n' you're invited....

let me tell this to someone..... if there's someone at all listenin'. i may not know you. but then i don't know a lot of 'em whom i think i do. but this is somethin' different. it's a kind of party. now you may not ask the reason why.... for i don't know it particularly well. but i still happen to be the host. n' i've got somethin' else to tell you as well. that i've never been a host before. n' somethin' even more drastic..... i don't even remember when was the last time i've been to some party. but that's not the point. for i feel there're a lot of "us" between "them".... who've been lately seein' all their lives as snapshots. as if they're of someone else's life. n' the particles contained in it are movin' in ultra slow motion. oh no!.... it's not about hastenin' your life.... for even if you do so now.... you may regret later for it's pace. it's just a kind of get together....... where i'm gonna show that even if you're really beautiful.... you don't look so beautiful when you're all alone. but even if you're ugly enough.... i assure you.... you're gonna look hell of a beauty if you're gonna stick together here. so you don't need to think so much.... your watch is gonna show you the same time even if you look deep into it...stare straight into it...n' do that repeatedly....... for we both know.... time is not much by our side. time may not be..... but we can still be together right?.... it's just a request. i mean why do all the passersbye need to always pass huh?... why do all the losers stay forever in some dark corner. i mean once in a while...... hold that broken heart by your hand... n' come forward.... for we all have the same one as well. let's talk about it huh?... let's see together who has got the darkest bruise...... who has got the deepest scar. let's see it all huh?

so is there anyone out there with a broken heart.... someone out there who's bein' hurt by someone sometime n' you feel like the weight of this whole world is on your shoulder. let me tell you i've got a plan. coz we all have been in that situation for one time or another. if you.... if you fit in to that category ..... come on down n' talk to me. n' i must tell you why.

       

members only
it's a private party
don't need no money
to qualify
n' don't bring your chequebook
just bring your broken heart
coz it's members only tonight

you say you lost your woman
you say you lost your man
you got a lot of problems
all in your life
let me throw a party
over the broken heart
n' it's members only tonight

go tell mama
n' go tell dad
red or yellow
black or white
say that i'm throwin' a party
over the broken heart
n' it's members only tonight

members only
it's a private party
don't need no money
to qualify
n' don't bring your chequebook
just bring your broken heart
coz it's members only tonight

n' it's gonna be alright!

       

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my top five...

lovin’ someone is so much like dreamin’..... not the kind of dreamin’ defined by the medicine guys but i’m talkin’ about the ones that we tend to do without much closin’ our eyes. the likes of buyin’ a great house after gettin' a good job or somethin’ close. for everythin’ seen in there seems quite real although it’s just the opposite of real. n’ more to it.... everythin’ looks very beautiful just like bein’ in love. n’ nobody needs any special abilities for that. just like anybody n’ everybody can dream..... anybody n’ everybody can love as well. but they who do so.... only the ones with greater abilities than the rest can really hope to make their dreams come true... n’ for the rest who don’t have them..... hopin’ that their dreams would come true just like that..... i would say that’s not a very great hope. you also need greater abilities than the rest as well to make your love come true.... n’ for the rest..... it’s ok if your love don’t come true. it’s ok.

seperation of love have always found great significance in the world of music.... n’ song writers all around the globe have made sure that their pens made an exact replica of their tear drops when they all felt they were losin’ somethin’. the ones listed below are the top five songs i like the most that falls into this genre. they’re listed in ascendin’ order of my likin’.

# this is a song titled “(It’s Hard) Letting You Go” written by jon bon jovi. it appeared on the record titled “These Days” in 1995. this song depicts the pain one is experiencin’ for his beloved is no longer with him n’ he blames himself for this.... n’ thus, chooses to endure wait as long as he can n’ thinkin’ of no one else.

       

It ain't no fun in lying down to sleep
And there ain't no secrets left for me to keep
I wish the stars up in the sky
Would all just call in sick
And the clouds would take the moon out
On some one-way trip

I drove all night down streets that wouldn't bend
But somehow they drove me back here once again
To the place I lost at love, and the place I lost my soul
I wish I'd just burn down this place that we called home
It would all have been so easy
If you'd only made me cry
And told me how you're leaving me
To some organ grinder's lullaby

It's hard, so hard - it's tearing out my heart
It's hard letting you go

Now the sky, it shines a different kind of blue
And the neighbor's dog don't bark like he used to
Well - me, these days
I just miss you - it's the nights that I go insane
Unless you're coming back for me
That's one thing I know that won't change

It's hard, so hard - it's tearing out my heart
It's hard letting you go

Now some tarot card shark said I'll draw you a heart
And we'll find you somebody else new
But I've made my last trip to those carnival lips
When I bet all that I had on you

It's hard, it's hard, it's hard, so hard
It's hard letting you go
It's hard, so hard, it's tearing out my heart
But it's hard letting you go

       

# the next song is called “D'yer Mak’er” originally written by Led Zeppelin in 1973 for the record “Houses Of The Holy”. this song is very close to my heart... which is why probably i’ve chosen it as my pseudo name. the name is actually pronounced as “Jamaica” n’ not dyer maker. but i still like the name dyer maker n’ when i first heard people callin’ me by this name... i mean a few of them..... i never corrected them n’ still ask them to call me the same as jamaica doesn’t make much of a sense for a author’s name! this song is sung askin’ someone’s beloved to come back n’ stay forever. this song was later covered by Sheryl Crow n’ like always.... i like the cover version more than the original one.

       

Oh oh oh oh oh oh, You don't have to go oh oh oh oh oh
You don't have to go oh oh oh oh oh, you don't have to go.
Ay ay ay ay ay ay, All those tears I cry ay ay ay ay ay
All those tears I cry oh oh oh oh ay, Baby please don't go.

When I read the letter you wrote, it made me mad mad mad
When I read the words that it told me,
It made me sad sad sad, But I still love you so
I can't let you go, I love you- ooh baby I love you.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh, Every breath I take oh oh oh oh oh
Every move I make hey hey, Baby please don't go.
Ay ay ay ay ay ay, You hurt me to my soul oh oh oh oh,
You hurt me to my soul oh oh oh oh,
Darling please don't go.

When I read the letter you sent me, it made me mad mad mad
When I read the news that it brought me,
It made me sad sad sad, But I still love you so
I can't let you go, I love you- ooh baby I love you.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh, You don't have to go oh oh oh oh oh
You don't have to go oh oh oh oh oh
Oh baby, ba-bee bee please please please
ah ah ah ah ah baby ah ah I really love you baby
oo oo oo oo oo darlin' oooohhhh oh
Oh baby I still love you so,
Oh baby I still love you so ohohoh, ooo, oh oh oh oh oh yeah

       

# this song is rated by some people as the greatest break up songs ever written. orginally written by Joan Baez in 1975 for the record “Diamonds & Rust”..... Baez brought out the helplessness n’ clarity one sees in the films of ghosts about yester years when they think about their beloved ones after years gone by. she has written this song about her relationship with bob dylan. but personally.... i feel this is just more than a break up song. to me... it makes more sense when you accidentally come across the person that mattered most to you once but vanished for reasons both defined n’ undefined. the memories in the context of this song make more sense to me when it’s seen as a consequence rather than a cause. n’ yet again, i like the cover version of this song more performed by Blackmore’s Night.

       

Well I'll be damned
Here comes your ghost again
But that's not unusual
It's just that the moon is full
And you happened to call
And here I sit
Hand on the telephone
Hearing a voice I'd known
A couple of light years ago
Heading straight for a fall

As I remember your eyes
Were bluer than robin's eggs
My poetry was lousy you said
Where are you calling from?
A booth in the midwest
Ten years ago
I bought you some cufflinks
You brought me something
We both know what memories can bring
They bring diamonds and rust

Well you burst on the scene
Already a legend
The unwashed phenomenon
The original vagabond
You strayed into my arms
And there you stayed
Temporarily lost at sea
The Madonna was yours for free
Yes the girl on the half-shell
Would keep you unharmed

Now I see you standing
With brown leaves falling around
And snow in your hair
Now you're smiling out the window
Of that crummy hotel
Over Washington Square
Our breath comes out white clouds
Mingles and hangs in the air
Speaking strictly for me
We both could have died then and there

Now you're telling me
You're not nostalgic
Then give me another word for it
You who are so good with words
And at keeping things vague
Because I need some of that vagueness now
It's all come back too clearly
Yes I loved you dearly
And if you're offering me diamonds and rust
I've already paid

       

# this next song is called “My Immortal” by Evanescence for the record “Fallen”. this is a relatively newer song that was released in 2003. the lyrics are actually based on a movie Ben Moody (co-founder of the band) saw. this song greatly portrays the pain left behind by the memories of the beloved who now can never return but haunt forever.

       

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

       

# this song is called “Now and Then” written by Candice Night for the record “Under the Violet Moon” in 1999. this song is my personal favourite of this genre. this one shows the void n’ pain laid down upon the years gone by after the seperation from their love. it primarily tries to self assure oneself that life shall still n’ has been goin’ on since then... but still..... the absence has always lingered upon. there’s also the clarity of some kind of fear bein’ exhibited in this song.... the fear that one’s beloved will forget all the moments they shared after goin’ away.... the moments which he remembers since quite a long time. the evergreen voice of Candice Night only succeeds to fill that extra amount of pain n’ hallucination this song demands.

       

The past is so familiar
But that's why you couldn't stay
Too many ghosts, too many haunted dreams
Beside you were built to find your own way...
But after all these years, I thought we'd still hold on
But when I reach for you and search your eyes
I see you've already gone...

That's OK
I'll be fine
I've got myself, I'll heal in time
But when you leave just remember what we had...

There's more to life than just you
I may cry but I'll make it through
And I know that the sun will shine again
Though I may think of you now and then...

Can't do a thing with ashes
But throw them to the wind...
Though this heart may be in pieces now
You know I'll build it up again and
I'll come back stronger than I ever did before
Just don't turn around when you walk out that door...

That's OK
I'll be fine
I've got myself, I'll heal in time...but when you leave just remember what we had...

There's more to life than just you
I may cry but I'll make it through
And I know that the sun will shine again
Though I may think of you now and then...

That's OK
I'll be fine
I've got myself, I'll heal in time...

And even though our stories at the end
I still may think of you now and then...

       

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n’ i shall carry.....

i’m small.... i’m weak as well. but i’m strong..... strong enough to carry all the blames. n’ i make a choice to carry them. n’ i shall carry them.... as long as i can.

forgotten...

amnesia didn’t bother me much. it was only when i got my memory back i got to remember all the things i didn’t do.

p.s. nobody hurt me. it was only me who chose to get hurt. i held nobody responsible. nobody hurt me.

it’s a brand new day...

the sun shall always set like it has always done before..... n’ it shall rise again in no different way. but it’s our vision what creates that difference. because on every special brand new day.... it’ll be the same old sun but we're still gonna treat it differently.

get out of your past..... for you know pretty little of your own ancient history. n’ neither will your sons nor your daughters will. n’ the stories they’re gonna tell.... they were not even a part of it let alone be the witnesses. but still they’d seem to live it.

get yourself a new thought that may give you a reason for a brand new smile..... a new turn maybe that’s gonna lead you to a brand new destination.... lettin’ you overtake all your previous milestones n’ obstacles. n’ you need to get outside. for you maybe lookin’ for somethin’. but someone else maybe waitin’ for somethin’ as well. don’t waste too much of your time in mournin’ for the black holes.... for no matter how hard you try.... you’re never gonna see them but try to marvel at the brand new light from all those brand new stars. memories may feed you well but remember they won’t let you grow. they’re just like mummies..... n’ we all know mummies are pretty much hollow.

n’ we all know somethin’ else as well. that all the endings are the same more or less n’ are therefore pretty predictable. it’s actually those brand new starts that give each story a new look.

       

you may very well end up gettin’ yourself into a time frame where you may have to say a thousand things..... but you just don’t find a single word to speak. n’ yet again there might be moments where you fear more for the unspoken words you understood than the ones you actually misunderstood.... but just for a while..... maybe just for once..... open your eyes n’ try to see what you’ve always wanted to see. n’ then... you just might see.... that it’s a brand new day.

       

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n’ i still look for....

it’s always been hard for me to sleep with reality..... for it’s cold. n’ memories i never want to rely on much for i also need to carry the dragnet along..... n’ dragnets have always been so partial...so biased. n’ no..... i need not be ashamed...... ashamed of myself. even when i know now ......maybe i knew it all along. those were sheaths of lies that i was wrappin’ myself around. lies... the close cousin to hopes. can fill the void so hopelessly. n’ i won’t be shameful for i relied on lies to make myself happy..... as i was only tryin’ to walk on the road i refer to as “happiness”...... the responsibility i’ve for myself made me do so.

but i regret once again more for the truths i had to accept in the end than the lies i could ignore no longer. n’ i once again look for one honest liar..... that can lie to me for a lifetime. one who can conceal the truth in the depth of oceans.... in the height of the mountains... in the darkness of an eclipse. i look for that liar who’ll always say those lies relentlessly. lies ....what i want to hear. lies that are always so beautiful. i look for someone who can permanently keep me far from this truth.

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Fear....

i wonder what it is.... does it come right with us or is fed to us sometime later? or do i’ve this right to use words like “us” in this post when it’s all just a personal realization even though i see it all around me within others. it’s still a personal observation. i wonder is it the world around or is it just me?

n’ it’s so everywhere.... starts with darkness perhaps. i had this fear of the dark since long time back. as if my pupils feared to contract as the darkness expanded.... diminishin’ every syndrome of light......... n’ this fear propagates everywhere. inside that extremely crowded bus where a strange kind of fear creeps in when the passenger’s stoppage point comes nearby..... he fears that the bus won’t stop there...or it’ll....but he won’t make it to the door before the bus starts movin’ again. the fear when you hire a taxi..... that fear increases when the driver makes an delay to turn the meter on... the fear drops rushin’ high inside you...you askin’ immediately.... “meter workin’?”..... n’ this taxi syndrome still shows others symptoms even if the meter is turned on immediately..... “if he’s makin’ a deliberate long route”.... n’ you no longer just sit there......but calculate the whole journey....how long n’ how much it would have costed if he had taken a left instead of that last right. there’s also a fear inside while orderin’ food in a family outin’. the lady fears if item X is better than item Y.... n’ it creates a whole lot of confusion before orderin’ either of the two. fear between the time you put your hands inside your pockets to find that coin..... till you find that thing poppin’ out from the kiosk...... any slight delay for some technical anomaly so often makes us even shake the whole thing...... probably it’s fear overpowerin’ us once again.

n’ it’s so everywhere.... from the core to the surface..... from the most complicated to the most simplified entities. n’ just for a while cast away all those fears that are rated as a mental crises in the medical dictionaries.... i’m talkin’ about all the ‘phobias’...... but the more dangerous ones..... that’re termed very normal. the ones that i’ve always been a victim..... the ones that maybe you’ve always been a victim.

the fear when i buy somethin’.... the fear of an unhealthy bargain.... the fear that my friend might have bought it at a cheaper rate. i’ve seen young girls particularly inside shoppin’ malls. wearin’ a relatively shorter dress.... n’ the word ‘relatively’ has been chosen to deny conflicts.... n’ their hands reachin’ at the back portion of the dress tryin’ to pull it down quite more than frequently. now honestly.... i’ve got no clue what’s that fear all about..... for revealin’ say another 5 cms would hardly make any difference.... but still....it must be some form of fear. it’s fear again that shows up probably at each bite she takes.... i’m talkin’ about any non-fat girl.... she need not even be a thin girl for this....but she fears that the calories right inside the next bite she’s gonna take would cost her that extra amount of fat in the most inappropriate place of her whole body!

the ones without any apparent job has got the fear of not gettin’ one.... n’ the ones who has it..... oh god they have a whole garage of fear..... infact they’re the fulcrums where the lever of fear resides viciously. some of them primarily fear of losin’ the job.... others fear that their job may never get better..... n’ the rest fear that all their colleagues n’ non-colleagues are doin’ a better one than them.

n’ then we’ve got the more serious ones.... like the fear of growin’ old – the ones between the young n’ the old have it...... the fear of death – definitely the old have it...... the fear of not gettin’ married – in my kind of society the parents have it the most..... the fear of gettin’ married – definitely i’ve the most! n’ strangely enough sometimes we fear from somethin’ that may not even exist for real. like fear of losin’ someone. but do we really know who actually belongs to us?.... for bein’ apparently close n’ inherently close are two different behaviors. n’ not only that. we tend to react to this fear n’ we start behavin’ differently for we fear that the person may not like it.... n’ we so often end up doin’ things that we actually don’t want to do for this fear..... n’ sometimes we don’t do things that we actually want to do.

but the greatest fear inside me that has conquered me for more than long is the fear of bein’ lonely... fear of bein’ left out...... fear of bein’ opted out. probably because it has been more than often that i’ve been hit upon by these consequences of which fear only acts as a ventilator.... but it’s not only scary....it’s also sad. this is an age where we’ve probed what’s there in the neighborin’ planet or tryin’ to make radio contact with the people we don’t even know for sure if they exist in some other galaxies. n’ we’re.... i mean most of us are growin’ so old with this fear of solitude. probably we’ve already lost the opportunity to raise any fingers against anyone who has left us alone for either we have or we will leave someone else alone too.

but i’ve got this one question to you mr. god. if it’s correct that you did create me... me as the human..... a more generic term..... i must say you did a brilliant job. for i love most of me. i love not only my special abilities like secondary thinkin’ n’ the art of disriminatin’ which have always fascinated me n’ given me the greatest of joys perhaps...... an art which even you don’t seem to possess.... as you insist more on equality n’ even claim of treatin’ everyone else equally which is totally unacceptable to me...... i do love my short comings as well – the ones like my feature of gettin’ confused.... my limited knowledge.... my ignorance.... my syndromes of makin’ errors that too repeatedly...... gettin’ disappointed n’ gettin’ lost quite often.......jealousy.....anger.. n’ everythin’ else..... but i only have severe n’ sincere doubts about all this fear thing that you’ve given to me..... i mean to such an extent? that it revolves around me with so much stubbornness that i can’t overcome it even though i know about it. n’ it’s funny....for even though you’ve given me the free will which means i can make any choice i want to make.... you’ve also filled me with immense fear heedin’ to which i can never exercise that free will of mine completely.... as if it’s your way of puttin’ your hands inside your pockets n’ turnin’ your back.

       

all my fears immensely amaze me and larger than that, my denial amazes me; my denial to shed all those fears even when i’m not ignorant. and in this world where i’ve lost quite a lot of everythin’ more than lots, i somehow don’t lose those fears, not even in magnitude. my oldness has only succeeded to multiply it.

       

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strangers in the night....

       

he was like a tree
standin’ on the ground
wantin’ to run around
n’ move here n’ there.

she was like the wind
flyin’ through the leaves
wantin’ to stop n’ wait
n’ talk a little while.

i was speakin’ loud
in the witchin’ hour
all my wishful thoughts
came out in the yard.

she was keepin’ quiet
in the silent night
echoes were archived
that whispered to her heart.

love was hangin’ there
in the clothes on the wire
the sun had dried it all
as each wet drop fell down.

i spitted out the truth
n’ drank a spoonful of lies
the wishin’ machine will soon be made
n’ it won’t fail this time.

       

corn flakes n’ sunday mornin’

not that free like i used to be once in all those sunday mornings.... workin’ part time as an alarm clock these days..... obviously an honorary service!! thought of doin’ some hardwork..... thought of makin’ some breakfast. corn flakes are the best i could have thought of.... for that’s the only think i can make for breakfast.... for you only have to pour it over. n’ it was pretty tough..... to have such a precise aim of pourin’ each flake right in the bowl.... some of them did manage to miss the target..... but it was an overall good raid.

so neil young was tellin’ me about the “Inca Queen” while i was havin’ my most thought provokin’ breakfast. called madhatter after that while he confirmed that my voice was cheerful..... n’ mind you not girlish..... my voice is not girlish. damn! n’ i told him it was pretty obvious...... everyone becomes cheerful after havin’ corn flakes.... not everybody knows that.... but still... it’s unknowingly obvious.

conclusion: cheerfulness (a.k.a. happiness) is pretty cheap. comes in the form of sealed packets n’ costs me 75 bucks!!!

p.s. thought for the last three days what passerby55 means.... could think of nothin’.... it’s not actually true..... actually thought of a lot of things...... but none of them made sense. actually even this is not true..... each of them made sense to me..... but i was pretty sure it won’t make much to anyone else.

is it about some friend whom you find very rarely.... “Who doesn’t care where you’ve been.... Or who you are or what you’ve done. Just believes you’re special, a someone.”?

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backdated...

madhatter said...

       

..sanity seems to have descended..i mean..where from in the friggin' big chaos did "anyways" drop.. i mean.."anyways"..you must be jokin'..damn well jokin'.....think of the massacre to you perpretatin' on good old "anyway"...if you are not jokin'....is this some kinda xtra "cool" and xtra "dumb"...thing people sort of try to cultivate on their language farm these days....just to be "in"..damn "in"....well,think of it...your 3rd grade grammar or language teacher must be growin' red all over...or sillier still...she must have been damn well converted too...coz,these days i seem to be losin' a lotta my friendly folk to this rabid addiction.....I don't know how do people manage to fuse two words that in a way stand in total contrast to each other.."any" and "ways"..."one" and "many"....and yet hope to sound so meaningful...well..here it is to you..all ya "anyways" fellas...you missed the plot totally...get some sense back through the window....because someday you are goin' to grow old..and you won't be "hip" anymore..no matter how many times you damn well utter that wonderfully flawed magically disgustin' word-"anyways"....and maybe then you will not want to sound dumb....so better take your first step towards salvation....

       

       

...so how long have you been diggin' deep for reasons just to live a life of sanity..a life of strait-jacketed charm??...how predictive your goals are???..huh??..why does it make you think that an unreasoned existence blooms in the corridors of idleness..??can't people create some idleness for themselves???...objectiveness ruins the beauty of an endeavor..Don't try to rationalise many things in life,some things exist for the purpose of existence....Well you are always welcome to walk towards your home....but do once in a while stray your vision sideways coz you don't wanna miss the lilacs in springtime bloom..And if this lil community didna have any damn purpose...you wouldna have dropped in those inane lines....for someway or the other..we like it..when people think...and that in itself is a purpose well served..but i guess ignorance is the sickness of late-bloomers......and well the wind does blow..but it is always the air in it that makes the leaves rustle...and if that somehow makes you feel that we are peein' into you...we are sorry..we aren't...but if you think we are..sorry for the stink that you get....

       

..in the winter of 2004.

still in bed....

6+1=7.... a whole week..... too long. still lyin’ here in my bed...... too long. tryin’ to write my smile down now... for too long...... but it’s not easy....... naah....... writin’ a smile is pretty easy..... piece of cake.... writin’ it is tough when you’re lyin’ flat on your back n’ the ball pen ink don’t flow out to the paper..... but it can’t..... ink is suppose to flow out...not fly out. n’ why am i thinkin’ of so many things?...... first thing i thought was to buy a nail polish. if anyone who’s not a stranger to me n’ is still readin’ this is not allowed to raise their eyebrows ok... it’s not what you think!...... am watchin’ the front wall n’ the side wall......it’s too clean as a wall...... just felt like the cleanest wall of the country.... n’ i’m lookin’ straight at it.... right in my room. nail polish holds good on walls. i’ve tried that before.

n’ then i thought of writtin’ my next book..... but i need a title. that’s the only thing i need. for that’s the only thing i look for when i buy a book. the content never bothers me much!..... so what’s it gonna be huh?..... i roll over..... oh..... the ink finally flows...... it’s really difficult to write with a dry pen.... more difficult than livin’ with a dry heart. i need to write the title. but there’s not much space left on my bedcover.... it’s mostly occupied by my name... yeah i write it down so what...... few one liners....... i can write them down whole day.... provided i get a good clean bedcover....... a few questions with artistic question marks.... “do firemen play with fire for a while before they go into a mission just like swimmers take a shower before goin’ for a swim?”..... n’ yeah... the titles of my previous books..... “the young libran, the old libran n’ the libra woman”. i’m crawlin’ on my bed.... like a G.I. but in the reverse direction..so what. the new title’s gonna be..... “Gain back your virginity in 21 days”.

n’ there’re so many people i can think of. i can think of my mom who’ll be still worryin’..... i mean she should if i’m the child. n’ yeah..... someone once called me “horrible child” ..... n’ i smile.... when i think of certain people. i mean a whole section of them.... no single outs! n’ then i think of hair..... i mean head hair!!!..... i think if the hair that’s been cut has grown out finally..... n’ i smile..... i can’t even tease them when i see them waitin’ for their hair to grow out fully when they’ve spent money to make them short... for they give such aggressive n’ high bass statements like.... “yeah i can do that”.... which actually means ..... “you say another word n’ you’re dead!”

n’ i look at my phone n’ couldn’t stop smilin’.... thinkin’ of doin’ somethin’ back. but i love my life. i don’t wanna die young. n’ i don’t wanna spoil the next 6 days. but still...i can smile. :)

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:-)

music alone can save me now!!

Day after day I’m more confused
Yet I look for the light
Through the pourin’ rain
You know that’s a game that I hate to lose
And I’m feeling the strain
Ain’t it a shame

Oh, give me the beat, boys, and free my soul
I want to get lost in your rock and roll
And drift away

Beginning to think that I’m wasting time
I don’t understand the things I do
The world outside looks so unkind
Now I’m counting on you
To carry me through

Oh, give me the beat, boys, and free my soul
I want to get lost in your rock and roll
And drift away

And when my mind is free
You know a melody can move me
And when I’m feeling blue
The guitar’s coming through to soothe me

Thanks for the joy that you’ve given me
I want you to know I believe in your song
Your rythm and rhyme and harmony
You’ve helped me along
Makin’ me strong

Oh, give me the beat, boys, and free my soul
I want to get lost in your rock and roll
And drift away

n’ i keep crawlin’

       

n’ i keep crawlin’ on my knees
wipin’ the floors of my yesterdays with blood n’ tears
where everythin’ seemed to be perfect
but it only seemed
love grew to vengeance
n’ distances echoed
still regrettin’ more for all the truths i accepted
than the lies i couldn’t ignore
n’ i keep crawlin’ on my knees
till i wipe out all my yesterdays with blood n’ tears.

       

Few...

there’re very few things in life which are sadder than you needin’ to pick up little bit of somethin’ to make yourself walk n’ when you somehow see an old bar just like an oasis..... you findin’ yourelf eatin’ the dust in the ground as the bartender throws you out for his favourite customer didn’t like your face.

there’re very few things in life which are sadder than spendin’ last 40 fridays in deathly summer.... just to earn a scary stormy saturday night.

there’re very few things in life which are sadder than realizin’ that your life is a sonnet..... where all you get is a chance of 14 lines to live everythin... for there ain’t no 15th line.

there’re very few things in life which are sadder than you gettin’ tied up from neck to toe n’ when you see no one else.... you find that one person who mattered the most in your life...... but slowly walkin’ away.... leavin’ you right there.

there’re very few things in life which are sadder than you goin’ to a party with all your “good” friends..... but the host wants you to leave for he doesn’t like you...... n’ all your friends seein’ you go away..... you makin’ that one long walk of your life when you know no one is walkin’ behind you.

there’re very few things in life which are sadder than no one stoppin’ you or willin’ to stop you as you needed to walk away..... when all your hopes get crashed one by one in slow motion when all that your ears cared to hear was a voice to stop you n’ make you stay... but there was no voice.

there’re very few things in life which are sadder than seein’ the distance grow as you slowly walk away..... witnessin’ all those psychological distances morphin’ into the geographical ones.

p.s. but then.... what’s the point in waitin’ when you let it go.... right in front of your eyes?

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love n’ god....

had long phone conversations last night...... with friends... some of them who’re closer than the heartbeat..... some of them who couldn’t get close enough........ but strangely enough the longest conversation happened with the latter one. it’s kind of surreal.... few happenings that you n’ i consider to be mishappenings for it gave a few heartbeats which seemed like more of a noise.... can actually bring two persons..... with differin’ attitude.... thoughts n’ conclusions on most of the things.... so close... n’ so understandable to each other. somethin’ like “my class teacher slapped me for no reason”... “yeah he did that to me too”... n’ then it gets so easy. n’ yet again..... few seemingly random events were infact closely tied together. we touched the knots last night as we talked. touchin’ somethin’ while talkin’ always excites me.... or atleast makes me feel that it’s better than talkin’ without touchin’!

i’m havin’ doubts that i believe are stranger... n’ are kind of new to me....it looks so. i thought i loved a lot of people.... i think i love a lot of people..... n’ that’s the worst part of love i hate so much. it’s always so stubborn. you just can’t stop lovin’ them once you know you’ve started to. but sooner or later..... all my beliefs over love is largely recedin’. not because of the nature of love.... or nature of anyone else.

       

when i thought i loved you.....i loved you all.... n’ i wanted to love you more.... until the point where there ain’t no possibility of no more.... so that i can love you once again from the start.... till i reach that point again. but i didn’t love you. i loved a person i thought it was you.... i loved a person i thought i saw in you. n’ now when i’m not too sure if you’re that person.... i still couldn’t stop lovin’ you.

       

i always believed in god... even though i never went to any worshippin’ place or folded my hands but did it in my own way. but i always had this one doubt in my mind. if “you” control everthin’ else.... n’ like they say... “you” could do quite a lot of things. then why oh why you’ve erased every possible trace of yours.... n’ everytime we need to believe in “you” rather than knowin’ “you” ....even a little bit. maybe i know it now. for believin’ in god is very much like lovin’ someone deeply. but “you” wanted to make sure that believin’ in “you” mostly works...unlike the love thing. n’ i believe all our beliefs regardin’ “you” are steadfast while the love shakes off afterwards.... is because we don’t believe in “you”.... we only believe in someone n’ consider that someone to be “you”. n’ we never get to know who actually that “you” is.....n’ so we remain faithful..n’ our beliefs remain safe for all of our lives. now i feel even the love thing can be pretty much “eternal” if we make sure that we never try to know the person we love n’ continue with the love process. i believe if we can do that... then few things could last forever!

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just not enough....

somehow.... huh?.. yeah somehow. i mean i get these thoughts somehow.... specially in all those lonesome sundays. n’ it’s kind of funny.... that you only feel lonelier not because you’re away from your home... or your best friend watched you walk out of his room just like he watched you walk out of his life n’ said probably nothin’ much or rather nothin’ at all to stop you..... but you’re feelin’ lonelier for your television isn’t workin’ or the cable guys are on the strike..... i mean i know it’s already kind of depressin’ when a box has so much influence over your whole life..... but it’s also kind of funny in a way. i don’t know why.... maybe because i can feel i can control my life with the piece of remote in my hand... although i know that’s not possible.... but i also know a lot more than that.... n’ i can pretend too!

i don’t know when did it all start.... maybe it started a long time back..... i never used to get late in my school.... i mean when i say never... it’s not somethin’ like “never” but most of the times... n’ the few times that i got late.... i mean they can be ignored..... i mean people have ignored far important facts than that.... but that was not the point. what i wanted to write is .... i never used to get late...... but somehow i always used to get this feelin’ that i’m never on time. probably that was a faithful feelin’ showin’ a great deal of fidelity till now. no matter how much i try.... i always get late.

i don’t know why but i want to have a father son talk today. it’s not that i have such kind of talks with my father... things are still quite simpler with me n’ him. but still want to have somethin’ like this. probably a walk by the lake would be even better!

n’ today i don’t quite agree with pink floyd when they said somethin’ like “numbers hardly matter if the right one walks out of your door” ... i don’t know if i got the words right.... but i’m sure it was somethin’ like this. but i guess numbers do matter. because no matter who you’re..... how much you’ve achieved or how much you’ve lost..... it’s only the people around you who makes you feel that you’re a beautiful person. it’s very hard for yourself to make you feel like that all by yourself. n’ now i don’t really know if feelin’ like that is how important for me...or is it necessary at all.

but i can’t stop makin’ this confession to myself that i feel different today.... like you feel when someone fired you from your job..... somethin’ like you’re completely out of work...out of time....out of space.

bein’ busy is not just doin’ a whole lot of work everyday....day in n’ day out..... n’ when you come back from your office.... the work load got so much overshootin’ that you fall asleep as soon as you slam your door hard.... naah i don’t think so..... i feel it’s only the happiness that keeps you real busy.... so busy that you don’t get hurt... you don’t feel bad... you don’t feel tired.... for you only feel you’re busy.... real busy with your happiness.

       

..... there’s so much of a difference between yesterday’s n’ today’s. but when i look at the today’s n’ the tomorrow’s.... it’s just the same.

       

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n’ i remember....

n’ i remember every single ups n’ downs that i ended up havin’ with you. i remember every single moment of opportunity you gave me when i used that little piece of information n’ used it against you to make fun of you..... i remember every single moment of misopportunity which you didn’t even give me but i still used it against you n’ still made fun of you. i remember the dark staircases where i didn’t see much.....well no one did but you..... n’ i remember your expression of partial consideration n’ disgust as i was really slow in there. i remember every single run i made chasin’ you..... mostly for nothin’ n’ you gave up everytime almost involuntarily. i remember readin’ your diary once n’ then almost killin’ your soul critisizin’ every single word written on it...... i remember writin’ somethin’ on your math book (maybe not yours.... maybe the library’s)... “you need a very strong brain to solve all these sums.... for everythin’ else.... there’s you”.... i remember usin’ your last water filled bucket when there was no water no where. i remember quite a few lunches n’ almost all the dinners i had with you. i remember the night when i first met you when you were all very scared n’ i was all very hungry..... i was lookin’ for that late night biscuit n’ you were pretendin’ to be sick (by the way..... you were pathetic). i remember lookin’ for you almost exhaustively when i was goin’ temporarily insane on full scale basis as i headed my focus on my career as a song writer (by the way... that was even more pathetic).... n’ you were the critic i knew wouldn’t dare to take the other side. i remember takin’ that cheap motel room for the night. i remember us goin’ for shoppin’ when we bought the least but planned the most. i remember all those nights that we talked about the other 98% who differed from us..... n’ pitied on them to remain in a life of delusion. i remember that one month exile we took from our friendship (n’ i won’t apologize for it only made us better).

i remember every lyric that we collected..... i remember every single time you takin’ my side.... i remember every single star that i looked at with you from the balcony.... i remember winorgnizer..... i remember tony francis. i remember every single thing that reminds me of you.

p.s. the motel room thing i mentioned.... ok i made it up..... but it was done to make it look more beautiful.... n’ more to it.... we could have always done it!!!

n’ oh yes..... n’ i remember you!


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n’ i dream about movies they won’t make of me when i’m dead....

a wrong reason still happens to be a reason.
no matter how many pages you turn..... you can roll only dust till you reach the mystery’s final page.
the lines i write show more meanings when i tend to look for them after writin’ it.
the truths they give me are always so shatterin’.... it’s the lies i feed myself on that make my life somethin’ like beautiful.
all my life long experieces are good enough to be the victims of the coffee tables.
you need to be primarily deficient of vitamin k to be an effective lover.
coincidences are the ones that takes you to the right way when you had a choice to make.
lucky you become only when your fate stops takin’ decisions n’ relies more on a fluke.

if jokes n' dreams were synonymous

n’ after a while... you no longer feel the pain to see it go..... away from you..... n’ you’re not so sure why can’t you feel so..... i always thought the one who lost somethin’ always have somethin’ more to lose ...... somethin’ more to give away...... i don’t know if i was wrong then or i’m wrong now. but somethin’ doesn’t matter anymore..... n’ all you can do while you stand there in the causeway is give a shallow smile..... for somehow you don’t feel like payin’ the tears. it’s the least form of rebellion one can impose.

       

i was lookin’ for a name
for i didn’t want to die without it
jokes i told not only to laugh
for they came true unlike those cast away dreams

i feel i still don’t regret
the stolen attention i snatch sometimes
me.... the rebel without a clue....
the unoriginal stranger!

       

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the heart is a canyon...

       

i know not why memories are termed as bittersweet
for those tears are always saline
i dig deep down my home made mines
where residues in the love-silo are seldom found...

my calcium deficient boundaries try hard to hold 'em
scalped skin dragged against the wind moves me towards 'em
the feather in my hand is too small to change the course
of the river inside the canyon with all my liquid dreams

       

n’ the heart never wants to stop....

does the iron really behave like the iron from the start.... or it shapes up moments later? maybe it’s only the first few blows that it feels.... n’ only then it starts acceptin’ that he might strike but it doesn’t get struck anymore for it’s the iron now.

is there an artist who’s still alive who managed to sketch a perfectly imperfect portrait? where everythin’ is not meant to be the way it should have been...... the lines..the shades..... the curves.... the continuity... everythin’. but will it be still considered as a masterpiece as perfection was still achieved in the other way?

       

.....those were only the first few bullets that made me fall when i lost my balance.... those were only the first few bullets that i could have counted which managed to pierce my body..... those were only the first few bullets the sound of which deafened my ears as i rolled down...... those were only the first few bullets which made me go down as i saw the dust in the wind enterin’ my ears.... my mouth... n’ my eyes.... those were only the first few bullets when i felt my mind saw n’ heard what it was there to be seen n’ heard.... n’ after that .... none of those other bullets could hardly make any difference at all....... i didn’t hear any sound of those blastin’ bullets but only my last hearbeats that were still beggin’ for some more life.... my eyes only saw those last moments of happiness i had..... my ears only heard those echoin’ laughters n’ mysterious footsteps around that spiral staircase......... even though those other bullets pierced every remainin’ inch..... it could only remind me the touch of a long lost lover on my naked body..... n’ those other bullets could only provide the finishin’ touches to transform my body into a perfect corpse...

       

p.s. my doubts always amused me a lot...... n’ when i thought about the human heart..... it surely did the most.... for how can it be so hopeful that it still tends to beat for a while even after the brain is dead! ....or was it built with not much of a sensibility involved in the manufacturin’ process!!!

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n' never completed...

       

beyond this edge with the “end of me”....... let the page roll along.... over to the beyond; random it may seem but not unrelated. photographs stiched together but still unrecognized......... memories died as soon as life seemed to be longer.

wake up... wake up. new sun just rose....... that brought along permanent eclipse of expressions. paper rings aren’t worn on fingers but they just fly around..... n’ here i wrap my face in lycra...... don’t dump the styrofoam..... you can fill the ozone layer...... n’ all the holes in my shallow heart are blocked with long sharp pins. if the cause of wipin’ is not to let them flow.... then what’s the causality of cryin’ after all?

o newton newton..... why didn’t you make a law? is it the gravity that brings down those thoughts just like the apple?...... n’ i still feed my degradable organic chips. but i’m so disappointed when they don’t rate those pills as miracles.... which still work even long after the expiry date.....