n' i threw a dice!

those are only "sometimes" when you feel the dice is actually rollin ..not just like a stone...but like a dice.... when you for a change....get some answers.... for people most often love to give no answer.... as if they pretend they're fanatics of the pink floyd cult...listenin only to "comofortably numb" from the time even before the track was realeased.... but it seems they've taken a brief break from their vacation.

n' it seems my dice suddenly started to roll... n' it even "elucidated" all the prior "elucidations"....that were thought to be ....but needed further "elucidations".... i don't even know who's listenin to this right now... but even if no one is... i'm representin more than one just for a while n' i respond when i say this to myself....

so ladies n' gentlemen.... for all the "i don't know's" for "what the bottom of the heart did to gain preference over the side or the top"... i give you madhatter for all the answers

madhatter says...

       

...and i like what lies there untouched and unquestioned at the bottom of reality..i like what lies inspired and invalid at the foot of everything beautiful....i would like to scrape away the skin and see veins oozing life...i am in an unfashionable love affair with "the bottom"...for it lay there uncomplaining for the length of eternity and has no qualms as yet...it has borne sustenance to the structure that preens above it...and is not shaking at all even now...i believe i even like the "bottom" than the "top" more in the same pensive lucidity as people hate things that are so seemingly "superficial" and love all things that are so seemingly innate"..the bottom has been meted out with such palpable indifference..yea it has been..for no one would ever force one's hand to the bottom of a cookie jar and pick one out..not coz the cookies there are bad but just because it defies common logic as well as sense..and i guess not worth all the pain...and things are actually replaced when the bottom is seen and not when we actually run out of stock...but where would all the cookies in the world go if there was no bottom ever in the cookie jar...wouldn't all the stuff in the world run out through the conatainers they are kept in...funny in a way this picture that i paint..i know...but sensible in its own crude way perhaps...pandora was a wise lady for she knew whoever opened the box would only ever care what lay there to be seen and not to be found out..and so she packed hope at the very bottom of all the illnesses...and so easily did they fly out...and did anyone ever sneek a peek at hope??..i love the bottom when someone loves me from the bottom of the heart..for its the very last vestige of your existence..its the last straw that you hold onto..and when you have given it up you have nothing left to hold onto...its like you have almost emptied out totally..and have nothing left to hold ever again to yourself..and the things would just leak out just like the cookies in the cookie jar...!!..the top and the sides can be so easily replaced..valuable and yet so very replaceable..you can almost buy them in a convenience store near the place you live...for you just take away the layers and see,you have another layer assume life at the surface..just as same..just as congruent to the previous layer's identity..its like as if you never even ever removed the layers at all..!!...and who did ever replace the bottom..who ever did??..and when yo do replace..you don't actually do replace it but just fill the same void with a new life..and it will have a bottom too..just like the very last whiff of air that you will ever breathe out....

       

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....damn!!!!

well i’m not too sure why am i doin it... but anyway still doin it!.... probably some recurrings of my previous life... n’ i don’t really know why i wrote that line but i just wrote it.... triplesix has tagged me....n’ sincerely i don’t know who actually invented this process called taggin.....but i’m not gonna blame him/her for that.... for i’m pretty sure like everythin else....it’s a misutilization by the rest of us!!..... i don’t like bein a victim.... but i don’t like bein rude as well........ so this is how the 8 points gonna be in my dream girl....but honestly triplesix...dreams don’t mean much to an insomniac!!!

1. Never Say Never Attitude : n’ stickin strictly in n’ around this statement n’ tryin to generalize it as far as possible.... she who wants to have sex everytime i want it n’ never say never to it.... even when she’s in her official conference that happens regularly only after 44 thousand years n’ i want to have it...she still don’t say no.

2. Value of Time : she who understands the value of time she who understands the value of my time.... n’ stickin strictly in n’ around this statement n’ tryin to generalize it as far as possible.... this will lead to no foreplay n’ sex only.

3. Different : she who lovingly believes herself to be different in this larger community.... specially in her ways.... like wakin me up in 3:30 in the mornin n’ sayin “i love you n’ i wanna have sex with you”. as long as the last part of the sentence is added... i’ll have no regrets even if i die out of sleeplessness.

4. Liars I Love : she who is a genuinely good liar for i strongly believe there’s nothin so great about this “truth” anyway. so even if she’s seein someone else but still lies to me in the most convincin way that i’m the only man in her life.... i’d love to believe it.

5. Pretenders I Admire : which will mean if she fakes an orgasm just to make me happy.... that won’t crush my male ego an iota but i’ll say.... “what took you so long!!”

6. Hypocrites I Fascinate : she who stands up in the society to get away with this pornography thing n' she who never forgets to reniew the annual subscriptions of the “hustler” n’ “playboy”.... i can’t manage it all.

7. Understandin : she who has no issues whatsoever with the mess that always accompanies me...which will mean she would still not utter a single word when she finds my whole wardrobe empty for all the clothes are lyin in the floor.

8. Most Important : n’ last but not the least....**i used this phrase without real purpose for i only wanted to use it** .... she must be a homosapien n’ must belong to this plannet.

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i'm runnin out of my cell n' i can't find the charger!!

n' those were my skies...

n' those are still my kids!!


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n’ i guess i’ll pray...

people aren’t happy... few are sad..... few believe they could be happier..... forget about me.... frankly that doesn’t matter no more..... maybe i’m bein delusionary .... n’ yes... sometimes that helps..... but i’m switchin subjects.. somethin in which i’m so good at.... but maybe i’m not foldin hands..... but foldin hands perhaps ain’t that important when you’re absolutely sure what you want..... n’ i want ’em to be happy....... i want you to be happy...... i know you don’t like me sayin all this stuff..... n’ maybe i won’t be sayin anythin to you about this...... or maybe i’ll....... i don’t know. it’s strange..but again it’s true..... sometimes i’m even annoyed when you’re not happy......feels like holdin you n’ shakin you very hard..... almost like a threatenin....... “stay happy or i’ll kill you”.... i know that sounds perfectly unfair...... but i never claimed to be a fair person.... n’ you know that as well.

i don’t like when you stay alone..... or for that matter i don’t even like it when you even think of somethin like stayin alone...... you don’t deserve that... “do you get me!!!” n’ for the matter of elaboration..... in the first place...... i don’t even like when your feet did hurt....... n’ i definitely don’t like it when you find yourself alone with a hurt feet...... i don’t like it....... i just don’t.

n’ yeah.... now i’m talkin to the supreme force.....

       

are you listenin?... if not, do it right now!... i just wanna get these things in record that i don’t like it.... for applyin all my knowledge n’ skill... i don’t see much of a purpose in it....... n’ if you’re doin all this to keep a score with me for you know i like ’em so much..... makin some form of indirect offence against me....... i say right now i’m actually willin “not” to like ’em no more..... just make ’em happy as they were... please!!

       

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Almost Meaningful...

30 minutes... got absolutely nothin to do... for i've procrastinated everythin that had to be done!... needed sometime to think.. with no intentions.... just plain thinkin... 30 minutes... 10 thoughts... uninterconnected... unambitious.... n' almost random!

1. Let yourself know who you love.... or else? You’ll never know about it.
2. You were there for me... I was there for you. And we were both long dead.
3. I met your identical twin sister the other day. She was really different.
4. I was so sure of being unsure. And you still thought I was confused?
5. Do not stop yourself from feeling like a loser if you’re. You may lose it as well.
6. My girlfriend left me when I ordered for black coffee. When I asked her why she told me “I’d have left you anyway.”
7. I met a dinosaur on Valentine’s Day. I was a bit disappointed. She turned out to be a she male.
8. I thought I was a bit unlucky when I narrowly missed the award for the best singer. They didn’t include the silent movies.
9. Those holes in the wall were completely meaningless. I looked through them all day but still didn’t see a thing.
10. I like cakes. I think I’ll marry the bakery woman. No her cakes are horrible. I’ll just marry her.

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Oh My God!!!

did i really do that? oh-my-god-!-!-! i did that but i still don’t believe it. nah!.. definitely i’ve done things worse than this one.... but probably this one is in the recent memory list. n’ probably this will go down as my worst possible valentine’s day ever.... now this is a real nothin statement as i don’t have a list of all my previous valentine’s day from which a comparison can be actually made... but on second thoughts... this statement do hold somethin when i mean the day that coincided with valentine’s day .... n’ this one happens to be the worst one among those!!! what have i done?.... what was i thinkin? i’ve asked a girl to completely “ignore” me n’ push me to the bottom of her “priority list”... yeah i remember... that was what i said. oh my god.... i’ve formally asked a girl “not to love me” ... that too in valentine’s day?... damn... i could have chosen a different date atleast. it was only when the girl replied i found out what a fool i had made out of myself!!!

       

you’re definitely the most weird guy!!

       

n’ you know what?... i couldn’t have possibly agreed more!!!!

p.s. will my posts ever have categories?

let me please introduce myself...

       

no i’m not that man with wealth n’ taste!!

       

the things i do... it don’t mean i like doin ‘em ...maybe i don’t have more interestin stuffs to do. n’ i say “thank you” not completely because i’m thankful... but i’m too confused why you told me that.... couldn’t think of anythin better to say. the things i care....... i don’t know why.... things that are happenin right now....... i still don’t know why.

n’ there’re a few liars as well.... who lie... i mean they’ve to... or how else could they be liars..... n’ they do it well..... i guess they’re good liars! n’ you believe ‘em.... n’ you question. can’t there be any plain statements that i can make?.... statements which are no answers to the questions... any questions...... statements which are no proofs of my actions....... statements which are neither explanation nor assurance...... just plain simple sentences.

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...atleast i procrastinate now!

it’s only a matter of time now..... i’ve postponed it for long..... i’m still tryin to postpone it..... but it’s somethin even i’m sure of.... i can’t possibly escape it.... it’s only a matter of time now.

n’ it makes me wonder.... why does the world look so different from the inside of the qualis..... is the windshield that draws the boundary..... makes me wonder why all those dreams take the backseat so cozily.... were they so uncomfortable inside of my brain.... but it’s nice to see you guys sittin right next to me when you’re not with me...

       

I didn't know what the hell to say. If you want to know the truth, I don't know what I think about it. I'm sorry I told so many people about it. About all I know is, I sort of miss everybody I told about. Even old Stradlater and Ackley, for instance. I think I even miss that goddam Maurice. It's funny. Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

       

you’re so true once again Holden.... like always.... i never missed my dreams..... even when they were gone... probably i’m missin ‘em more now...for i’m talkin about it..... you should never talk about it... you start missin it more!

n’ you were right when you said it’s very easy to pity on yourself.... you were even right when you didn’t say i do it at times... n’ at other times..... probably i do it more..... maybe because it’s easy. but fakin a smile ain’t. wakin up in the nights ain’t.... n’ yeah.... sittin in the qualis is definitely an “ain’t”...... so let’s say it that way..... 3 difficult ones to one easy one..... 3-1... fair enough ratio.... don’t i deserve it!!!!

       

n’ i sincerely don’t know where did the ducks go.... for yes... the lake has already frozen. n’ nobody has seen those ducks. probably the ducks have permanently hidden themselves.

       

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For All the Memories that Died...

       

those were tattoos that got wiped out
as i met you in disguise
you were bleached n’ i was colorblind
n’ the wind that once swept us
took only you...
Away.

now i stand here in the night sky
no stars when there’s no clouds
those dreams were even bona fide
but the shutterings were stronger.

i’m not sad though it’s all bad
for it doesn't even matter no more
there’s no lining when there’s no clouds
get goin i’ll stay right here.

for all the memories that died
took all the world outside
n’ after the head explosion
it’s fungus lyin everywhere..

       

Unacceptable

n’ sometimes after all the years you’ve spent... waitin n’ waitin. a wait such a long one which makes you take different lanes... the wrong ones mostly.... you actually get confused..... “what was it that you were waitin for?” things get erased... hands of clocks rescheduled..... you miss out somethin.... n’ you board the wrong plane sometimes.... you land up elsewhere where you can’t even speak for they don’t understand..... n’ then you start livin this wait.... you start puttin a few words within quotes.... while others you don’t quite like.... n’ then you’ve got those pages that keeps on reappearin even when you don’t flip backwards.

it’s such a long relationship between your wait n’ your life.... you no longer feel that it was once that you had waited for that wait to end.... talkin such, you begin with one.... you grow another one in between.... n’ then you end up with your old wait once again.... it’s not even that you don’t want that wait to be terminated.... but it’s just that you start gettin used to it. n’ at this point.... it’s safe enough to say i’m even scared just to imagine how things gonna be like when such a wait finally gets over.

       

few things in life are unacceptable.... a few others are even more. and everybody loves the rest.

       

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The Underdog Story...

it’s always been their way.... n’ maybe it’ll always be.... but that can’t be too bad..... sometimes i wonder who actually invented the word “the average joe”... for if he was an average himself.... he was a pretty neat one..... he invented somethin n’ i guess that’s more than average.... atleast for me.... but if he was not average.... then why he actually wasted some of his time on this invention.... doesn’t do any good to him.


it’s a pretty bittersweet one... i mean this life..... broken bridges.... Rs. 2.64 a minute phone call.... hurried people.... n’ you get a happy endin if you can pay that extra amount.... n’ we forget.... we laugh on the movie directors when a character just wears a wig in the name of a disguised identity n’ nobody recognizes him.... but we do it all the time ourselves.... when things actually keep comin back to us.... again n’ again...with just an expression of some twisted corollary.... n’ we treat it just like a brand new star or somethin..... n’ we forget it once again.... hah!... i don’t know who you’re Mr. Joe.... but probably it’s pretty tough for you .... for people who don’t even know you... still believe that you’re average..... but on second thoughts..... so many people atleast know your name.... that accounts for more than average....

       

....i know you. you know you. and i know you know that i know you.

       

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if everythin else was replaceable...

no i’m not at all disppointed... infact i acknowledge your act n’ also appreciate it.... i mean these are the days of compromises.... n’ everything that’s bein done is actually done in compulsion far from the borders of perfection... for there ain’t no passion in doin it.... how can it be in the perfect way.... but you’re different... you’re way too different.... for you did it so elegantly n’ perfectly..... here’s a round of applause.... infact a standin ovation to you.... if only i knew you.... i could have told you all in first person format.... but like i said.... these’re the days of compromises..... but you still make me wonder.......... i was awake till 5 in the mornin.... yeah it was a pretty long day n’ i went to sleep as soon as my head reached my pillow...... i actually read a few sms’s before goin to sleep......... my room mate was there too...ok he was asleep but he was definitely not dead..... n’ just like a stream of wind..........you came in quietly.... like the perfect ghost.....was it a full moon?....i don’t know....but it was definitely the sunday mornin..... n’ all you did is took away my phone.... you didn’t even bother to touch my cd player that was lyin right there.... you know i’m partly happy for my cd player wasn’t stolen..... but partly confused..... you who’s so perfect in your work...probably knew about values more than i do......i mean the values that dealt with the “green” stuff..... then why did you actually leave the player..... infact i’m not likin its sound as i used to like once..... somethin is botherin me way too deep..... “the cd player that was not even considered as a part of robbery!”

n’ your last words went away with the phone as well.... i’m not too sure if i’m doin justice with my emotions..... i’m not too sure if i’m feelin sad for that..... i thought i should be feelin sad..... but honestly i’m not..... am i doin somethin wrong? why ain’t i sad?.... i thought i’d always keep them alive..... then what’s actually happenin... am i cheatin on you?

       

though i replaced that phone with a better one, i’m pretty sure of.... i’m not too sure if everythin else is replaceable..... or rather should i say.... if most of the other things are replaceable as well...

       

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Wishful Thinkin... the addendum!

       

i feel my robot has a crush on my maid n' kind of worryin that the latter may break his heart.... n' you may call it a co-incidence but i've a different point of view... n' no.... i don't always have a different point of view... the day Mrs. Potter got missin... my neighbour's dog was not to be found either.... i feel both of 'em ran together... n' there'll be a day when people will consider that maths is not only 2+2=4 but also “what if 2+2 is not 4”... it's also some kind of a hole in your shoe... it's also a lost coin in the highway.... it can be a cat as well!...but what's actually botherin me to the bottom part of my soul... how can i say it wasn't meant for when it wasn't even there?...does it make sense???

       

p.s. i'm not rude!... puhlees!! take back what you said...i know you won't .. n' you can't... but why?... it's actually killin me a lot.... n' i know it's gonna kill me for a while.