yesterday i met this old friend of mine.....mr. arindam mishra(ONGC)....it was nice talking to him.....i must say......and he asked me something...he asked "what really happened after I went out of our hostel?"......n' i could only smile.... i said that a lot of things did happen......"n' a lot of things didn't!"....and as of now......when the moon is all with me in the night.....listenin to Gary Moore..."Parisienne Walkways"......i was made to recall a story......the story of the unlikely ones......unlike any other story......its not a story of you or me......to be more specific......its a story of a band.......of a brand......of a naive group....n' now i promise to myself.....that i will write about it as long as this song continues.....n' request any passersbye to play this song if they happen to read this!.....well too much of an ask..n' right now i don't even have a name for this story.....but i'm sure i'll get one as i write on!...well it all begins in the summer of 2000......when this brand follows its way through the spiral route through the mountains.......with happy faces.....with dreams they thought are going to be true in the other side of the mountain where their destination was......first day of college.......new teachers.....new classes.....new mates.....new era!..as if they got everythin.....but there was something more......and just when the night began to weep...that day.....the real story started.....fate..or destiny or whatever you call it...came down to meet the brand......"the chosen ones"........fate told them....."hey! you all....lets play a game.....a game which will be so real...a game where you get to decide what you'll do"......the brand..... as if they're One......they thought ..."that sounds pretty good".....and so did the game begin....or rather should i say......the trap......the start wasn't that bad....."hey......its nice to be on our own".....they'd say.........n' time went on...n' so did the game......and then things started.......things which shouldn't have started.......n' nothing was goin on their way.......they'd think each night while starin at the moon.....when there was no one with them.....but them.....and the rules of the game..... they'd try to explain...to others that actually its not their fault.....but its only the game......the one which was doin the trick...... but as if someone was goin to belief in it huh!.....n' no one did...... they're "on their own!"....n' slowly they lost themselves in that cacophony of their dreams......i guess i got the name of the story..."Cacophony of dreams!"....then suddenly one day......or rather some day......the band thought they'd try to fight the damn game......and win it...but little did they know that no one wins or loses here.......but they did start.....their rebellion with fate!........they told..."we 'll not give up this time"....."we gonna try till our very last breathe".......n' that night they didn't sleep.......for they wanted to see the sun risin the next morning.......they thought.....that'd be the end of their long night......the sun seemed as if it shone for the first time......n' they went to their respective deptts......but just as this guitar sustains in this song......marking as if something else gonna happen next...but somethings are so inevitable and so constant......things were hard to change......n' as if this time they were diggin deeper holes to fall........but knew very little about it......their hopes were shinnin high this time.....but suddenly what happens next...as if lightnin crashes.......n' one by one.....all of the band members......finally find their way to bottom of the hole......they found no one there but themselves......they had to.....they were "on their own".......one of them was just goin to wipe the other's tears as they were just rollin down...... only to hear someone laughin.......that was the ruler of this game.....call him fate.....destiny .....or whatever......they told him......"lets end up this game"...."we accept our defeat"....."we're on our kness"......but as if that was not to be.......fate said....."you don't decide when this game ends"......."its i who decide it"......"winnin or losin is not a part of it!"..."you simply can play it"........
i cannot tell you if this story did end......or is it about to end......but i always long for the day when it ends.......n' pray that no one ever plays this game......where "you're on your own!".........i pray that no one tries to look at the other side of the mountain.....and find out whats there.....i pray that this ends.....forever!
"I remember Paris in '49.
The Champs Elysee, San Michelle
And old Beauolais wine.
And I recall that you were mine
In those Parisienne days.
Looking back at the photographs.
Those summerdays spent outside corner cafes.
Oh, I could write you paragraphs,
About my old Parisienne days."------------------Gary Moore
a couple of days back.....i was talkin on the phone with you...... well i don't wanna take your name as they say..."to protect the innocent"..... but our conversation reminded me the state of mind i was once in........ah! yeah! you can tell that was the time when i was still young.....the grass was greener.....the taste was sweeter...... when time was forever!......n' this strange feelin you have to decide something....... i too once thought about what love n' friendship was all about.....well everyone has their own definitions... n' i once again admire the irony of fate.....as it always have....and the phone line got cut in the middle of our conversation......when you're just about to mention where the difference lied between the two entities........well to me...both of them are so complicated to define.....yet sounds so simple when you possess them .......i know its really very hard to compare them........ both of them are very hard to find....... if you say so in true sense of the term....... but if someone asks me......."which is more complex?"......i'd tell him that it'll be friendship......for i believe what you feel for someone when you say that you love that person.......can be felt to the highest extreme...... only once, unlike friendship......or to put it in very simple note...... i believe that nothing can be more profound than first love........ you may love someone else later...... but the state you remain in the first case can only be felt.......n' not described.......if you ask me if i was in that state.......i gotta say yes, for i can't lie in this place.....n' the first thing that comes to my mind when i was really enjoyin the state.....was the sense of relief i used to get with the uncertainity.....the helplessness......the feelin of paralysed emotions that always seem to captivate me ...n' i somehow really liked all of it....... those were the times i used to sleep real less.....n' yet i wasn't sleepless at all.......n' i still wonder where did all the energy come from... n' where did it go........ all i could remember was that i always used to be busy thinkin about situations n' fit her in those places......n' simply watch n' enjoy her..... n' i also remember that i used to smile when i did it.......so always had to close the doors so that i was never caught!....the very thought of her acted like the fuel.....n' it seemed......i was never short of it......boy!...now i feel i had really lost my sanity.....my behaviour may not be guided by logic.....everyone says that love gives you immense joy.....n' i somehow found that pleasure in my pain and seeked comfort in my wounds.....that was the time when i started to love this cacotopia.....n' i don't regret for what i did......n' that was it.....that was the only thing i did in my story......i only thought about her.......never mentioned it to her.....never mentioned it to anyone else... infact this is the first time i've ever mentioned it!......n' no....fear was not the factor that stopped me from mentionin it........fear of losin her was never the case with me...... i felt that as if confessin my love wasn't the essential part.......i thought that i loved her......n' that was enough......i didn't need anythin else........ that was my idea of an unconditional love.......for i believed n' i still do......true love is somethin really unconditional.......so much so that you can't even ask or expect someone to love you back...... n' yes.....that gave me a lot of pain......and that wasn't easy at all......but somehow......i kind of developed a likin for it.......sometimes i used to cry in those nights......not because i didn't have her by my side.........but maybe sometimes its too painful n' i bursted out.......n' that was how the story ended......but even now.....sometimes......i get a glimpse of it.....though it lack the lustre now......but it still refreshes my memories.......which still remain......n' probably will always remain........its been quite long years...since the time she went out of my life........n' infact it'd be wrong to say so.......for she never stepped in....... but she was a part of me.....each single day i passed... n' what if she never knew about it...... what if she never realized a bit how i felt about her........it was all her essence that i only required to complete my love for her.....which i always possess........n' i regret not...but i'm proud of this.......that i never acted the way most others do.......then maybe i'd have ended the way most others did..... but now when i stop to see what i got....... i still find her in the same place.....in the same state......in the same flamboyance........that she used to be then........n' that makes me really happy that she'd always be in that form forever.......something which even time cannot erase!
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase.....
.......I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have......all of me
so......interestin week for me this was........so many things did happen.......my exam......saraswati puja......valentine's day.......my stay at abhishek's.......n' at last i 'm finally sittin here in front of my pc.
everyday is showin show much of life to me......so much to learn everyday.....i sometimes feel that life's too short to accumulate all those experiences at one place......but i guess.....its all about how we see those stuffs........n' yes........i crossed yet again.....a cross-point in my life.......this exam was the last point that i could have viewed until now........n' from now on.......i needa wait sometime........although i always hated to wait.......but unlike my past experiences........this 'wait' is really worth........n' now when i'm closin my eyes.....n' typin whatever is comin on to my mind......i'm really feelin a sense of relief......not mainly because the exams're over......although that too is a partial reason.......i'm relieved because i'm feelin some strange kind of happiness.......though strange n' happiness don't always go together......but i'm bound to use both of them together......because its really been a while for me to experience such a feelin..........maybe because.......this time i'm not happy because i've achieved somethin great.......maybe because this time......i feel i've so much to achieve...........n' this longingness.....n' emptiness....is makin me happy......i know thats soundin a little off tune........but maybe now i've understood that i can be always happy........even in the times of uncertainity........if i really cared enough to be happy........n' you don't needa make a genuine effort for that........all you need is a moment......a moment with yourself........the moment where you can understand that there're people who always care for you.......even if they don't show it......there're people with whom you can talk with.......even in the middle of the night.......who'll listen to you.......even if they don't understand you completely.....but genuinely try to.........there're people around you who really need your help.......there're people near you........who really expects to see you.......n' probably......all these're enough to give you the real happiness.........n' maybe i was not seein all these lights through the clouds.....but as of now.......i feel as if i'm gettin a glimpse of it.......n' thats probably the exact reason for my happiness!
now......when i still use to recall days from my last four years.......i wish i should've written down every single veritable trauma.......that did penetrated my soul.......i could've really seen every single transition of my life....like a clear reflection in stand-still water.......but i guess its really a pleasant evil that we can't always do stuffs that we really wanna do!
"doubts".......as defined by the dictionary doubt (dout) v. doubt·ed, doubt·ing, doubts. --tr. 1. To be undecided or skeptical about 2. To tend to disbelieve; distrust 3. To regard as unlikely 4. Archaic. To suspect; fear........has always been a part of me........as if it were a friend of my very soul........that i know.......will continue to live.......long after i've gone!.........n' "D" most honest part to be put in very straight language......i didn't like its company........n' i was sick of it...........doubts about future.......doubts about happiness........doubts about priorities.......doubts about friendship n' love..............i kind of developed this feelin that these doubts're a part of me.........n' had almost gave to clear them up.........but maybe i was a bit too eager then.........n' perhaps now i somehow understand that i need not clear them.........doubts are there in their place just to clear me...
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land......
Jim Morrison
now i really hate this part........if you ask me to go somewhere.......i can do that even in the middle of the night.......but packin.....oh it sucks.......my bus is at 8:30 in the morning........n' i'm still tryin to postpone my packin......but i guess i better leave my pc........or else my mom shall break it!!....but packin your stuffs in home is some kind of fun .....unlike it used to be in hostel........because here.....my mom stays right with me........n' she's the one who basically does everythin.......even the worryin part........so there's not much package left for me!!
but right now i'm here to confess somethin.......guys!..i got the card you sent to me......infact both of them......the hard copy.......as well as the soft copy......speakin as honest as i can........those words simply made me speechless........n' you guys......absolutely rock!!........you're definitely amazin people.....or let me put it in short.......you really deserve to be ****'s friends.........no..no....jokes apart......i really owe you all somethin really big!.......there's a slight bit of tension goin on in my head today.......but after i got your card......the exam seems nothin to me......i somehow felt........as if i had surpassed one of my major tests........n' your card was the real reward for me!
n' thats it folks........my mom's starin at me right now!!!!
well as its customary to give your posts a title....i thought a lot to describe this post.....but as i know already.......i can't describe any topic that centers around you with any words....the english language is short of one word....they needa add "monish"........and yeah! this article is somethin monish.....somethin "monish" about it!
and yes i do confess that i really like coincidences in life.......its a coincidence once again that last night i published my post with a note that if someone feels the same way as i do......then just give me a sign....and today i got your mail....though i know that you didn't read my post but your mail described "almost" the exact situation....n' maybe thats the "connection" we do possess....and don't be mad at me as i'm pastin a part of your mail which i felt completely matched the frequency with that of mine....
................................"you know i have always felt there is always more
than a single person residing within this entity that we call "me"...and with time this entity evolves more than anything else..........this 'me' weathers and it starts peelin' off only to give way to another person that lay ensconced in me...a person i somehow feel i never knew..a person whose existence i never even considered let alone acknowledge....but then you realise you gotta live with this man..and there's no alternative..so you just try to see this man...and in tryin' you know he's not too bad either...you own up his thoughts ...his behaviour...his ways....and you lend him your identity....and so another life germinates......life is all about learning to walk hand in hand with your different selves...and playing with them...." ---Monish
don't get me wrong...i didn't include your mail to make my blog look pretty...but somehow i felt as if those're my words....my thoughts!
and yes...."Strangers' Inc." is "the" place where i can show the whole of me "almost" shameslessly.....its somethin as if i'm tired of livin a jester's life....makin fun.....havin fun......makin others laugh....jokes!...well havin said that...by no means i'm annoyed with this life......for i'm still livin it.......the people who know me always adds one comment if they're asked to......"this guy has an amazin sense of humour!".........but very few of them notices the other part too....the other guy who's always neglected so as to maintain the tag of "the full of energy ****".....that guy who really wanna cry when his HOD really asked him to get out.....that guy who really takes to his heart when someone he thinks he can rely on goes the other way....that guy who sometimes get so scared in the middle of the night that he has to turn on the lights to sleep!.......that guy who has "almost" lost his faith in waitin for someone who'll know him!
but then again in the next mornin....the other guy takes over.......all bold....jovial...n' maybe energetic.....and the world around him really falls for the trap......i somehow can carry the camouflage so well!........but after all these years...i've cheated most others but have failed to cheat myself.......tired of carryin those heavy loads of lies everywhere i go.....
Strangers' Inc. is only the retrojection of the other guy.....i believe its the persona of my self that was never personified!
'm listenin to my most favourite Bon Jovi track "These Days"..............."no one wants to be themselves these days!"......how true those lines are.....and infact most of his songs goes real "bull's eye" for me!....i do remember the time back in the hostel....all alone!...that was the time when i asked this question to me.....why do i've so less number of friends...........and the only
answer i had found at that moment was that i picked someone as a friend........like who i really wanna be.....i always've that want in my subconscious that if i could be like him....though i was told and taught.......that its not good to compare yourself with others......and i even tried to terminate this trait of mine.....but i guess somethings don't change....and yeah! if this is some place to confess your inner most self....i do confess that i always wanna play the guitar like ankur da did.....to be so planned and intelligent like navajit....all so fluent and "master of all" like monish....kind and carin like biju....and really at this point...i'm neither hesitant nor shy to confess that i really wanted to have those qualities within me.....and maybe even now.....and thats the mere criterion for me......and even today....when i talk with someone.........i don't actually see the person......rather i try to look at the potentiality and possibility of the reflection of mine in that person!
and after all these years......of quest and content.........tears and laughter...........dreams and realities!......when i sometimes look back at photos of myself......i still don't know whom i'm lookin at....i still don't know whether i finally acquired those stuffs within me.....but one thing i'm substantially certain that i've changed.....and realized it too that ........".....these nights have grown a little bit longer!"
but that strikes me with another question........am i the only one who's findin such a situation.......am i the only one who has a similar basis of friendship........because if there's someone else.......i really wanna ask....."......are you still within yourself........or you too have lost
yourself?".......i wish if someone else with somethin similar is readin this then just give me sign!
oh god! this song really scratches my soul.......
"These days - the stars hang out of reach....
But these days - there ain't no ladder on the streets!
These days - are fast, love don't last...in this graceless age
Even innocence has caught the midnight train!
And there ain't nobody left but us these days..."
recently i've had a small difference of opinion with my mom as i more often do...this time for her seein of some typical "saas bahu" stuff on the TV...and i questioned whether the attention she paid on those stuffs was really essential...my point was that all such soaps show the same bits of reel again n' again...but as of now...when i'm sittin all alone...i wonder...is it the same things thats been happenin in my life too!....thinkin about my life...that holds to be true...just when everythin seems to work fine...somethin get screwed up...and all that remain, is a pretty mess...and then again things finally switch back to normal just to repeat the cycle!
but all these things scares me a bit...i don't get scared because the mess is becomin a part of me these days...but actually i'm tryin to figure out the reason behind it....if fate is behind it....then there's nothing to worry ...as there's no point in worryin....and i too fall in that section who believes that fate's behind everything...and the last couple of years made me to reinforce this belief...but what if its not fate thats screwin up...what if i'm makin some mistakes thats causin everythin...but if its my mistake....then why don't they get noticed...and why keep on makin the same mistakes without realizin when i committed them...but only experiencin the effects.....it seems these questions are better left "unanswered".....because i don't think anyone's ever gonna answer me or explain to me...i believe its one of those stuffs which you don't wanna share with someone but always expect "someone" to feel those wounds and heal them!
comin across the word unanswered...it reminds me of the fact why i actually started to write a blog...i was tired of gettin late replies of my mails...and when they do come...i don't find the appropriate emotions to support those replies...as they say ".....delayed is denied!"....but here in blogs...i don't have to wait for any replies and expect them.
"expectations".....i really like some english words...i really do!....and i believe its one of in the top of the list....all of our lives we expect...we keep on expectin as if there's no endin.....expectin to live when we die....expectin to die when we live......expectin to be loved when someone don't love us....even neglectin if someone else is there who loves us so much.......but in my expectations of greater glory...i feel that i've lost a plenty of opportunities of havin smaller pleasures....but as of now when i look back in my past....its all those smaller pleasures that i can only recall back....because the wait for that greater glory only brought deeper wounds.....which are only meant to be forgotten...even if you can't....but these small pleasures keep on echoin in our ears.....and sometimes even makes me have the strongest of hallucinations i've ever had!........i guess our lives are actually built on those small things....they're the ones what make our real lives!
i often question myself on this...am is still runnin from my destiny...runnin from what i'm really meant to do....i've always tried to escape from it....do i really don't know what's burried inside...or is it somethin i don't wanna know...and postpone it as long as possible.......its not that i don't realize that its really bad to do so...but just as a child who closes his eyes when he sees somethin terrible...i'm also followin the same trait...because i know that the picture's not gonna change when i open my eyes...i wish the world looked exactly the same way to a grown up...as seen by a child...but on second thoughts its not the world which is really changin....its only my vision...maybe we all kill that child within us someday and realize it sometime later!
yesterday pankaj sharma called..and his usual stuff..gettin drunk and callin me...and maybe if it had been some years back..maybe i wouldn't have thought about it.....infact i'd have almost hated to hear those loads of advice from him...but at this point....when i always stare at the crowd hopin that someone esle would see me starin....but findin no one....his call was something more than i should really expect!....and these days i really like advice from anyone...i just feel that at least for some short moment...i was in someone esle's mind!
....talkin about advice...nowadays its a whole different word to me......everyone at some stage or the other learns that....i wonder what might they really have gone through...after which they've learn somethin so special...that they don't forget it for the rest of their lives...and try to pass it off to others...but i wonder...all of them.....do they really think if such advice is really meant for someone else....but probably its something that don't bother...or rather shouldn't
bother...i only feel that its a kind of a process for lettin out your highest rated success or failure to the outside world.....as they say...."advice is a form of nostalgia .....dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal...........wiping it off.........painting over the ugly parts.......and recycling it for more than it’s worth!"
....so maybe for a short moment....they translate your entire episode and link with their own and finally tells you something.....to me, it doesn't matter if that linkin is really worth....but what really counts to me is that i did occupy someones's mind for a fraction of a moment!
.....when someone else thinks about you ....in a good way....it really feels good...at least i feel so...and if someone means something special to you....it really gives a lifetime of happiness...i can still recall that day....when i was a bit upset of the fact that why do i think about someone and that someone don't do it for a single moment..... and just then that person took my name...and as i just mentioned the magic that one moment can really have.....however in my case....it was not even a moment.....maybe a split moment.....but the cast it did really spell on me...was more profound than a long awaited glory!
...somehow i feel a lot of things strange within...but still can't realize what is stranger!...now i know that in my childhood...when i really wanted to rush to grow up....i was actin strange....but is it stranger on my part as i now...really want that child back inside me.....i do realize that its really strange when i sometimes become really anxious to know what lies ahead in my future....but do i act even more strange when i recall the same past with much content and sadness, when its all gone....its really strange when i chase my dreams as if they're my only means of survival....but i don't know if its stranger when i find myself that i've even left behind my dreams during the run!....sometimes i treat my friends as if they're for granted....yeah! i know thats really really strange....but is it stranger when i always long to be with them when they're gone!..
maybe...someday i'm gonna understand....understand why sometimes i laugh so much so that i can really hide my tears...why, sometimes, i act so brave so that i can hide my deepest fears.....
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