Ho!

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there’s no___where to go
In between the cover of another perfect wonder where it’s so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.

i don't usually do this..... but i guess it's time to either keep havin' sex or move on!

Come to decide that the things that I tried were in my life just to get high on.
When I sit alone, come get a little known but I need more than myself this time.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe that we rely on
when I lay it on, come get to play it on , all my life to sacrifice.

Hey oh...listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh, now listen what I say oh
When will I know that I really can't go to the well once more time to decide on.
When it's killing me, when will I really see, all that I need to look inside.
Come to believe that I better not leave before I get my chance to ride,
When it's killing me, what do I really need, all that I need to look inside.

Hey oh...listen what I say oh
come back and Hey oh lookin’ what I say oh

When to descend to amend for a friend All the channels that have broken down.
Now you bring it up, I’m gonna ring it up
Just to hear you sing it out
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe what we rely on
when I lay it on, come get to play it on all my life to sacrifice

Hey oh...Listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh...listen what I say oh

The more I see, the less I know, the more I like to let it go - hey oh woah woah.

mostly me...

i live in a city where people do not bother to stick their heads out of the windows. n' i do not quite understand how. not even their hands... their elbows. i travel in buses where most people do not stare at the seemingly fast moving streets when the bus is doin' 60. they do not get the feel of travellin' time because they do not look into the road from their windows. instead... they've a radio. i might get one too. i mean soon.

i live in a world where everyone agrees to - "Cancer must be fought"... n' still most of them ignores evolution. i hate dogs n' i mostly mean the pet ones. but i always find some resemblance of me with the stray ones. n' i'm sorry for them too. i love the ozone layer more than the blue skies... n' i rarely count the stars even when i'm mostly sleepless.

i suddenly start thinkin' like a person who is still readin' a book n' who has got just a few more days to live. n' i think... he mostly reads while arguin' with himself - "should i continue readin'?"... n' takes a scary breath when he turns one more page... not sure if he'll turn the next one.

i always switch off the lights when i want to cry. i couldn't yesterday though.... for i felt someone stole my tears. i regret losin' them too.

i'm mostly weird because everyone can't be wrong. n' this angst is mainly because everyone is not. there's frequent lapse of sanity in me... n' i encounter clarity breakdown often.

most people ignore me when i'm sad. there're still a few who confuses my sorrows with a joke. all my truths sound like fiction... n' my lies should have been real-er.

i dream about candlewick n' a hardwood floor. i think a lot about sex n' get turned on by women in red lingerie. i look for desktop friends n' i still believe inboxes should reveal your life. i fancy fog in spring time n' i've got memory ulcers too.

things i shall regret forever...

#1024 > expectin'. the worst part. from all the people who're tragically cold to me. i still do it.

#1025 > i always seem to fall for women who have razor sharp cheek bones... which cuts right through the sweetest part of my bones. n' i die much before hearin' the sound of my heart break.

#1026 > i'm left with no more secrets. the worst part. all the wrong people know them. i mostly live a life full of darkness now... just to earn a few new secrets to replenish the old ones.

#1027 > can't keep all my promises. the worst part. i break the ones which are made in my favor. like the ones of hatin' someone... maybe i break it every night just when i break myself.

#1028 > i think about things which makes me sadder. i dream about things... n' they just make me older... n' then.. i miss everybody every now n' then. mostly i live my life in a way as if i had long lost its manual.... n' hit n' trial most often makes me press the panic button when i reach for the switch of my bedroom lamp.

somethin' like this?

fourth door
monty hall
goats nowhere
is anyone around?

thoughts
hymns
beliefs
overdues

long sentences
always and never's
pushers and bullies
get out of my way

forever love
fast food sex
infinity's formula
compatible vocabulary

faithful orgies
colorful dust
memory hangovers
guilty nerve endings

soulful phone sex
styrofoam smiles
sharp cheekbones
skin deep cuts.


It's been seven hours and fifteen days
since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
since you took your love away
since you've been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whoever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant-but nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues,

'cause nothing compares
nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
like a bird without a song
nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
tell me baby, oh where did I go wrong?
I could put my arms around every girl I see
but they'd only remind me of you
So I went to the doctor guess what he told me
-guess what he told me
he said boy you better try to have fun
no matter what you do,
but he's a fool

'cause nothing compares
nothing compares to you

You've got a way with words...

it can't be true. oh hell no.

what i wrote...

dear megan,

i’m still tryin’ to make myself believe that you mailed me last week. can somethin’ like this ever could have happened? “yes” - i know... for now that i know.. it has happened... but why-oh-why is it still unbelievable to me!!

if only... last week’s surprises would have been without any ironies. i was carryin’ an eye infection when your mail reached my inbox. but trust me... still my senses were mesmerized with just one eye to witness every firework which were still invisible to the rest of the world.

thank you megan... for i feel kind of renewed. n’ i’m so sure i’m so out of words like never before...... because my lips have forgotten to cry n’ my eyes have forgotten to smile.. n’ all my words are all over the place. n’ i’m even not sure if i regret more for the words lost in me.. or for the words which are still not lost.. because they’re spoilin’ everythin’ by bein’ so gibberish.

Should i dare to think
in an one-eyed dream?
Lives that we unshare
couldn't why we live?
The words you wrote
I told them too.
All your thoughtful ghosts
I live them most.
Unqualified heartbeats
Can’t ask for charm
I drown myself often
in the castles of your arms.
Privacy of my schedule
makes me a mystery.
And my eyes become larger
when there's no light to help me see.
Could we never walk
by the frozen lake of time?
my heart starts forgetting
when I see our finger tips touching.
Should I dare to think
in an one-eyed dream?
Lives that we unshare
Couldn’t why we live?

speechlessly yours,
....



what megan wrote: (Mail 1)

You're welcome! You've got a way with words...

M.


i'm welcome? really? oh my godddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.

You've got a way with words...
i do?.. yes yes.. i do **nods his head** i've got infact so many ways.. this way.. that way... full of ways. this is not real right? someone is playin' with me.. that M. can't be megan.. or can it be?

n' i can't be smilin' like this when there's no apparent reason for the whole world to understand.

what megan wrote: (Mail 2)

Oh. Have you ever heard the proverb this proverb?
"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed is king."

Have you ever heard the proverb
..actually no. but how does it matter? because it sounds ssssoooo beautiful when you say it. oh-how-i-wish to hear every english proverb from you....

"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed is king."
..king .. king. that's me. yeah. the one-eyed king. sounds weird though. but still feel so good about it.

so.. "you've got a way with words..." means i write well? am i readin' between the lines too much? i mean M E G A N Mc C A F F E R T Y is sayin' i write well? oh-my-god.

p.s. is there by any chance the shania twain song came to her mind?? oh just bein' curious..

You've got a way with words
You get me smiling even when it hurts
There's no way to measure what your love is worth
I can't believe the way you get through to me

amen!

how many times will i say all the right things... to all the wrong people in this world? before i finally stop to speak.... n' the answer is nowhere.... blowin' in the wind. the answer ain't blowin' in the wind!

wish i could have taken back all the words which i've spoken n' written. all of them. i wish i could stop this word business altogether... i wish i could keep myself shut. i wish i haven't spoken a single word yet.

but you can't hear the whistle when the wind starts to cry....

still keep the mirrors
full of dust
try to see your face
and there is no chance
will you see them grow
when there is no light
but the flowers have chosen
to bloom in the dark.
hidden myself
in a room full of lies
drown myself in laughter
and the tears have dried.
try to count the stars
behind the clouds
but you can't hear the whistle
when the wind starts to cry....

promises i can't keep
but they keep me busy
memories i can't fade
and they make me weary
the dreams of kissing
the bars of rhyme
went to the sewage
of frozen waste of time
now the shadows run tall
and the shadows run wide
who plays for keeps
don't play for points
still dare to keep
the kings in the back row
keep myself warm
and i taste the snow
but you can't hear the whistle
when the wind starts to cry....

cold turkeys...

you don't see a real reason in runnin' when no one at all is chasin' you. not even willin' to. but some people do. n' then... when you get the reason... you feel what's the point when they'll catch you anyhow. crazy n' lazy will always rhyme n' that can't be a coincidence.

they say this friday would be succeeded by a saturday... n' you say.. "if you say so". sometimes headaches are the only signs of your survival.. n' even when you walk.. the motion seems to be false... when you're more concerned to hold your head... as you're partially worried that it might fall down.. n' partially checkin' if it's still there. n' no matter how much the cab driver charge you... you know you're still there in the same place. but he won't agree.

you write the 4th sms of the month. make that 5th. not that you've a count of everythin'. but you know it because it was an one-way sms. you think maybe November is a month of unrequitted sms's. or is it just a reflection of your entire life... which is mostly based on acronyms written in an sms. dependin' on how people would interpret them... n' not what you really want to mean.

n' no. jessica didn't love marcus coz he did somethin' totally marcusly... which is not reproduceable or bettered. but she did ...coz she just chose him to love. so it was a matter of choice rather than anythin' else. n' it's funny in a way. i took the decision that i'm not gonna write her a second mail... when i only came up with almost a good reason just now. i'm stickin' to it anyway... so doesn't really matter a lot.

should it be that way?

the scorpion is growin' in strength. your eyes are losin' focus. the potential woman of your dreams smiles at you. n' you? you've a bottle of some lousy eye drops... hopelessly aimin' at your left eye.... you miss more than you hit. you start thinkin'... the pain revealed from your infected left eye is almost comparable if not more.. than your last broken relationship. n' the effort required to put those big huge drops into your tiny little eyes... that for some unknown a.k.a. weird reasons... do not want to open up... is as hard as impressin' a woman... specially if she fits for the ever vacant post of the mystery-woman.... woman-of-your-eternal-dreams... woman-of-all-women... woman - who - makes - you - think - of - runnin' - beneath - the - trees - till - you - suck - up - all - the - oxygen... woman - who - makes - you - fantasize - about - her - sexually - ofcourse - even - when - your - one - eye - is - completely - useless. when you just can't ignore the other thoughts inside your head although you desperately want to think romantically atleast.. if not act like that.... but those thoughts couldn't help you think in any other way but this.

thoughts like your past track record.... seems like to be a disaster. when you've failed miserably when it comes to women. women-of-everyday-life-of-sorts... women-walkin'-down-the-streets-of-sorts.... women-sittin'-in-a-broad-day-coffee-shop-of-sorts... women-of-a-complete-set-of-identifiable-pairs-of-chromosomes which you're so sure one day would be available in the market. n' how could you even think.... infact even think of thinkin' romantically about M E G A N Mc C A F F E R T Y... the big woman... the celebrity woman... the mystery-woman.... woman-of-your-eternal-dreams... woman-of-all-women... woman - who - makes - you - think - of - runnin' - beneath - the - trees - till - you - suck - up - all - the - oxygen... woman - who - makes - you - fantasize - about - her - sexually - ofcourse - even - when - your - one - eye - is - completely - useless. woman-totally-NOT-of-everyday-life-of-sorts... woman-totally-NOT-walkin'-down-the-streets-of-sorts.... woman-totally-NOT-sittin'-in-a-broad-day-coffee-shop-of-sorts... woman-of-a-complete-set-of-UNidentifiable-pairs-of-chromosomes which science can never reproduce no matter how advance it goes.

you pour some more drops to your eyes... tryin' more to tranquilize your sexual psyche than your infected eye for few more moments. by now your eyes are bleedin' with a very high salt content... n' you thinkin' it's just a reflection of your own life which is leakin' faster than your likin'. people passin' you by... thinkin' you to be cryin'... gives you a you-broke-up-again look of sorts. you don't like it.

you recall the last 24 hours. was the mail a little too casual? it didn't express you totally.... or it did in a very vanilla way. which don't make you feel any better. you think you could have hyper expressed yourelf. just to create the world's faintest of a chance of all chances... maybe initiatin' a pseudo-chemical-forecast-of-a-false-effervescence in Megan's pancreatic glands... forget about the major organs like her heart (her heart? oh-my-god). you couldn't have possibly thought of ever gettin' a reply... n' casualty takin' over the mail... subsidin' all your century old clandestine desires n' passions.. which if were not utterly useless n' disastrous... could have the ability of makin' even the Cleopatra moan. but you regret more for what you could have written than what you had.

n' now the chance has been lost. a chance that never looked like a chance. a chance no matter in how low an ebb it was... but still one. the words have already been written. the words have already been read. words which were totally harmless much to your likin'. words you could have played with a little more... words that could have strummed her elementary-hair-like-particles-in-one-of-her-toes maybe. words which could have initiated a simple ripple... turnin' into demandin' eddies... n' further into the starvin' whirlpool... with an epicentre where both you n' Megan could have lied naked in each other's arms like some vintage erotic paintin' by Picasso.

but the time is lost just as you're. n' you begin to think... this might be your perfect time to lose all your hopes... because by now you very well know... how Megan will go on livin' her life to its fullest completely unaffected... without any regrets n' without any knowledge that you'd ever written all this for her.

should i dare to think
in an one-eyed dream?
lives that we unshare
couldn't why we live?
the words you wrote
i told them too
all your thoughtful ghosts
i live them most.
unqualified heartbeats
can't ask for charm
i drown myself often
in the castles of your arms.
privacy of my schedule
makes me a mystery
n' my eyes become larger
when there's no light to help me see.
could we never walk?
by the frozen lake of time.
my heart starts forgettin'
when i see our finger tips touchin'.
should i dare to think
in an one-eyed dream?
lives that we unshare
couldn't why we live?

what you wrote:

Subject: will you ever read this yet-another-one-of-those-out-of-many-fan-mails?

dear megan,

i can’t believe i’m actually writin’ to you... n’ i’ve to regret this at the start of this mail.. no matter how much i try.. i can’t make this mail any different from a thousands you receive everyday.... n’ if you’re ever gonna read it.. i’m sure you might be tellin’ a why-at-all-need-to-make-it-different?... but i must assure you.. even if i’ll suck in the end... i’ll keep on tryin’ forever.

i was finishin’ the final pages of “second helpings” n’ was goin’ through jessica’s speech... n’ i was like so-oh-my-god... i had said those exact same lines to my mom in jan 2006. i felt so struck that a person like me already existed.. n’ it was jessica.

n’ oh by the way... i live in india.. n’ though i didn’t have no regrets for it ever... but i’m definitely havin’ second thoughts of sorts. i’ve finished readin’ both “sloppy firsts” n’ “second helpings”... but could no way manage to get “charmed thirds”... which means i’ll have to wait this wait till next year. sad isn’t it? i know.

n’ by the way.. how does jessica look like? i mean that won’t change the gravity she already has. but just wonderin’.

fanatically yours,
...

p.s. oh by the way.. you’re really very cute!

what Megan wrote:

Yes, I really do read all my email! I am so flattered to hear that you
could relate so well to Jessica, though I'm sure that such
identification comes with no small measure of angst.

As for Charmed Thirds, have you tried ordering it online via amazon.com
or bn.com?

To answer your question: Jessica has a thin runner's build, with medium
length brown hair that she doesn't bother to style into anything more
complicated than a ponytail. I think she's probably more attractive than
she thinks she is, but not a stunning beauty like Bridget. (And thanks
for the compliment, by the way!)

Thanks for writing! I must get back to work on book number four...

Best,
Megan