why do they say it's late?

after all
why do they say
it's late
when i feel it's soon

they say it's night
when i feel it's actually
just noon.

the ducks fly away
tellin' me it's winter
when i feel i've seen
my calendar n' it's june.

why do their clocks
run oh-so-fast?
why do they say
it's late
when i feel it's soon...

dear you

if only i could address you with what i do.. but i can't. n' i would never confess too. n' somethin' that i've accepted so firmly.. we don't exist.. neither of us.. n' that's the truth. ours is a floatin' relationship... apparently it seems it's goin' somewhere... but actually it's not. it's just like a bubble in an ocean. n' bubbles are just meant to burst.. that too very soon.

pessimisticly yours,
....

# of things concerning me people face difficulties to believe in...

#1267 you never had a girlfriend?

... their disbelief shows evidential expressions ... first a humble repetitive question of the same relentin' heavily on the word "ever" thinkin' that changes the question to alarming degrees.. but i don't quite see how.... "you never ever had a girlfriend?"... "umm!... by ever if you meant my tenure of life after i came out of the womb... oh hell that'd be no again.... n' just to add.. i do believe in life before n' after life" (n' that's somethin' again they find difficulty in believe in.. my belief in life before n' after life )... with residual expression of... yeah-whatever-you-say-son-of-a-bitch-as-if-you-would-make-me-believe.

me, yes, me...

If you really want to hear about it
i wonder if you do

livin’ in time
more than in space
shadows keep runnin’
taller than me

mr. sandman runnin’ deep
into my mind.
widenin’ spaces
don’t fill the void

listenin’ to the words
without any thoughts
sleepin’ my walk
still keepin’ infinity.

renderin’ more molds
than a single body
hostages of love
accompanyin’ forever

sailin’ teenage wastelands
with magnetized thoughts
faces built often
but with false improvisations.

love the flowers
but not their growth.
still afraid
with the secrets i hold
scared to share
a corner of my life

dear maa

first of all you should know these're all very recent thoughts... n' not somethin' i keep on workin' on these days which is keepin' me busy in depression... n' i hate you because i can't hide it from you.. when i can pretend to the level of oscar-award-winners... but you catch me every time even though i don't agree till the very end... n' i won't stop lyin' to you n' i can promise you that.

n' just look what happened?? a boy.. a cute one infact i must add!... livin' in such a cozy warm place called home... never goin' too far from your shadow.. without any friends.. without many answers.. infact without anythin' but just you. a boy who will always fall asleep just before his dinner.. n' you need to feed him... n' so utterly useless he was... he'll still fall asleep with the food still in his mouth... n' you'll need to tell him.. "come on swallow it!".. n' he will not fall asleep after he had his dinner till he hugged you tightly enough in bed.

then why at all this journey began... n' for whom.. for what.. where i was headin'.. n' to find what.. because i don't think anythin' was in my mind... n' i ended up here... perfectly alone.. perfectly on my own ... with a perfect empty heart.. where i can't hold you like i used to when there'll be this big thunderin' in the night time n' i wake up with fear... i can't sob in your arms when i see ghost dreams.. n' i wonder why at all do i see them. i wonder about everythin' maa.. n' you gave birth to a perfect freak... n' you have to live with it.

stupidly yours,
.....


p.s. destiny seemed almost perfect. if only it wasn't so slow. even the slowness is acceptable but it's only the deliberateness in its slowness which is always killin'.... n' maybe it shouldn't always be about the reasons. because maybe the reasons have crossed the two page boundary... both sides.... heedin' to which i should have killed myself a long time back. it's only because i've ignored them all... i'm mostly not dead since then.

n' then you suddenly come across these houses right?

good decent lookin' houses. you don't know them. never been inside them. n' then they invite you.. when you're still wound up with thoughts.... hoverin' around the voices comin' from the inside walls. the secrets which might as well be a definite part of them. n' then you follow signs. not so sure if those were actual signs or you wanted more to follow them. but nonetheless.. nobody stops you.... or charges you for trespassin'. you feel more than a guest... but not so sure either. n' just when your mind perceives everythin' in the gardens of familiarity... you're made to be a stranger.. a definite one. you're made to believe that it was only you... n' just you who mistook the signs.... n' they're already doin' you a favour.... by not pressin' any charges against you.

p.s. somethings unlike most others are so matter of the fact n' so taken for granted n' so existin'... that they don't exist.. or they might... but you don't see them. just like the "flugelbinders". maybe i can't imagine my day without them... i don't even see the odds without it. but i act as though i did somethin' n' i deserve them.

the worst part i found in a house.... each of them have a hidin' place where they hide the key... which takes you inside. n' the strkin' thing... it's not even a hidin' place because it's quite within reach n' it's way too common place n' cliched. but it still happens to work. few people will be told about it... n' the rest of the world shall be standin' on the other side of the hedge.. cruel isn't it? n' it's funny too.

nominated to unknow
the faces of fooleries
find a way to forget
the dreams of yesterdays
the seeds of lovingdale
knows nowhere to go.
walk my sleep through them.
n' there's no one to know.
the uncatalogued memories
rearranged randomly
there's no where to go
n' the ghosts shall marry me.

dear lines about nobody

Main Activities: "Scales"... my main activity hovers around balancin' scales. yeah. that's what i keep on tryin' to do. to halt the swing. but it doesn't happen too often. i mean the halt.

Main interests: cryin' in the dark? i don't know if that's my interest. the girl i had a crush on called me a masochist. i can ignore that one.. she's a fool. i'm mostly interested in walkin' on the ground rather than left dispended in the outerspace... left to wait forever to reach the vicinity of some planet.. who will embrace me with gravity... i'm interested in idle tuesdays when i can chew a bubble gum... i 'm interested in love n' hate... sometimes i'm interested in the relief hate gives me.. n' oh.. i'm interested in the love who's not so interested in me.

Who are good friends: ones who include me in their email forwards

Sweetest moment: when someone types lol in an im

Dislikes: IM a.k.a. intellectual masturbation.

Likes: everythin’ else

Lines you’ll never forget: when she who shall remain nameless said "what are you gonna do about it?" **how could you?**

Lines you wish you'd forget: when she who shall remain nameless said "what are you gonna do about it?" **how could you?**

Your opening lines of your first book if you ever write it: "...and it was probably a late Saturday night and I could still remember.... there she was standing... My soul mate with snow flakes on her hair. And yeah. She was pregnant..."

Your closing lines of the same book if you ever wrote it: "And it’s not about how it has to start or is it ever going to end... uh-uh. Maybe it’d never end or maybe it’d... or maybe it won’t take forever... but maybe just one day short of it... but it’s all about going on with it... because it goes on. Remember the other day I told you about my girlfriend and how I got her pregnant?"

"Yeah I do." Mike replied, relentlessly believing, the last punctuation I had used was not a full stop but a coma. Actually it was a full stop but his expectation made me change my mind.

"It’s really tough to deal with a woman when she’s pregnant. More so, when you do not want her to be pregnant. But that’s not the worst part that’s bothering me. The last time she called me... it was a year ago. And she called me just yesterday... She was still pregnant."

Things you like to watch: to see things go... n’ keep on lookin’ at it even when it’s not there.

Used to think: we’re who we’re.

Think now: we’re not who we’re but who we pretend we’re.

Lines hummin’ right now:
If you're leaving will you take me with you
I'm tired of talking on my phone
There is one thing I can never give you
My heart can never be your home

Deepest regret: not the ones for the choices n’ decisions people took that went so much against me... i’m mostly regrettin’ because.. while they had such privileges; i had none.... n’ i still don’t.

Want to be: james dean... n’ then save the world while i still carry this headache.

Do you think you’re wise: definitely.

Why so: because i’ve seen both... a blind man cross the road... trying to reach the other side.... n’ also.... a young girl growing old... trying to make herself a bride. *wink*

On drugs: yes

Idea of Life: no. life just can't be doin' what you wanted to do... or complainin' about what you couldn't. no. it has to be more than just that... right? just like when you deliberately got yourself wet in those first summer rains n' made a perfect entry to your room.... so that your mom don't catch you up like that.... just like your first XXX rated dream when you couldn't even realize you were passin' the threshold of your childhood... like the first lie you told your dad... when you told him you were with your best friend.... when actually it was the girl next door. life is when you've got somethin' to wait for.... life is when you feel you're gettin' late... when there's someplace you need to get back to after all of the day's work..

life is plannnin' exactly how you'll fool yourself. life is when there's love to be loved... hate to be hated... when there's someone you can be jealous of... when there's someone who is jealous of you.... when happiness chooses you.... rather than you needin' to choose it everywhere n' everytime. i guess that's life.

Final words: they tried to reach for the moon n’ i heard they got in there... i went for some little bit of happiness lyin’ around in the maria... that too from Salvation Army and Goodwill. n’ no.... this is not about i made it or not. it’s basically about nothin’.

weirdly yours,
....

dear holyman

you were right. not that i didn't agree.... i didn't know. n' everythin' is happenin' like we discussed.

i've already begun walkin' my sleep. infact it's been a while already. i've been smilin' my tears n' i'm doin' it even now. i've packed all my dreams in a portmanteau n' thrown it into the depths of oceans. yeah i'm thrown suspended n' maybe i'll stay there. or else you did say somethin' about it too right?

people have started growin' flowers on my grave. n' yeah... they're smilin' too. they seem happy. they no longer fall for the old hey-you-have-something-on-your-t-shirt. n' everythin' is happenin' again... just like it had happened before.

the confusion is still a part of everythin'... when i'm not too sure even now if i should be happy not to be a part of this world which don't care for anythin' at all... or should i be sad for i'm still not a part of anythin'. yeah... you said it that i won't exist... n' i still don't.

i can only form swirlin' dust-of-memory-jet-streams but can never form someone else's memory. n' yeah... everyone else is perfectly forgetful. but i've got just one complaint. why did you take my memory while we talked coz i can remember nothin'. n' everythin' is known only after it happens. could have been another way.

but there always could have been another way. so maybe that's ok.

shiveringly yours,
......

tears, lies n' regrets...

stays inside.
safe and warm.
like a cold wind
inside my heart.

a mask of lies.
that gives me life.
but how long.

lance my soul.
in and out.
till the blood.
inside gets clot.

a tired life.
cold and black.
forever it went waste.

like a ball.
you threw me out.
in the vacant
outer space.

far too long.
but to where.
will i know when i’ll be there.

till i reach.
one black hole.
where gravity.
finally greets.

till i when.
drown my head.
and disappear to dust.

you’ll hear me scream.
pain and fear.
will burn me
till the very end.

these shoes i wear.
will hold my youth.
till they finally gets torn.

dear a

wish you a very happy n' warm birthday. wish you all the success which you're still waitin' for. wish you a day for you (alongwith all the other librans) when commitment don't look such a tough job.... wish you meet more girls who have "lithium" caller tune... wish you to "meet" girls rather than just talkin' to them on the phone... wish you to receive flowers this time rather than just sendin' them (that too anonymously)... wish that people finally meet you in the office when they intend to give you a surprise n' don't end up bein' surprised themselves.... wish you don't have to regret because she listens to hindi remixes n' not pink floyd.

wish you do have your "big" european tour finally... wish you finally get to see a live show of "LIVE". wish you definitely just more than a bed in "peddakota"...

wish you to have more friends who have a still longer wishlist for you. wish you get plenty of reasons to smile today. wish you a very happy n' warm birthday!

wishfully yours,

dear

i saw a dream.
i think i liked it.
it was fated though.
short lived.
madly
i was movin' in.
i saw it real
i could feel it all.
dear.

there was the fiddler.
and a young boy.
sad.
my memory is fadin'.
he was walkin'.
on the green.
the light was bright.
but he's still findin'.
fear.

they were drownin'.
in the water.
he was screamin'
for life.
the life boats came in.
he wasn't chosen.
and the rest
headed home.

he could never
stop to hear.
what the fiddler
used to play.
and he waited.
to be picked up.
while he lived.
in the someone's
pockets.
dear.

dear m

with all the words we both share... i don't know how often we mean them or do we intend... but they mean everythin'. n' even last night.... we talked like young boys... i don't know if i'm allowed to do so now.... n' after all... the worries i'm relyin' on...... they're not all mine like i said to you.

mom is worried to all extremes... n' rightly so. she should be. she too is findin' it hard to see me like this. it's often hard to be a spectator whenever i take the centerstage. n' she's worried if i lose my youth before i should. n' how could have i told her i already did. lyin' to her was bad but the worst part..... i've to pretend forever from now on. if only my life was like my hair... could have changed it.

but back to you.... like you said already... "she who can catch me off-guard"... n' that sums up everythin'. n' that would include everythin'... but somethin' i still would want to add although it's added already. "she who can be the inexhaustive sink of my salivary juices.." n' "she who shall sing killin' me softly" for me. although i managed the killin-me-softly part from my "ex-girlfriend"... not in song form but in poem form... n' that would do... n' i deliberately used the ex-girlfriend term.... although we both know it's perfectly inappropriate. i guess my rape-victim would sound more precise... but i guess i still would go with the former.

idly yours,
......