lessons missed!

i've learnt nothin'... n' i'm so shameless to admit it n' it makes me even more shameless when i say i'm doin' practically nothin' to make myself learn. i guess it's hard when you know you've got somethin' really to learn.. you know what to learn.. but you know you can't.

maybe the only thing i did learn... the simple is somewhat easy.. n' the complicated.. well it's most of the times difficult... so the simple thing is.. to pull the simple things near you n' push the rest awayyyy... i've almost spent an eon to realize it.. i just hope i don't have to spend another just to make myself convinced that it's actually easy!

scared...

i'm scared... i'm so scared... oh please please oh please... please take care of everythin' god... just want to get rid of the fear... please take me through... please.. please. i beg.

ironies.. just too many

severe phone hatred... microwave kisses. love n' breakups... hate n' tie ups. gravity n' elevators. exhausted n' refreshed. symbolic hyphens... bodyaches n' reiki... crowded gardens... abandoned libraries... observed stairways... sex with helmets... sleep in exams... daydream in the nights... vegetarian eggs... romantic economics!

p.s. n' just wait n' wait n' wait..... sigh!

can i talk like this for a while?

elevators in supermarket... almost sound rhythmic. sad... poets don't use them in sonnets. i proved newton right again. the action-reaction-affair. i was goin' down.. n' my blood was rushin' up. i was suspended in the air for just about a minute... with just two hopes... the door never openin' again... n' my senses never landin' in sanity. but i can't even regret even when they both did.... even when i never had enough. i found out that love tastes salty even though lovers claim it to be sweet. don't blame them. maybe love tastes different when is in a motion with a acceleration of 9.8m/sec/sec.

does it always have to do with your heart when people talk about love n' its consequences n' all the canonical forms exhibitin' polymorphism... because right now... it's just my feet which hurt. maybe it's just too poetic.. i'm the footloose man who've lost his mind!

sad but true...

# the first hug can be in the most complicated situations whatsoever... when you think you're standin' just before the end of somethin' which you don't want to end.. after long-hour-tearful-phonecalls... while you're still in the transition phase of panic attack n' post traumatic syndrome.. while you feel there's a lot of space between you n' her.. literally speakin' ofcourse.. n' she does it quite abruptly again without any prior notice/agenda.. n' you're supposed to reciprocate/react/respond which you do.. only to get a review sometime later... "you were quite stiff!!" :(

# the long-awaited-first-whatever that you've planned for weeks could turn out to be disastrous... the open air restaurants can close down without any prior notice/agenda or any apparent reason... the sun can shine really bright n' you've distances to walk.. n' then she can turn out to be the most intelligent woman on the planet when you want to have a sweet conversation n' the lunch just a side dish :(

# she-who-says-loves-you-the-most can cuddle a puppy in the same way she cuddles you. but you don't feel that way.. what you feel... she-who-says-loves-you-the-most cuddles a puppy with more passion n' intensity than the way she cuddles you :(


but sadness seems to be fine till now.. as the only word that comes to my mind when i think about everythin'... PERFECT!!! just PERFECT!!!! :)

you don't get it... you don't get it!!!!

the factor which makes a lot of contribution to make a girl is called estrogen... but the problem is... even when there's a deficiency of this factor.. they're still called girls.. n' you've like no clue about it unless you get involved!!! but still.. blame in on the guy... because that's how you do it!!!!

madhatter knows what i'm talkin'.. because poor him.. victim of the same deficiency.. n' yeah.. this is funny.. the guy becomes the victim when the girl lacks the estrogen!!! the usual conversation between madhatter n' his girlfriend were of the likes as below:

mad girl: i want to feel just the way you feel..
madhatter: ok (what the fuck?!)
mad girl: you can give everythin' to me so easily... when i know i'm just takin' takin' n' takin'...
madhatter: but you give everythin' to me..
mad girl: but i wanna give more... just like you do.. i wannna feel the same as you do..

n' the rest.. are all those words which a guy wants to speak but can never never never speak...

what the fuck is wrong with you.. do you think i really care what you feel or don't.. just let me feel what i want to feel.. i mean please!!!!!!!! damn you.. "i'm just takin' takin' n' takin'.." you wanna give.. fine.. i'm always out of money.. give me a cheque.. a big amount.. n' i'll make you feel like nobody else.. n' everyone's happy... i mean fuck you!!!!!!! :P

but we're still alive...

What is this gypsy passion for separation, this
readiness to rush off when we've just met?
My head rests in my hands as I
realize, looking into the night

that no one turning over our letters has
yet understood how completely and
how deeply faithless we are, which is
to say: how true we are to ourselves.

-- Marina Tsvetayeva

the law of recedin' sanity...

most relationships are absurd. the only thing that makes this statement unreal is the "most" part.. all relationships are absurd. they're weired. they're illogical. they're not rational. the only thing which makes them work is the part that we don't know about it. as soon as we figure it out... it goes apart. but that isn't a bad thing actually.. it's not supposed to mean somethin' negative. we can survive a relationship even if we find the irrational part n' know how to ignore it. i know it's desperate.. but most relationships are. sometimes just too much honesty can kill a relationship. maybe sometimes a hair color can threat its existence. it's just actually a refusal of self belief that you're alone. the part which you don't like. it's a simple blasphemy of the fact that you're miserable.. maybe that's what we all are meant to be. relationship is our unwillingness to accept the obvious.. but i guess there's nothin' wrong in it.

p.s. maybe i'll step backwards from perfection.. n' you walk towards it!!!! if we meet we'd know we were on the same track...

alive...

n' it wasn't even spring this time. i thought you'd wait till spring. because that's when everythin' ends for me. not this time. funny if i think in that way... took so many nights to make believe myself. it just took one single night to let go everythin'. last night was such a big robber. it just took away everythin' i had.. everythin' i could have. there are times when you know the only reason you're alive is because you're not dead. hadn't been my life filled with those times.. it'd have been so empty.

i know...

i know this. every emotion.. every breath.. the movement of my pupils... the trail my tears take... i know your words even before you speak.. i know how you feel.. even before you feel 'em. more precisely.. i know you.. all of you... it's like knowin' you more than i know myself. but still... i know me as well.. i just don't know why... i just don't know why. i've been nice to all of you... n' the price i pay to be so is my life.. i always end up losin' the part i love the most of it.. n' i do.. everytime.. each time. i know how the air feels now.. i know how the songs ring in the ears now.. i know how the pillow cover will try to embrace you because there's no one else. i know this long walk.. it's just me.

the analysis of me was perfect.. this is where everyone goes wrong. this is the part.. the un-understood.. the misread.. the unexplained....

all the times i keep on tellin' i hate myself.. i do. it's not what it sounds. it's not a lie either. but you don't get it. you don't get that it also means i love myself.. i love the way i'm. i don't feel anythin' to be ashamed of me which makes me. i love the way i feel.. i love the way i see things.. i love the way i understand or try to understand everythin'. i love the softness within me.. i love the goodness in me.. i love when i know i can make a difference.. i love when i can make everyone happy. i don't see anythin' in my life which i should give up.. n' that's the reason i don't. the fact that i still hate myself is because... after everythin'.. i just couldn't do anythin' for me.. not a single thing.. n' i keep on hurtin' myself. n' still do it. n' that's a good enough reason to hate anyone.. it's just me.. so i hate myself.

n' all the other times i keep on tellin' i deserve what i get.. i lie. i don't think i deserve so much of pain every time. i never meant anyone harm.. even to people who meant nothin' but just harm. yeah.. that's true. but this is what it ends with.. i endin' up cryin' in the staircase.. n' wipe my tears as i come down so that not a single soul can make out. no. i don't deserve this.

n' now i refuse. i refuse everythin'. i refuse this world. i refuse these people. i refuse myself too. i know how to grow old.. n' i think i was doin' all fine. life interfered. that's all. it's not gonna interfere again. i won't let it.

n' lately...

under the rugs was the reader n' he came out. dust. it's been more than a quarter n' a half month n' still not over 50 pages. busy? and i was born in the boredom and the chowder. awake. still feels like a dream. i sleep after swimmin' in my own bed.. not with thoughts but with love. n' lately i've been tainted.. still hoverin' around the raucous boundaries of my sanity. my vocabulary inflicted by yours. will... surrendered.

can't stop smilin'... just can't

was i hidin' from you... or maybe i don't like your face.. or am i too scared to show you mine.. n' again here we're.. sittin' with eyes which don't want to look into one another. was i tryin' to find the exception.. the anomaly? maybe a little too hard... n' probably i was seein' it.. where there was none. i drift.. but i retreat. i relentlessly feed my weaknesses.... shamelessly bury my regrets when i swallow my own ego... i ain't ashamed to accept defeat. n' yeah...this is me.

dear one who still keeps her king in the back row

n' the reason i might sound an offbeat poet for a while is only because that's how i sound when i'm in the realms of hopelessness... n' do i have to raise my finger to point at you... to let you know that "you're the one" who has victimized me oh so deeply.. that i never want to get out of this sickness? ..n' now it's left to you... how you take the you-are-the-one part... you become the accused if you take that superficially.. n' you become everythin' else includin' the accused.. if you take it a little more deeply!!! in either case... you remain responsible for my condition!!!

n' so my childhood had got nothin' to do with fairy tales if your want of knowin' me inside out is still on... the reason is mostly left unknown to me.. partly undisclosed.. but i never liked the way it rhymed so well... not that i had any ill feelings with rhymes... but maybe my parity with indulgence on worldly acceptance of most matters like the way they should have been was highly restrained.. n' i'm not quite sure what the last sentence really meant.. (but sounded cool huh?.. n' who knows.. must have meant somethin'.. maybe exactly what i wanted to!!).. so don't feel dumb if you didn't understand it.. your status of dumbnesshood has got nothin' to do with it.. it's way too independent n' fairly intact!!!! so it's firmly established that i didn't like them.. even with or without satisfyin' your immortal thirst to conquer all the why's even if it's related to my neighbour's wife.

i like stories without any rhymes.. the ones which are thoroughly stupid. i like them because it reminds me of all my dreams that i had of a girl... my girl. n' she's so hard to find.. n' even when i get her.. i'm so sure i can't get enough of her... she's like so lesbian.... that i can never turn her on... n' if you think it's depressin'... then better don't think at all. i'm not depressed. she wants to grow fat.. yes you heard it. she believes thighs aren't thighs at all if they're not equipped with lumps of flesh... n' she thinks her ass is the only precious thing she has got. her memories from the past makes her a cold blooded bird hater. obsessed with names people might think of her.. i'd say she's just obsessed... n' when she's not obsessed... she's obsessed with names. her monkey she sleeps with... the eggs which had fallen in her balcony.. the bike she rides so awfully... the fish which died sometime back... her last week's diapers.. i mean all have names.. all thought-about-over-n'-over-again kind of names. she wants to marry a tamilian n' yeah.... she wants to think i'm gay.

i mean yeah.. a thousand words can't say what a picture can... but a lot few words can draw a thousand pictures n' a simple math would prove they'll say more... the description was word perfect if not picture perfect. n' the hardest part is the waitin' part... because she's always busy in her plays n' the rest of the time... she takes exams.. she's still takin' one when i've none to attend!

descriptively yours,
....