and so the resurrection begins!!

now i feel that its beginnin...........not because i've learnt quite a few lessons to form my final package of experiences.....but i guess......i've unlearnt all what i've learnt......n' thats the only reason i believe its startin to happen....for it took quite an effort to unlearn all those experiences.......where i've got nothin or anything....... but only void........void not before a rush........but void after it!......n' i feel hesitant not... to say that i'm different.....not because someone else told me this......but i feel i'm different because i can very distinctly distinguish myself from most of them........for i know how they must have felt all the loneliness n' pain before they finally had to scream......not like most of them who can only tell the screamers to shut up......for i know to see all the tears n' agony behind all those efforts to laugh n' make others laugh.........behind every said word........there's a lot more chemistry that goes on...... which somehow always remains unsaid.......behind every ugly face......there's a much beautiful heart......n' yes it's not at all necessary that every beautiful face has no scars at all in their hearts.......n' that there's a great satisfaction even in losin somethin or someone....which is far better than a million victories!.....that it is not all necessary that every wound gives you pain.....but sometimes you can really have some great pleasure in those pains.....for you never felt something so close before but the pain......that its not important that you love yourself because everyone does that.....but you do so for someone else loves you.......its more important that you forgive yourself first than to forgive others.......for its the most difficult task to live when you don't forgive yourself.......that you make sure that you don't waste much of your time to wipe the tears that actually flow.......for in doin so....you'll lose the time which you can use to wipe those tears that are not actually comin!........that you can really achieve more than happiness in the effort to makin someone else happy rather than tryin to make yourself happy for it won't last long!........that there's a lot of sense in being crazy.....you might be all alone in some one way track.....but you can't still really deny the joy that you're still riding the road n' movin on.....and that its more important just to know that there exist reasons behind everythin.......than to actually know what those reasons are!

Every time that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay

I know nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life's in books' written pages
Lived and learned from fools and from sages
You know it's true
All these things come back to you

Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away

Dream on, dream on, dream on
Dream until your dreams come true                        -----------Aerosmith

Few unlearned lessons!!

they say life is a great teacher.....you seem to learn so much from it.....they say you keep on learnin it n' there's no end to it...but in my case....i guess...there're too many lessons that i've unlearned.....the lessons that i've learnt yesterday seems to be hittin me hard today....n' tomorrow for me is as far as heaven.......its so strange when i think that all my wants n' my desires seem to be reversin in direction......i still remember.....in those younger days of mine.....maybe in the back of my mind.....i always had a want that there should be some person who'd love me more than anyone else.....who'd really understand every shade within me.....who'd not only laugh with me....but also cry with me.......with whom i don't needa say anythin to share but somehow that person understands everythin without any need to communicate.....some person who'd care for me so much that i don't have to care for myself anymore.....yeah that was what i thought n' i wanted that to happen with myself.....maybe it wasn't a direct straight forward wait.....but in some corner of my heart.....that wait was always there.....till very recently........but no more.....no more i've that wait.....for maybe i've realized somethin really very special......that it doesn't matter at all if someone else love you or not......but how much YOU can love someone else......to what extent...........n' always wantin to extend that extent.......its not important at all if someone else understands every shade of yourself....but how much you can understand someone else......so much so that even if you know quite so many things about that person.....like no one else.....you always seek to know some more of that person so that you're sure that you understand every bit of that person......its not about someone else laughin with you......but you makin sure that the person always has a smile when you're with that person......makin sure that you've made every effort to bring one smile in that face....no matter if that brings a century full of tears in your eyes.......its not about how that person communicates with you.....its how you enter that zone with that person when you no longer have to touch to feel that person.....but everythin happens with every essence of spontanity.......it doesn't matter how much someone else can care for you....but how much you can care for someone else that you're almost taken for granted!

yeah i know.....its tough.....but it becomes so easy when you find such a person....that you don't even have to make an effort to do all those stuffs......but havin said all these stuffs......its easier for such an application....but execution is never so easy......for in my world....its not one person that you're livin a life of.......there're so many of them within "me".......n' every "me" happens to carry a different responsibility.......n' sometimes to balance a few equations.....a lot of equations get unbalanced.....n' irony to it is.....that those unbalanced equations deal with the one "me" that gets dumped way down inside me who somehow never got a chance to express!....i'm allowed to feel anythin for anyone.....its just that i'm not allowed to express anythin......i wish one day....i could burst out every tear n' unfulfilled dream that lies burried within me......but i know that day would never come!....never.........

Life's Symphony!

well i've always being questionin this to myself.....about faith n' belief....well maybe someone always does that at some point of time in life...maybe because life is showin them a bit too much....n' that they've too much time with themselves.....whatever might be the reason....the important fact to be thought about is that.... there is a "reason"......i once had a serious fight with Him....tryin to convince myself that there can't be any supreme force actin upon me when everythin is just a perfect shit case.....but now, when i feel i've grown a bit older....not because of the scars that somehow got imprinted on my soul.....but maybe because i'm startin to feel those scars more often these days than yesterday.....i guess thats a sign of oldness....i'm sure it is!...n' with this gift of oldness.....i somehow have the vision now.....that if somethings are so perfectly messed up like a perfectly co-ordinated symphony.....its gotta be controlled by some Force!

well i was never very sure about "The Origin"....."The Big Bang".....or "The Divine Plan".....until recently....when my entire set of reasonin or logic or whatever was completely repartitioned....i always have this notion of noticin stuffs....i do it all the time as if i feel proud when i notice stuffs that others don't....but i failed to notice what meanin n' side effects one single word can cast----"Accidents".....but i gotta admit that these accidents are better co-ordinated that an orchestra in some symphony....i wonder how a series of highly uncorrelated happenings gel up together n' form something so firm.....so everlastin....like some uncorrosive memory!

even now when i close my eyes.....i still get confused...."Did that really happen?"..."or i just had a dream".....but i can't allow myself to think too much on the existence of the incident or accident or whatever....but i need to decide quickly whether this pain that i'm livin in now is a bitter one or a sweeter one....for when i think about it....i feel like a wound openin....but those were the only memorable moments in my recent past that i can look back.

but how all these things started....i still couldn't figure it out....whether all those things started from the time i was born or it was all planned later....but all those perfectly seemingly unrelated incidents look so magically connected.....lemme look back....my leavin from the hostel....my witheld results.....my decision for an MTech.....those lonely nights that actually did the damage i didn't even realize....Abhishek's ongoin hunt for a job.....his decision for joinin a course......his return to his home just before my exams.....Strangers' Inc.....Gate 2005.....my mom's sudden illness n' sudden recovery.....my visit.....that rendezvous.....those sessions.....the tensions creepin in my family.....that relief that i used to get when i talked over the phone....those mails....those appreciations......that "chemistry"......too many cancelled schedules for my bangalore trip.....that longest night......that confusion.....those tears.....that bird song with four syllables that it sang that whole night!.....how can that be a fuckin accident.....there has to be somethin more to it!

these series of accidents have rebuilt the entire construct of my belief.....i firmly believe now that everything's that happenin is happenin for some reason.....n' if any reason is behind somethin......that can't be too bad!!.....i've always tried to guide myself through reason.....i've always taken refuge in logic....but now i guess its not reason that guided me......i was only a small part of this bigger complex symphony that we call "Life"......which guided me then.......n' is still guidin me now!

"We believe what we see........but its beyond what is apparent" ---------- Anonymous

I look to the stars wondering what's in store.
I look through eyes of childish wonder.
I know so much, yet I know so little.
Flames bloom, and winds caress.
Nature's beauty lives and breathes anew.
The heart leads true, but the mind questions it's path.
The quiet insight of silence abounds.
The cacophony of life holds music within it's embrace.
Days, months, decades go by, unbeknownst to the masses.
They fret and they whine, never stopping to listen and ponder.
A spark flies as two people interact.
The pair thinks, watches, listens.
Their hearts sing, and their minds compose.
A wrench is thrown into the works slowing the machine down.
A brief moment everyone stops and listens, an inkling of a smile.
The flow of the river changes course.
The fish swim the river anew. -------------Rev Vlad