's just sometimes when i hear no music more painful than the one i always keep on hearin'....... only sometimes when i actually picture myself in slowmotion keepin' perfect rhythm with the background music. it's only sometimes when i understand just exactly why i feel like the color blue... just when i stare at the pefectly blue sky......... n' know that space always has the color blue.

sometimes when i feel it's just so easy to disappear from everywhere... when you just have to block a few numbers and id's.. that's it..... sometimes when i feel love shouldn't just be about you-lovin'-someone just because you're bein' loved.... only sometimes when i've to run from people i love or tend to love.... because i know... i just have enough energy to carry these life savings of peices of me... but just can't afford to let anyone break one more of me.

it's only sometimes when i feel i'm more comfortable bein' misunderstood.

quasi-hopelessly yours,
.........

       

sometimes... everythin' seem so funny. just like a few beliefs people have which lead to varied conclusions involuntarily. like the one most of them believe... beauty n' brains don't quite go together. i mean no comments on that. but the side effect of this belief leads a few others to have expectations like the ones with no great looks are intelligent enough.... to which i've fallen a victim maybe forever!

....i'm not good lookin'... but please understand this... i'm not intelligent as well.