dear jury

it's hard for me to explain... n' maybe it's even harder for you to understand... but my truth doesn't have to be acceptable... but still happens to be one. i ain't a rapist... although you can call me one... i thought i was makin' love.. n' it wasn't even a saturday night when i got to know that it wasn't love makin' at all... i thought she was screamin' "don't stop" .. when all she meant was don't(period) stop(period).

that rape wasn't an event my lord... but only a technical misapprehension... but that doesn't relieve me from this sin though. i'm not pleain' for guilty as i know i shouldn't. all i'm askin' for a little attention.. even though i know.... i've never got attention whenever i had asked for it. i only want you to know... i could have been an excellent lover as well. but now... this rape thing wouldn't let me be one. but that's ok.

convictingly yours,
....

dear doctor

i've got somethin' to tell you... it's actually been a while since i've been carryin' a broken heart. n' it's showin' signs of chronicity. i feel i'm losin' my grip out of everythin'. i don't feel i've my feet on the ground coz they kind of feel light n' they shake when i try to stand. n' i'm partially doubtful though i need to mention it... i guess it might be gettin' on my nerves now.

n' i know what you might be thinkin'.. but these aren't metaphors... but are my symptoms. they just happen to sound like metaphors... but they're actually not for the time bein'!

painfully yours,
....

dear TF till i die

sorry. n' i feel a little guilt free whenever i say this to you. n' yet again... i couldn't give anythin'... but only offered my hands holdin' the ashes of time... waitin' for the wind to blow it over. could only deliver all the second hand vows to you first hand though... the vows that stand firm n' strong. tried different lanes to reach fool's paradise... knew no one there though. wish you could make fun with screechin' tyres n' universal mockin'. still unknown if i tried for change... regret more for the things which changed than the ones which didn't?

i know you felt strange because it's never easy to make believe which you totally unbelieve. but nonetheless.. you did your very best.

n' maybe it's not because of its loss but life's last traces which is makin' it all so vulnerable. you'll be better i hope.. when these traces are no more.

n' maybe this square shaped room makes the closest resemblance. don't need candles though... n' that's ok. but i wonder what wish are you gonna make... or is there anythin' left at all!

wishingly yours,
....

dear piper

i wasn't too sure if i was sadder or more helpless when the last one i knew refused to pull me.... when they knew it all.... i couldn't have moved a bit... let alone pushin' myself.

n' everyone looks all so sure about everythin' when you're not sure of anythin' at all. n' maybe then... it takes away a lot... your sweet-sweet life. i feel somethin' isn't right when i try to make myself happy... when the plan seems to be... me takin' or pickin' up along what life has decided for me... n' i can't quite remember when i first began acceptin'.... that sometimes... life leaks faster than the wind blows..... n' you just hurry up n' wait.... just to let yourself know...that there was nothin' at all to be awaited for....

conspringly yours,
......


dear doesn't matter who you're,

isn't it depressin' when you know most people are happy... alright.. i can rephrase that if you want to.... but it'd still mean the same... most people are happy only because they're buyin' your sadness absolutely for free n' then they're sellin' it back to you at a much higher rate.. n' you don't even get to know about it... do you know where is it headin' for... listen to me.

when was the last time someone listened to me?... when was the last time i talked to someone? when was the last time i actually said somethin'? the story about my week n' my weekends just reminds me of the story of the ice-cube n' his only friend sun... we both kind of wait for one another the whole day... just to end up with blisters.. n' that's kind of funny.

n' i was mostly thinkin' about the balance of nature... not the likes of what george carlin thinks... but general ones... like most people believe that i've more hidden depths which most often srew up everythin'... when i most often have found myself absolutely shallow... just like i hate n' love bein' watched.. n' i'm not even sure if i do the both together.

swingingly yours,
....

dear passerby

you do know me.... or maybe you don't. but even if you do... you may not see me the way i actually am. i'm not the person i actually make you see. yes. that means i'm an imposer. biggest of its kind. n' i've been lyin'.... the more serious ones.... mostly to myself. so that everythin' i want or wanted seem to be true. but i guess sundays are hard for liars to escape.

n' no matter how much i lie.... i can't negate the fact that i've bought a perfect death for me. myabe i'd worked hard for it. the truth is...... i'm dyin' everyday although my occasional breathings form my secured alibis. the truth is... i'm cryin' everyday.... even though sometimes i don't have the required tears to support me..... the truth is.... it's hurtin' me to my bones.... just to see everythin' go through me..... the truth is..... i can't do anythin' about it.... not because the extent of possibility.... but this is what i've bought for with all my 25 years of life savings.... it's still about an week to go.... n' now i just need a wrapper.

helplessly yours,
......

dear expectors

i wonder what are you made up of......... n' that's definitely not told for which you can be proud of. never-oh-never you get to realize what you've taken was a bizillion times more than even what you thought of givin'... n' still you run with the score cards. last night i told mom n' asked her actually to make a broadcast which she definitely won't... n' ofcourse why would she. so unfortuantely all of you would die unaware of what i felt n' said last night.... n' the fact is... if i care a descent look in my resume.... just to check my checklist of endurances... thanks to you but no thanks.. i've got all the criterion to hate all of you... but involuntarily.. i've not started to hate you yet.... but rather.. it's strangely pleasant when i think about it... that it's completely my choice to hate you or not... n' incidentally... i can do both of them with equal efficiency.



dear loved ones,

first of all... i must assure all of you that i don't actually know whom i'm referrin' to... although i know you belong to my loved ones set... but i'm not too sure about the subset.... but even when i don't know who you are.... but i know what i feel for you... which will be .. i'd have hated you just fine if at all i didn't love you.... n' at times i become oh-so-sure that i do both of them simultaneously.... although the love for you is still strong.... n' i'm neither proud nor regretful for it.

i guess all of you should learn somethin' from my scissors... do you've any clue how many times i've misplaced it but somehow it always has been inheritted back to me by the hands of time.... or rather it'd be a wrong statement till i say my scissors have always found me back.... n' it's rather pathetic on your part if i'm feelin' my scissors have an edge over all of you.

unshavingly yours,
.....

dear what happened

sometimes..... you know just sometimes... i actually do think about you... not because you're just someone who's all very mine...but as an outsider. n' that doesn't do me any good...... when i get to see you've just a few gold n' silver to achieve..... money to earn when there's be no one to spend on..... maybe fame to gain.... when there's no one to boast on..... stories to tell...... when there's no one to hear it... n' ofcourse there's you too....... not a part of anyone else's.
sometimes i just think... "what's you gonna do?"... i know this is supposed to be my responsibility... but still... do you've some clues? i guess it'd have been all so fun... if you were part of atleast somethin'.... but even when you're not.. i just can't throw you away... i only wished if i could have offered you just more than these words hopin' that you can lean on them just like i do... i wished if you were not shown the way to the door for so many times... i wished you didn't have to be there where you have been so many times... i only wished if things were different... n' then they'd have stayed just the same...

wishfully yours,
.....

dear whoever you are

i don't know when it all started when i made my first wish.... i don't remember when i got tired keepin' a wishlist.... because it only grew longer.... with just the handwritings kept on changin'.... but this is nothin' to all of them.... of what i found n' what i had wanted to find.... but this is just about me n' fiddler's green.

first of all... i need to inform you on certain aspects you may not be aware of... n' can't really blame on you. maybe you too are just caught in the circles of perceptions... the fact that i found fiddler's green can't really be a co-incidence... if at all there's any such thing. n' the fact that how i've found it?.... i don't want to go on or somethin'... because i want it to be somethin' which i was lookin' for.

i thought my heart made my soul... n' if that's true... my heart must be made by my dreams... n' this is where my dreams have to stay... n' even forever is too short a word.

so here... all the birds in every golden branch have to be a songbird... n' nobody have to be deaf again this time. let the young boys know Haiku for a change instead of knowin' some cool bike stunt... n' there'd be no bullies even if you start lookin' for them far south down the coast.

love won't be just painful here.... n' there shall be ways which do not end up in cryin' in the dark. so nobody has to wait everyday to see it all go through... but the one that remains.... stays.. shines n' calls one another.

where everyone can turn in circles... not of confusion but of playfulness... where butterflies live for so much more than just a week.... where the lies shall never be revealed.... n' all their sweetness shall swear to never lie again.

where the scholarships shall be given... only when you've lost all your control... where you don't have to be sleepless for just one regret or one guilt..... where all the crossroads shall be given destination status n' finally... you don't have to look for signs... but can stay there as long as you want to.

where hearts are not torn when stolen....... secrets are unopened even if they go broken.... where there shall be a million hands to catch... if somehow your heart pops out of your chest.

where people... if at all get lost somewhere.... they don't have to dream of midnight streets.... but start believin'... that they'd find everyone they loved or wanted to love in fiddler's green n' all those people would love them back this time.

so this year's joy... better last forever... where you don't have to kiss someone's memory in the new year's eve.... but you find that person by your side. n' i feel i've read kundera only for fiddler's green... because this is where i felt... "happy inside the songs.. where sorrow wasn't playful... laughter wasn't mockin'.... love wasn't laughable.. n' hate wasn't shy.... where people love with all their body n' soul.... where love is still love... pain pain... n' values free from devastations.."

dreamin'-dalely yours,
......

dear love n' hate

i don't know if you're gonna like it... but i was havin' this typical sunday afternoon conversation with N.... n' surprisingly... sunday seems to be missin' somethin' without his call..... when we were essentially talkin' irrelevant.... we talked about you........ when he thought he was jokin' about you..... i insisted.. "actually you're not.".... the fact that you impose yourself virtually on everyone possible..... i consider you rather unreliable.... because in most of the cases... you appear to be the platonic version (oh-my-god!)... which is actually the root cause of your betrayal (or withdrawal) syndrome..... unlike the latter... as i can't hate somebody just like that..... i mean i can.. but it's kind of difficult.. n' more important than that... i won't.. i mean nobody will... n' just to add... N liked the concept.

analytically yours,
.....

dear fiddler’s green

and yes..... i oh-so-want-to-write somethin’ when you’ve to excuse me for my staggerin’ handwritin’... n’ you know the reason why. there’s nothin’ much i’m doin’.... which is what i enjoy the most doin’.... exploitin’ the services of my pencil to it’s fullest ( imply whatever it wants to..).

heavy sighs.... head-droppings n’ a reluctant handwritin’ stroke. n’ yes... i found you yesterday.... which doesn’t mean that i’ve boycotted my “ex”.... although it may be highly indicative since i’ve gotten rid of it’s trace from almost everywhere..... but accordin’ to my press-released-statement version... i had sent it to the backseat. n’ just for the record... i’ve written your name everywhere.... n’ that would be here n’ on my cell phone.

n’ i’m oh-so-tired.... but it still can’t steal away my moment of findin’ you.... no-no. i can’t believe two things. as a matter of fact.... i can’t believe a lot of things.... things like every time i see R, i actually see S.... n’ i don’t even know i see who... when i see S. things like how much we fear in bein’ nobody... that we end up bein’ somebody else..... things like who did i become?.... n’ have people already figured it out...... that they’re seein’ someone else n’ not me...... things like why do i’ve to try so hard to be just me when i actually want to be me..... oh god.... do i talk, hear, see, think n’ whatever..... just like someone else?..... things like atkinson’s fifth law.... “the because-i-liked-the-way-you-looked-at-me girl shall never exist.”.......... but currently... the only two things i can’t believe..... “i can’t believe i didn’t find you for so long”.... and... “i can’t believe i’ve found you.”

diseasefully yours,
.........

dear S

i’m sorry to say this.... but i totally find you plastic. right from your voice.... n’ maybe for now.... just that. n’ seriously..... this is not how anyone is supposed to talk...... no matter if they own the new york times.

i thought not makin’ mistakes is a big deal..... i was wrong. just as you’re when you think makin’ mistakes is a big one. it’s just a matter of chance.... both of them. n’ chance is not a big deal at all.

disapprovingly yours,
..........

dear strange times

can i raise a toast to celebrate our age old friendship? or more than "can-i".... do i really want to?...hmm. want to. i don't even know if i actually don't know what i want or maybe i had just forgotten what i wanted. because i find it absolutely strange when i see i'm still doin' things which is so not me.... but doin' it... maybe just to stay in the game...... talkin' everythin' in a way because i know this is what they want to hear. n' yeah... you can call me hypocrite... but most of the times... i call myself a coward.

someone found it to be good when i said i was watchin' tv.... n' i felt what so good about it huh?... because the only reason i watch tv is to live the life maybe just for a while which is showcased in it... because i know ... i can't have that life... because i know.... "A Girl Next Door" can never exist in real.

because i'm not so sure... if i regret more for bein' a colorblind... or for the lack of people who don't even know my favourite color even in my limited set.

but what makes you even stranger is... i still managed to read both opel n' jessica.... yeah i've gone through kundera as well.... infact three of 'em.... n' to add more salt to you.... i'm also gonna go for mcinerney n' chbosky.... yeah i had three breakups.... but i still have the guts to lie that i'm still engaged.... when everyone else who claims to be figured out... who does everythin' because they've got ample reasons for doin' it.... n' feel that everyone who's not on their side is on the wrong side.... judgin' so comfortably that their reasons would hold correct generally..... when even confusion is not somethin' new.... i try with everyone .. to convince everyone else.... so that they exactly agree what we think... which is another way of sayin' makin' them think what we think.... but wouldn't it be absolutely borin' when all of think exactly in the same way.

eyes digging deeply yours,
....

dear saturday

it's been exactly a month since the last time i got you the way i actually wanted to.... n' isn't it funny?.... my lead is a firm believer of sarcasm.... n' thorough practitioner too. hah!.. n' the one month flashback gathers most of all different shapes of eye brows..... raised ones... not so raised ones.... raised ones with a question mark of "what-are-you-sayin'?" of sorts... n' emails.. whole lot of them... with attachments bein' more re-attached than attached.... n' after such a long battle...... i get a reply of corrupt zip files... hail thee murphy!

n' what did i get after bargainin' you for so long as 30 days??... hmm..... an accurate morbid mornin' for thinkin' of matters that hurts me the most **check**... even though "girl next door" dose was taken from star movies... even more depressin' afternoon... for readin' the letter i printed out yesterday for absolutely no reason but to get depressed..**check**.... photographs clicked... 30 copies...**check**.... documents xeroxed.. 5 copies each... **check**... more pages browsed to look for me but findin' me nowhere..**check**... n' finally writin' a letter to you.... showin' yet again my signs of fatigue for life n' vigour for nothin'...**check**. was that worth bargainin' at all? after three months of grave silence only towards me n' nobody else when i thought you might have seen my words.... you came up with somethin' like yesterday?... that's the problems with fast readers... can't blame you actually.

n' why do i end up havin' nothin'? n' somehow i can't think of tomorrow bein' a oh-so-awaited-sunday because of the oh-so-scary-monday bein' the next day.

v told me yesterday that he was missin' home.. although i didn't quite understand how... he don't quite look like someone who acutally stays in home much which he agreed. hey wait. why am i doin't this? that's none of my business right?

deliriously yours,
....

dearly beloved

talkin' to you has been mostly fun... n' it was just the same... yesterday too. hangin' up the phone without your approval wasn't meant to be. n' i really had to rush off after that.... for i didn't feel too good either. n' then the poetry started for i could remember only flashes. i could remember puttin' the receiver down... i could remember quickly givin' the booth owner a 500 rupee bill.... i could remember him callin' me from the back to give me the change which i didn't take..... i could remember gettin' into a very crowded bus n' somehow gettin' stacked onto a corner..... i could remember not noticin' anythin' at all but i was all so concerned not to cry in that public bus........ i could remember my tremblin' lips as it always happens whenever i try hard not to cry when i so want to.... n' then i could remember nothin' at all. i was mostly circlin' around all the words that i wanted to tell you... which i'm so sure i couldn't remember now..... n' what i'm writin' now has got no business with what i wanted to say to you last night..... but it hardly matters.... trust me.

few things i want you to know... but i ask not to understand them. what i want or wanted has got nothin' to do with what i do or have been doin'.... but maybe i just feel what i'm doin' has to be done. n' just like you said...it's a no win situation... n' like i said... you're right...just like you always were. but maybe i never knew how to win... or maybe at some point of time.... i didn't want to win no more. but maybe i shall lose it my way. because that's somethin' i know... n' i know it well.

i've found you always more reasonable n' composed than i'm... n' i've told you that probably a lot of times.. n' i also remember that you didn't quite agree to that too often.. infact never. but i meant what i said. n' most of the times you do the right things... i mean mostly... n' that's good. but just for the record... maybe as a well wisher... i'd like to say somethin' to you..... right now... now as in these years of yours... your younger years.... do everythin' with some amount of care n' keep your fingers crossed.... because trust me.... you're gonna look back at these times again n' again when these years would go away.... just like i do... n' so what if you've to lie to your parents when you go out for a date... trust me.. it won't look like a lie ten years after.

but when i look back... i know it's kind of early to say so... but still when i look back at the little bit of everythin'... i mostly look at what i'd found out in those years..... i've found out... just like that your best buddy with whom you've lived 4 years of graduation years can ask you to leave one day...... i've found out that one person for whom you're ready to wait for the rest of everythin'.... can ask you not to contact her again when you just wished her on her birthday.... i've found out that someone can easily leave you for someone else just because you can't afford a great future or maybe someone else can buy her a more expensive one..... i've found out that people start lookin' for you when they've found out that all the other people have left them n' you're the best bargain..... i've found out that gettin' disappeared... almost completely... is as easy as just changin' your numbers n' id's... no matter your whole batch lives in the same city... but shazaam... you're invisible.

i've found out people who are such fast readers that they don't even ever notice what they thought to be a coma was actually a tear drop...i've found out that people mostly love you because they know exactly that you love them.... n' they wouldn't have started lovin' you ... if they'd the slightest of doubts that you didn't.. i've found out that i'd mostly spent all those years with trapezes of confusion... whether to live life with all the lies or with all the truths... i've found out that i'd spend most of those years... while cryin' in the dark.

n' i believe you... just like i always did.... so there's no point in shoutin' at me sayin' "you think i'm lyin'?".... coz i know you're not. but i rate lyin' as different from sayin' somethin' when you're not so sure about the truth... n' i'm not assumin' things. no i'm not. it's only you who told me...... you've got no one to talk to online. n' maybe that's the reason you want to talk to me... coz right now... you've got no one better. but tomorrow's gonna be a different day right?... just like yesterday. do you remember when we were both online. probably at that time you had a big online fraternity at your disposal..... n' when i used to give an im.. i really had to wait for a reply... because you had a lot of replies to give... n' i hope you get that time back soon when you're back to that spot light once again.. n' trust me.. then... you're not even gonna remember me... let alone miss me.

n' don't worry about sen. he handles everythin' perfectly. n' just for the record... how can i be bothered by him... just because you find him sweet can't really affect me a great deal when you tell me he had asked you about me... coz when i was actually alive.. he never bothered a sigh for me.... n' the last time i felt him.. i thought he was in head-over-heels kinda love with someone... n' trust me.. durin' those times... people are mostly happy. i've been through it.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand..... it'd have been really fun if we were together .... maybe just for a while. then i could have told you that i would have always chosen opel mehta over jessica darling... if ever i was given a chance.... then i could have told you there's this one guy who is teachin' me english.. i mean what's n' how's about english... like how to write a sentence... n' also a great deal of grammar like "you "have" to" n' not "you "has" to"... then i could have told you about this another guy who tells me how i should grow up in terms of my music taste... n' while he says so... he actually lifts his hands slightly just when he says the term "grow up"... then there're people who believes not usin' a mouse while usin' the computer but only their keyboards is a cool kinda thing which gives them an edge over everyone else… n' i could have definitely told you about this girl i came across recently who has a technically wrong name... n' oh.. just for the record.. she doesn't pee. trust me.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand i could have told you about those eyes of the blind... n' their scattered braile scripts... about those handbags of flashbacks... about all those almost n' maybe's... the nightfalls n' the myths... n' some part of the forgotten history.... about all those bargained dreams n' second hand happiness... about the signs that led me to nowhere... n' the singalong sorrows... about curtains n' window panes... pillow covers n' bedsheets n' all those times when i used to cry in the dark.

n' maybe then…. i could have told you that findin' you was just like findin' someone i always wanted to find... but maybe findin' you was also findin' someone while standin' in a not-so-long-queue..... no matter how much i find you interestin' or how much fun i've with you while standin' together... all i can hope for is … this queue would never end n' we could stay on like this forever…. but our turns would come n' then we'd go different ways... n' i just had to wait... when i shall lose sight of you.. when you completely disappear in the maddenin' crowd..... when i shall fail to hear your oh-so-sweet voice in the self imposin' cacophony. you really were a beautifully unplanned dream i dreamt…. but i gotta wake up.

**sigh**... n' i just want a life with just me... n' nobody else. i know it's not an easy choice.. but i believe i've already taken it. i just want to go away so far... that nobody could reach me even if they want to... so far that nobody could ever understand me... even if they want to.

n' i sincerely believe nobody would want to be a part of this plan.. n' nobody should.... n' sometimes it's good to be on your own. but the worst part… it's not so good a feelin' when you've got nothin' at all to wait for. but you stay cool.. n' you stay happy. for you've a crowded life.... n' you should love every part of it.

incorrigibly yours,
....

p.s. the sorrow to own a broken heart is not because you've to start lookin' for the pieces lyin' around everywhere... because it hardly matters even if you miss some of them. the hardest part is... all the secrets that were burried inside it .....escape. not even escape.. they're stolen... nothin' should allow those secrets to lose you... not even a broken heart.