redefinin a few...

senses tell me to cry when i feel the pain...the same ones tell me to laugh out aloud...when i feel the joy. but along the way...sometimes...i feel what if the senses are actually betrayin me...maybe i'm not meant to react the way they tell me...but definitely...down the line...i feel those definitions which instruct those senses got redefined.....i won't say i'd a part to contribute in that reform.....but perhaps the situations had...like always...i'm not sure.

but now....i only can see these consequences....n' i feel i know somethin...

i once wished for the times when i shall be loved...when people confess they love me.....i longed for the moments....n' those moments actually came...maybe they did!...n' when they did...the sense of joy actually reflected in these eyes....those heart beats tended to increase when i felt there were processes goin on ...in those boundaries of the other side....when i felt someone was just about to love me...i felt special in those times.

but now....when i feel people around n' not around me...who don't love me....anymore or no more or never.......i actually feel the same way.....not like the yester years when somethin like this used to hurt me a lot......but when i can now feel that someone is beginnin to dislike or hate me.....i still feel happy......maybe i feel i deserve it perfectly.....n' now when i see or hear those expressions or tones change durin conversations....claimin in every moment.......i'm not the one anybody wants......i still feel the same......

probably that's actually the honesty which speaks the least...but says the most...for it strikes.....both sweetly n' bitterly.....for i feel i can relate in the same way....both the expression....."i love you" once....."i hate you" now.

i guess probably down the lines...these definitions really got redefined......but still......i'm alive!

Yeh hai meri kahaani,

khamosh zindagani

Sannata kahe raha hai,

kyun zulm sahe raha hai

Ek dastaan purani,

tanhayee ki zubani

Har zakhm khil raha hai,

kuch mujhse kahe raha hai

Chubhte kaante yadon ke

daman se chunta hoon

Girti deewaron ke

aanchal main zinda hoon

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these connections....

we used to use this word a lot...do you remember?...probably more when we drifted apart.....we used it when we were together....but only didn't pronounce it...n' then suddenly when those pronounciations came up....we lost directions!.... n' strange are these connections...i mean how do they actually connect?...i find no answer.

but still...they exist...probably even stronger...n' now when we talk....we somehow don't end up talkin about our lives...probably you meet 20 people a day...discussin 50 topics.......sharin a joke with 27 drifters!...i don't even know which side you take while you're walkin in those streets that we believed belonged to us.....i actually can't figure out how the light of that tube light would cast those newly formed shadows now...for there was no tube light then!

n' the same thing holds true for you to me as well!...alright...i don't end up meetin 20 people...i don't discuss 50 topics...sharin jokes...nah!...it's been a while i guess!....n' trust me....even i don't know which side i take while i walk...but i do!...just as i've a life...which is somehow unknown to you...but we still connect.......n' the strange part that really strikes me....we feel so much involved with each other's lives...that we don't quite feel as outsiders...but still...the definitions hold if you want it to read it out.....i don't feel for a single moment...that i don't know anythin about you...but the truth is....i virtually know nothin about you...you as in your life.....but i don't feel it...n' i guess you probably feel the same...don't you?

n' then there're few...i can't quite connect....even when i want...n' i don't even know why i want...when there's an effort bein laid down....to mention those 20...50..n' 27!!..but still..that doesn't really help...where it should have been...but the failed effort of the connection is probably not botherin me...huh-huh!!...somethin that's actually botherin me is...why am i feelin this strange kind of hollowness for this failure?....i've got no clue......for this is somethin true...for this failure is not somethin i want to keep aside....just like that.

The past is so familiar
But that's why you couldn't stay
Too many ghosts, too many haunted dreams
Beside you were built to find your own way...
But after all these years, I thought we'd still hold on
But when I reach for you and search your eyes
I see you've already gone...

That's OK
I'll be fine
I've got myself, I'll heal in time
But when you leave just remember what we had...

There's more to life than just you
I may cry but I'll make it through
And I know that the sun will shine again
Though I may think of you now and then...

Can't do a thing with ashes
But throw them to the wind...
Though this heart may be in pieces now
You know I'll build it up again and
I'll come back stronger than I ever did before
Just don't turn around when you walk out that door...

That's OK
I'll be fine
I've got myself, I'll heal in time...but when you leave just remember what we had...

There's more to life than just you
I may cry but I'll make it through
And I know that the sun will shine again
Though I may think of you now and then...

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Stay Away...'cause I'm Officially Pissed Off Right Now!

i don't know what i'm gonna do now??..You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side ....there ain't a God damned thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because i'm pissed off!!

Two words. p-i-s-s-e-d o-f-f, okay?! Russia, Germany, Romania - you can have all the Democracy you want. you can have a big democracy cake-walk right through the middle of Tiananmen square and it won't make a lick of difference because i'm pissed off, okay?! John Wayne's not dead - he's frozen. And as soon as i find the cure for cancer i'm gonna throw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off as well!!. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiply that by 15-million times, that's how pissed off i'm right now!!. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes...and Lee Marvin and Sam Pekinpah And a case of Whiskey and drive down to Texas.............................
....................................................................................
...........................................

p.s. i don't know why....murphy's law has to hold true in every case that centers around me!!!...when the hell will it hold true on itself??....damn it!!!

here i raise all the goodness within me....call all those lost angels that somehow mistook me as someone else n' who maybe are still flyin around me....let all those diabolic thought processes obliterate for a while maybe....n' pray with...n' only with my noble soul in full command n' authority......let murphy's law work recursively on murphy's law...n' somehow render it inactive...even a temporary disorder would be considered as a divine syndrome!...let it work to get it down!!

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the choice theory is yet to be axiomatized!

..."I'm learning that if I just go on accepting the framework for life that others have given me, if I fail to make my own choices, the reason for my life will be missing. I'll be unable to recognize that I've the power to change.

....I refuse to spend my life regretting the things I failed to do.."

---- Liv Ullmann, in Choices.

the phone bell rang...n' i'd to interrupt my dinner...which was anyway a forced one.....i only chose to have it....finishin it was never taken into consideration!.....a friendly voice.....few years ago...even more friendlier n' familiar....but these years wash away more than these rains do....for it does!....n' his voice n' this random conversation that was inhibitedly headin for some direction made me realize somethin....that probably i was thinkin about him for these last couple of days.......some thought process that don't belong to the sittin on your arm chair ....body rockin synchronously with your mind language....each breath acceptin or rejectin a new corollary...huh-huh!.....but belong to that genre that trespass your mind in a quick movement....you realize that somethin you just thought...but couldn't quite recall when you did it......for that must have been with me when i thought about him...not quite like a deja vu....but somethin like it!

for i wasn't able to correlate his recent achievement with his energy level....i'm not bein judgemental....not even cynnical....but a bit worried.....worried more of the situation.....if delayed success takes it all away....but even that wasn't the real issue of my concern......for i saw somethin else....when i tried to look behind...beneath......things around...

we all make some choices....we go on doin it since we're born....who knows.....perhaps we make a choice even before that!...we choose whom to love more.....dad or mom.....we choose what drink we like to have.....n' it doesn't matter what we've in the end...for that frown or smile tells the artist what picture he has to draw.....sometimes we choose to cry on a monday mornin before the school opens after saturday n' sunday holidays.....we choose to do a homework...or skip it...no matter if we stand on one leg after the class for that.......we choose to say a yes or a no to someone....we choose to laugh...we choose to cry....we choose to live...n' sometimes...we choose to die.

but the big question....what leads us to 'em...i mean the choices...reason?...umm!....not always...some choices are so instinctive..not even instinctive sometimes.....we can only say we just make 'em.......i've made a few like 'em....n' when i look back now...n' ask one simple question..."why?"....i find perfect silence...definin vacuum!

then if not reason ...what.....some rush of blood flow...some neural activity in the central part of the brain.....what....but each of the choices we make carry serious consequences.....n' ironically...we only see a part of 'em when we're about to make those choices.....at this moment..i can quite effortlessly comment on few of the choices that i made once...."they're wrong"...but only because i know the conclusion now....n' maybe the conclusion is makin the picture an incorrect one...not the choices.

but the saddest part....we spend most of our lives in seekin consolation n' regrettin over the choices we made n' the choices we didn't make....sometimes i feel we become too harsh on 'em....even the wind is not biased...for it flows in the same way over the scented flowers....n' the dead man's ashes......but all our regrets are always so biased...so judgemental.

the choice still demands a statement!...a formulation maybe....as to why you make 'em...n' why you regret after that?...why no one ever taught us to make choices for everyone insisted their ways on us...which we never liked...but still we hold our degrees in makin 'em!......are choices only half chances?....who actually decides the reason that justifies these choices?

p.s. "everytime i talk to you...you unexpectedly say the right words!"

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i'm not depressed...

oh no i'm not depressed....probably it's not even sadness...but fear..of origin obscure....somethin that can only be felt..neither be seen nor heard...when you feel like someone just touched you from behind...n' when you turn back in some hurried movement...as if that sign of termination of a prolong wait...when the heart beats that extra beat...makin you confused....is that fear or excitement...to turn back n' see someone you really want to...but....

fear that you encounter when you cross some busy highway in some mid day rush hour...when you look for the fast movin cars...n' just when you see a child..a girl...with long hair...playful laughter...that reminds you of someone you don't know...her discrete footsteps takes her away from you....n' a sudden fear strikes you amidst those loud horns that you're not gonna see her again...

fear of losin somethin...even when you're more or less sure that you've not yet found anythin.....fear of somethin might not work...even when you're more or less sure that nothin have started though!....fear that few sentences might get end.."just like that"...without even reachin the predicate...fear of discontinuity...fear of realizin that somethings are difficult than the rest....fear of bein there...fear of holdin somethin so hard as you could...fear of slippin in the ice when it's yet to be broken...

fear that the colors might fade away from those walls...fear of seein that outline when you remove a very old picture frame that kept hangin for long years....fear of gainin all the common sense....but losin all the times to use it...fear of those rains cause the roof's got a hole in it...n' all my dreams are gettin soaked....

There are few things sadder in this life.... than watching someone walk away ....after they've left you.... watching the distance between your bodies expand.... until there's nothing... but empty space and silence.

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do you feel hungry when you're gainin back your senses?

is that true?...i mean whenever i'm very nervous....out of my senses..probably depressed...or even angry....i lose my hunger...i don't find it anywhere close.......n' when i find my senses retracin me...maybe for reasons...i feel hungry...for by that time...i generally end up missin atleast two of my meals......

but what's happenin right now??...for i feel hungry...i'm feelin right now.....but still i thought my depression is yet to fade away...is my depression fadin....but still the hangover is givin me this effect?...but whatever......i feel hungry..n' that's a good sign.......i'm sure it is!

the difference between 0056 n' 0057!

moments matter...atleast it does to me...for changes happen ........they do!

i don't know why...but i was almost feelin it...probably that's why end of innocence kept on playin...i thought it played for it didn't want to stop...but i guess it had got other reasons....the bad ones!....n' right now i'm pretendin...i'm talkin with this guy with a big smile...n' my words....they're not.

a guy has to go around 30 kms for 8k per month...when he knows he won't be stickin to it for he has got other deadlines to meet.....that's it....after so much of a long dog struggle....i thought my thoughts would have been more intense ...had it been the days it used to be......he was my good friend...till i lost him...or he lost me...but somethin that i'm quite sure of....we both lost each other...even though we're havin this cup of tea like we did so many times....probably you formulate infinity if you figure out that number........but it didn't work tonight....but thinkin in generality......so much of struggle?...n' what's there in the end...a mighty zero......probably this ain't the end...but i know...it's only gonna be worse...probably not the end..for so many things never end....but the comin days....for the past still captures your present n' dominates your future.

probably the times are still the same....we both once dreamt...probably we still do......but enthusiasm that once reigned inside us...took a long vacation.......somethin that we were informed much later.....or rather should i say...we assumed it?....we were once only a door step away from one another...n' now?

but still the creep show continues....you see but you don't....you hear but you don't.....n' those dreams take a backseat...quietly..when the world comes in between......but still you try to be happy...n' i "was"....i was strangely till 0056...n' 0057 took it all away....i know ...people who don't know me....who can't know me..i shouldn't allow 'em to take it away......but you can't turn your face...for they make your world.....

i wished if fun wasn't so complicated....not wrapped inside thick sheets of ethics...rights n' wrongs.....the livin n' the dead!...i wish it was all so open....like a chocolate fantasy....just go n' pick it up......but you can't...but the strangest part....you still get a glimpse..you wanna take a bite..when you don't get it ...you feel depressed.....but sadness strikes you even more ..when you're havin a healthy bite...n' then ..they make you take it away....

why...why?

Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
When happily ever after fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly
But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by man
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
O' beautiful, for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening
They're beating plowshares into swords
For this tired old man that we elected king
Armchair warriors often fail
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers clean up all details
Since daddy had to lie
But I know a place where we can go
And was away this sin
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair spill all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
Who knows how long this will last
Now we've come so far, so fast
But, somewhere back there in the dust
That same small town in each of us
I need to remember this
So baby give me just one kiss
And let me take a long last look
Before we say good bye
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence

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You Never Know...

On July 20, 1969, commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind", were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark:

"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

....well i read this inside some humour section of some obsolete readin material...but i couldn't quite take it as a plain humour effort.......it made me recall somethin else...though not connected in a staight manner....but why do connections need to be straight huh?...someone once told me this...

"there're a lot of factors that we find influencin our lives....n' based on those certain factors...we somehow end up predictin our lives...maybe unknowingly...maybe in the back of our minds..but someway or the other..we all do....but strangely enough......there're a lot of other factors ...which actually influence our lives in a larger magnitude...n' ironically...we never see those factors!"

we never know what's there for us tomorrow....so if we're hopin for a better one...it's not that bad a deal...huh!

That one last shot's a permanent vacation
And a how high can you fly with broken wings
Life's a journey - not a destination
And i just can't tell just what tomorrow brings

I get confused!

sometimes i get confused....sometimes i get more confused...n' strange enough.....sometimes i get even more confused...

i get confused when people don't understand me...when they don't understand even an iota of me...they see right through me....but strange enough.....i get more confused when they try to understand me...try to decode what my sign says.....try to unveil the hidden.....try to see me.......but i get even more confused....when a few manage to do so.

i get confused at times...when people refuse to talk to me....or they do...but in a way that i feel they don't want to...i get confused in those times..for i feel i don't sound that bad....i get more confused when people start talkin to me.....n' it makes me even more confused when they want to talk but couldn't quite do so...eventually they don't ..but i know not why!

sometimes i get confused because the way i act....for it happens to be way out of way!....i get more confused when i know what i'm doin is strange...but even that knowledge won't make me stop doin it...n' when i end up doin it....i feel more confused.....but somethin that confused me even more...are in those times...when i don't at all act strange...but feel i'm bein too general!

i get confused in these times...i get confused in this sleeplessness....i get confused in the nights......but mostly it's just me who confuses me the most!

n' the strangest part...i still long to be confused!

n' i celebrate...

what happened just now?...did i really speak so much or was i dreamin?......but it worked.....no one's leavin me now....after a long time...somethin is happenin like i want it to be...no one's leavin me now.

yes i was assertive sometime maybe....but couldn't quite remember when i became this fugitive....don't even know from whom i runnin away...or hidin from.....where freedom is so costly...feels like you've to earn it every now n' then....but not quite sure when n' where you're gonna lose it again.....when you pretend to be happy every now n' then...just with this hope that at one point..you couldn't quite differentiate the boundaries between realities n' "un"realities...but just like the freedom of the moment works for a fugitive...happiness in the falsehood starts to work for me as well....n' i guess there's nothin "wrong" in it.

i was fed quite a heavy dose tonight....heavy dose of practicality!...n' i just kept on listenin...for i felt i was fed with raw truth...which is always bitter........"move on with the crowd....do what they're doin...n' once you're sure you're not gonna fall anymore...try n' identify yourself to differentiate yourself from the crowd".....which meant be a convenient fluctuator between your ethics n' profits....choose 'em in a manner so that you earn the latter!...the one i feel bein a cheater is actually being termed as flexibility....n' they're the ones who walk ahead.....people like me don't even come into this big wide picture...forget about leadin or laggin!

n' true...but we all make choices...don't we?...all our lives...we make choices....n' those choices are actually our identities....the rules that we make reflect in those choices......i made a few...they've consequences....the ones that i was already aware of even before i made those choices....n' this was what the choice was...i'd rather lose than to accept the victory by breakin all my rules......i'd rather walk alone in a lonely highway...but will never blindly follow a lost crowd.....i'd rather be called a "rigid" one n' be who i'm.....for still i believe n' i don't know why...it's better to know who you're...than to try n' be someone you want to be...for even if you be what you wanted to be....you're quite not sure who you'll end up with....atleast now..i'm who i'm...not someone else...i may lose now...but i may also win!...i'll keep my faith tonight...n' tomorrow...i can't even see!

I Was Slapped!!

last friday...i was supposed to write a very depressin post....for that's what i "was" filled with....raw depression.......was actually readin the tibetan book of the dead...i somehow managed to get across.....n' guess what....i was slapped!!...that too in the middle of the night...who?....the angel of mercy......actually woke me up...n' slapped me...that too tightly...i mean angels are not supposed to do such stuffs...but things are changin..damn!....n' she told me..."you deserve it!"...that too in a strange tone!!!

i was shocked!!!

p.s. ouch!!..that hurt!

In some forgettable rhyme
We crawled across the border line
We kissed the enemy till
I thought we traveled out of time

You couldn't have heard me speak
There was, so it did seem, I say
A fog so heavy that I
Could not tell if it was night or day

Hand over all water
You know that means business
Scum

Under the stone
We find the scum
Under the stars
We find the scum

I thought a beautiful thing
A fire was lit within my mind
On ruby hummingbird wings
Went shivering up and down my spine

The water that quit our thirst
Was not from earthly vineyards mined
And then we drunkenly sailed
The gutter of our invisible shrines

Hand over all water
You know that means business
Scum

Under the stone
We find the scum
Under the stars
We find the scum

what do i do now?

what do i do now?...i don't wanna lose my hopes...but i can't do what i want....i'm once again lost here....even my name is lost from the lost n' found....why people abandon me?....why do they come to me if they've to abandon me?

how long am i gonna pretend with this smilin face?....for as the night grows darker....these smiles sink faster....i'm glad some pains still linger inside of me...atleast i don't feel completely alone....but "almost" alone....but what do i do now?....when i know the directions but i'm completely lost....what do i do now?...when i carry those footsteps with me....but there's no way back.

i love my shadow....yeah i'm sure i do...for it always stays with me...but just for a while i thought about you my shadow...do you like me...or you've started hatin me as well?..for you've to stay with me!...always....i couldn't even say ...."ok go away...it's ok!"...but believe me...i would if i could.

why people more often don't think how they talk?....what they say?....how people can feel what they say or do?....how "i" feel?...they don't...but why so often?......how can they say so much in one simple sentence....when i've always spent so many years without sayin much!

sick of dreamin of a better tomorrow....when i know these "todays" are gonna stay "almost" the same....n' only those "yesterdays" are mine.

p.s. i kept on tryin to be a winner...but then i realized... maybe... failure is my style!

please don't go!!

i wish i had an expression....i wish i could have stopped you....i wish i could have held your hand n' bring you back where you belong....where you rule...but i lost my expressions.....i wish you liked me like you did once....i wish i could yell at you like i used to do once...i wish i could have teased you like i used to do once....but times no longer are those....you don't see me...you don't hear me...you don't know me....you don't feel me....i can't let you to....but i can't even let you go just like that....without even lettin you know that i'm cryin here...but i can't even let you know.

i wish i had an expresson...i wish i could have stopped you....they say unspoken words have the newtons to move mountains....they're comin from deep down my heart....don't leave...stay......i wish i could have let you know that i want you to stay.....but....

please don't go!

i shared a good time with you once
what if you don't know about it
expressions sometimes are lost n' withered
but still they exist..still they persist.

you're makin it an end when you never quite started You
what if i never invited you...but still i've my tea with an empty cup
category VI i named you once
you told me then you liked it much

now you seem you forgot every word
i want you to stop
but i can't let me out...

Please leave me alone!

let this man die alone here please....don't make me change my password...i don't wanna be rude...let go....go away...i don't want anyone around me...i don't want anyone to love me...n' if everyone loves to hate me...be it that way...i don't mind...i won't say anythin....just give me a few dyin moments....stop everythin...i had once taken a decision to vanish....i don't know why i pulled up again.....but no...this is not somethin i want......don't make me say things i don't wanna say...leave me alone...please....stop everyone comin here....i don't want anyone here..no one please.....i don't want anyone here...n' i'm not gonna reply to anyone from now...

p.s. take care!

i'm still keepin my faith...but i don't know why!

yeah...probably i've failed one more time....n' this time ..strangely enough...i don't even know that i did fail...but can only experience the whipin slash of defeat on my naked back...oh!..that hurts...that bleeds....n' that....never heals!

n' one thing...i'm so sure about myself now..that i'm lost...till now....i thought i was headin for my destination....guided not by maps...but by instincts....all my life...i've fought all my wars...mostly on my own..without even carin for the consequences...i only felt like fightin 'em...but no more....i'm goin down this time....

i thought about it a few days back....with a great amount of fear...that probably when the good times will come......i won't be havin anymore energy...perhaps i've reached that stage...

n' this is nothin new that really happened this time...probably i've seen this many a time....n' i'm sure if i've been the same guy in my previous life as well....i would've been seein the very same picture....but this time...i really wanted to win...i did..n' ironically ...i once again have to use my favourite word..."i almost made it...but now quite!".

n' now..i'm really struck....it's so strange infact....i who know about my fate like no one else...still relies on takin risks.....but boy!....haven't you pushed me down this time in the deepest of the holes that you've ever created for me...i don't even know what i'm gonna do now...or rather what one should do now...n' i don't even care to wipe my tears no more....let 'em flow...i just wanna see for how long!

"it's not the end of everythin"...yeah!...probably not...but what do you say to a situation where you're absolutely sure there could be no possible beginnin...i desperately relented on you this time...somehow i brought back all my faith on you this time....why?..just to let you drown every bit of me?

this whole month i've been kept waitin...one wait terminated by the indication of a newer one....why?...just to lemme know that you're not done yet?...i almost felt you this time...probably again...i've to deal with it...n' yeah....probably this too is happenin for a reason... a reason to suffer...that's the only reason available.

i kept this song unheard since the last month..."Beautiful World"...wishin so desperately that i'm gonna listen to it after all this is over...but probably i'm not meant to hear this song.....n' right now....although i'm keepin all my faiths intact...but somethin i can't deny...i've lost all the reasons as to why i'm holdin it...probably a sign of defeat n' submission.

p.s. all i can remember now is ...."i wanted to win...i wanted it!"...all i wanted some shelter from the storm...."but..."

I Need Me...You Need You...We Want Us!

how far are you?
n' why do you take so long...
when i'm so close to believin.
n' it's not for the first time..
but will you listen to me this time when i ask you not to repeat the past.
i never thought i'll kneel before the dreams i want...
but if that's what you want.

don't make me feel like this...
each day they're tearin me apart
all my faith is shakin fast..
i'm scared....god knows i'm.
i'm lookin for directions...watchin fiercely at my watch.

scared to start a new journey..
know the destination? yes i do.
then why haven't you given me the maps.
i've given this time everythin i had..
then why do you want more?

i don't even have false smiles this time...
to counterfeit those real tears..
people say i don't look good when i cry
then why do you find me so good when i do?

after a long time..i've started believin you
don't just take it away in a moment
me too wanna say life's beautiful
why don't you let me huh?...

I am closer to believing
Than I ever was before
On the crest of this elation
Must I crash upon the shore
And with the driftwood of acquaintance
Light the fire to love once more
I am wind blown...i am times.

To be closer to believing
To be just a breath away
On the death of inspiration
I would buy back yesterday
But there's no crueller illusion
There's no sharper coin to pay
As I reach out... it slips away

From the opium of custom
To the ledges of extremes
Don't believe it till you've held it
Life is seldom what it seems
But lay your heart upon the table
And in the shuffling of dreams
Remember who on earth you are

I need me
You need you
We want us

But of course you know I love you
Or what else am I here for
Only you not face to face
But side by side for evermore
And I need to be here with you
For without you what am i
Just another fool out searching
For some heaven in the sky
Take me closer to believing
Take me forward lead me on
Through collision and confusion
While there's life beneath the sun
You are the reason I continue
So near for so long
So close yet so far away

I need me
You need you
We want us to live forever

So don't let the curtain fall
Measure after measure
Of writing on the wall
That burns so brightly
It blinds us all

I need me
You need you
We want us to be together

On sundays in the rain
Closer than forever
Against or with the grain
To ride the storms of love again

So be closer to believing
Though your world is torn apart
For a moment changes all things
And to end is but to start
And if your journey's unrewarded
May your God lift up your heart
You are wind blown
But you are mine...

n' a song....

i feel like singin...i feel like playin...i feel like movin......gettin tired...yes i'm....feelin sleepy....that's true....but don't wanna go to bed...feel like goin on hearin this music.....richard ashcroft..are you singin for this record or singin for me?....you can lie if you want to .......a glance at the tv...can't understand how a fatboy can ever be slim..but it seems he does.....gettin back to writin...n' i guess i've got nothin to write..but all i want is keep on writin.....will my wait be over tomorrow?....what bad can happen if i stay really happy for a day... i mean if a single information can make me so happy....what's wrong in that?...i don't see anythin wrong.......how long will i've to pretend?...i'm gettin weak.....but i show i'm not...i'm shakin....but i stay tall....how long will i've to encourage others when i can't even say "Life's beautiful".....how long this wait gonna be?.....it's becomin unbearable...take me out of this..please...make me smile for a while......just lemme know please....

I spend the night
Yeah looking for my insides in a hotel room
Waiting for you
Were gonna make it tonight
Yeah something in the air tells me the time is right so we better get on

Dj,play a song for the lovers tonight
Please, play a song for the lovers tonight

Don't wanna wait
Lord I've been waiting all my life but I'm too late again
I know but I was scared
Can't you see
I'm moving like a train into some foreign land I ain't
Got a ticket for this ride but I will

Oh, play a song for the lover tonight
Dj, play a song for the lover tonight
Dj, play a song for the lovers tonight
Please play a song for the lovers tonight

Can't stop looking back no no
One more for the lovers
O brother won't you lend a hand I'm alone in a room
And I'm waiting for love
I don't know when this dreams gonna stop
But I'm telling you friend I don't want to get up

n' i don't understand why??

no i don't...i always keep on waitin....sustainin even my last breath...but still i come late..... try my last inch even...to please everyone i know...to please everyone i don't know...still i end up hurtin everyone..... one truth that i've to live for the rest of my life...one truth that i'm livin every breath.....i thought this guilt will be enough to not let me grow any taller....but still i guess...the weight is still to put on......i thought "sorry" is too vulgar a word...n' so i don't use it..once the damage is done......but does it mean i don't feel any pain at all?......no matter how much i keep on hidin....does it mean i have lost the desire to be found?...i don't understand why...or rather should i say what went wrong yet again...

but hey...isn't this the picture i've already drawn.....haven't i seen every image before it actually happened?...yes....probably i deserve it.......yes i do...n' i stand here once again.....the last man out of the circus...has to lock up everythin....n' here i'm....the jester...who follows lenin's doctrines....

i say it's not that i didn't try
i say it's not that i really love to wait
i say i too like to be "un"dry
i say i always almost make it
i say i might have touched you once
i say but it's not anymore.
i told you once the rules
where everythin means nothin
n' nothin means everythin...
i know i didn't tell what manipulative mean.
i thought i didn't have to say everythin...

Void...

lies everywhere..i feel it everywhere....the cuckoo on the branch wasn't singin this mornin....phone charge full...but the ring ain't ringin....every call pounds a twin heart beat... but the numbers that once made me smile couldn't give me anythin...time's void?...no directions miss me....feel like the world is not revolvin....but shootin across the galaxy...what's happenin...i'm not havin no clue...n' what's not happenin...is still unknown to me....the wait is sustainin....peelin down leaves of hopes....i try to lift 'em up...my faith resounds the cacophony...laughter seems like act of mockery....i try to hit the keyboard...with fingers misplaced...the words that come out ...don't really mean a sense...reminds me of those confessions...i'm makin these days....leaves me with an unknown smile...reasons don't talk to me...a work i appointed myself....fired me once again....void is there too....there ain't nobody...but only few prayers....still countin on...numbers fade but moments not....carryin on this hope for tomorrow...see forecasts everyday....lies don't matter ....give me somethin to believe.... i promise i won't doubt you...i won't question you....reasons still don't talk to me...but why don't you?

The Purpose of Darkness...

i say there's purpose in those shades of life
if there's hope in movement
purpose defines
depression in stillness...
i say light reflects in the rivers...removes shadows in the darkness.
but purpose defines those dead stars to create black holes.

reality has a purpose to show you naked.
somethin reminds you...of somethin else that's unknown
i say masks still have purpose even though they're hated
i say hate has its purpose what if it only stings.

the crowd has a purpose...its pace lets you know it
the lost n' found grows in numbers but still it get fills with.
i say in the end there's only one that's left standin...
the highways get lost...the strangers serve the purpose
what you feel that makes you worst..still got its purpose...

i say people condemn the hypocrites..but fakin orgasms holds the purpose
when every debt seems heavy....the whores speak the meaningful
everyone runs for the moonlight...even though it's momentary...
i say come with me in the darkness...it shall last indefinitely!

but i shall always wait...

i don't care if it means absolute madness to everyone else... i don't care if it means nothin to anyone else ... n' i don't even care what you think about it... but i can't stop waitin...

i know not what i wait for...
i know not why i wait for...
but i wait only with one hope...
that if you ever find me again...
i want you to know
...that i was always waitin...

n' i shall wait.
a wait with no hope of any arrivals...
a wait without an end...
a wait without any life...
but a wait just to keep you alive...
a wait without lettin anyone know...
a wait just to hold you real close...
n' i shall wait forever.