how many lies do i've to keep on tellin to myself? n' why?...only because those loads of lies sound better....i still remember a few days back when i said this to myself... "i've got no regrets"...maybe only because i wanted to sound like the prostitute in the "turn the page" video...or when i said..."i'm not gonna say sorry to myself no more".....only because i liked it when "Will" said that!....but how long will i be carryin them huh!....the last 23 years were just like a book with unthrilled cold pages of defeat, submission n' loss....n' still i say i've got no regrets....how come?....n' plus the story is definitely not endin here...knowin this fact so well too!
sometimes i feel the world is such a biased one....they tell us...."Don't look back...look straight ahead".....but what does that mean to a blind man!.....sometimes i felt sad for the ones who had to make some big compromises until i realized that there exist people who had got nothin left to compromise!...i'm not too sure whether i'm sick of these lies n' myths all around or i'm tired of it....whether i'm sick of this life of pretendin unrealities or i'm tired of it....whether i'm sick of being misunderstood....or i'm tired of it!.....whether i'm sick of lookin at the moon anymore...or i'm tired of it!
sometimes the journey seems so lonesome n' long that your start hopin for its end...no matter you had reached the destination or not....i still don't realize or rather fail to understand if my dreams were that big....maybe i didn't protect those dreams very well!
last 23 years had showed me much...but i learnt the least but unlearnt the most!...last 23 years had given me much....but i achieved the least but lost the most!....really sick n' tired of livin this unbalanced life of defeat ' glory....sick n' tired of pretendin.....when now i get really afraid when i'm in a good mood for i somehow get the feelin that its not gonna last long!
i guess i had reached a point where i'm too sick of explainin other what this "me" really means.....n' too tired of understandin anyone else!
"You don't really care about broken dreams.....when your hopes are already broken!"
it was really late that other night....a couple of days back....proabably around 2 2:30 in the night.....i was walkin all alone...with this real cool breeze blowin my hair....tryin as if its gonna fill my soul.....i was walkin in the middle of this long straight street.....where i can see a long bunch of street lights as far as i my vision can dare....i was carryin my cell phone...n' all the time i was searchin for a number in the phone book...with whom i can talk.....but i could find no one....not that i didn't have a number stored......but could thought about no one with whom i could've talked with.......i sat in a bus stand.....lookin at the neon lights of a south indian restaurant.......n' really askin myself......is this how you feel...when you know that you're alone....that you've got no one with you.....n' you only look back with a hope that someone is right behind you....but can find no one.....that you're really sick of talkin with the walls in your house....coz you know walls don't talk back..but you only listen to the echoes of your own voice...remindin you of some all fond memories...but suddenly again you realize that you're alone in that house....longin long enough that someone's gonna hear you from one's heart....not because they've to hear you...but they really like to hear you.
i tried to lie down in that bus stop.....the breeze still catchin my head....i felt like i was high.....but not renewed!....i tried to look forward from now.....where i fit myself in....coz till now as i realized...i've got something....n' i also lost a few....but whats gonna be the picture like ...say after five years from now....coz the picture i've now with me to look at..isn't the best one to look at....coz empty frames don't look nice.....but whats the ultimate plan.....will my bed be a furniture where i'm gonna come only to sleep.......or will it be somethin else where i can relax......how's my life gonna be.....somethin like a slow swamp....where you only wait for your end to come...slowly but painfully!!!....or will it be somethin like where you really know that you're alive.....just when these thoughts were really reachin their orgasm!....the lights in the bus stop turned off......i had to get up from there.....the rain came in as if to fill the picture with a sense of perfectness.....n' the street dogs were really cryin in a loud manner.......as if they were my choir....n' i walked along slowly.....i guess thats exactly how you feel when you know that you're alone!
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone... ------Green Day
i've always thought about it since i was in my teens.....about faith....ever since when i first heard the song "keep the faith"...although when i first heard it..i never thought so deep....but as i think now....n' look back....it seems that this song always happened to echo in my ears....sometimes i heard it...n' many times i didn't.
everyone always holds back to somethin...that is exactly what i felt...in times of distress....times when nothin goes by your way....he clings to somethin that he believes.....but the faith of this common man isn't so easy to be kept!......his facade of faith is more often hit by agony....deceit ....disappointments .... failures....lost dreams....but yet counterfeited with strong hopes for a better tomorrow....n' he goes on.....forgettin every failure even when he successully clears the ant-hill in the backside of his yard.....n' strives forward to crush the next bee-hive...relentin on his recent success.....n' it doesn't matter if he's able to crush the bees....what shows more profoundly here is that....this hope that he carries in his entire life....is indeed an astonishin feature of this common man...for those who are really powerful by the definition of power....doesn't have to hope to achieve something....hope is the only weapon for this common man....who relies on it so desperately that at times....it destructs himself!
but what about those men....who in the process of makin a better tomorrow rolls back so hard...they lose everythin that they once believed...are they the ones who had reached the extremity of their truimphs of faith, hope n' glory!....i guess not.....for i believe there's one more factor that adds them.....after livin a long n' lonely life of disgrateful faith.....n' disappointin hopes.....they finally give up....now what do they really give up.....because they had already lost what they really had to lose.....actually when they think that they had reached their extremity....n' past the point of rescue!...they're actually unintentionally webbin a rebellion...against their own destiny...for this common man's destiny doesn't allow him to lose his faith n' belief n' hopes...which he did.....no matter what....the common man doesn't lose his faith...he keeps it alive till he's dead....after all thats what makes him common huh!....n'just then....he somehow again gains back all his faith with a equal if not less amount of lustre in it!....n' why not...its nothing bad to follow ones destiny...moreoever the bite of the dischorded tunes of melancholic faith dwellers.....which he had to face all alone....even without the companionship of his long time friend named "faith".....is a bit hard from him...n' the man continues to live....without even knowin that it was really a long time back when he had submitted everythin...but knows not what he had submitted....n' to whom he did......he waits for a miracle to happen......even though he knows its in the near side of unlikelihood.....as if he were watchin a movie....he knows what the endin would be...but still keeps on hopin that somethin might give in.....n' with this hope.....this common man lives on!
this postin...really is a tribute to this common man....a salute...a homage....a special celebration..a payback...no ..not a payback!....doesn't suit with a common man.....but definitely a ovation to this common man....who lives within so many of us!!!!
I lost all faith in my God, in his religion too
I told the angels they could sing their songs to someone new
I lost all trust in my friends
I watched my heart turn to stone
I thought that I was left to walk this wicked world alone
Tonight I'll dust myself off
Tonight I'll suck my gut in
I'll face the night and I'll pretend
I got something to believe in
And I had lost touch with reason
I watched life criticize the truth
Been waiting for a miracle
I know you have too
Though I know I won't win
I'll take this one on the chin
We'll raise a toast and I'll pretend
I got something to believe in
If I don't believe in Jesus, how can I believe the Pope
If I don't believe in heroin, how can I believe in dope
If there's nothing but survival, how can I believe in sin
In a world that gives you nothing, we need something to believe in.
Bon Jovi
A few days back i started it....oh my god!....it seems its been a while now....when i started my obituary thing.....i mentioned i didn't know exactly what led me do so.....maybe its a precognition of death that i was to have soon!....but people misunderstood me.......most of them.....as they've always done.....for most of them believe that death is the end of everything.....but i guess....its the only way to face something which is the only real n' complete truth......to me.....its only a metamorphosis from one dimension to another.
i had only asked a few of them to write me my own obituary for i wanted to see if someone else shares my reminisces of life or rather should i say something like life!.......although i'm still waitin......i guess its gonna be a very long wait.....surpassin many more deaths!.....so i guess its time to express how i lived before n' after my death!!
all people die someday......some people feel that they're already dead....i got to know that I had died!.....n' its not important to know whats the real difference among them....but important it is...that there's a difference...and more important it is....that death never means a halt.....its only a transition to some different platform.
i had always felt that i was misunderstood....at times i had felt that i was a bit "UNDER"understood......but in the end.....i somehow got the feelin that i had understood myself quite a bit......sometimes i used to walk alone like i still do.....at times i had looked for someone else......but its definitely unwise to ignore your own shadow who is always by your side.......i guess i finally did embrass him!
someone once told me this...."live everyday of your life....as if it were your last day.....because someday....its really gonna be your last day!"....n' i'm glad that i really did that.......i understood that though hopes n' expectations go hand in hand.....they're never the same!.......that you may want something......n' that you do get something.....but you never always get what you really want!.....that you really lose your present when you seek to know your future.....n' that even the best fortune tellers do lie!....changes keep on happenin non-stop......one way or the other.....n' that life somehow finds a way.....maybe to die one more day!.......that its very unwise to be disappointed when the light is turned off.....for its definitely not the last one....for there's always one more light to turn off!
i had learnt that its only safe enough to make predictions about weather......for no one really cares when it goes the opposite way!......that its the simplest thing to live the way you really are....but i had seen that simplest things are not always the easiest ones!......some believed memories bring "diamonds n' rust".....others believed memories are "devils n' dust".....to me....memories are only memories which also happen to bring the memories of the sorrows for those moments who no longer exist.
people say that they leave their memories after they're gone......but what about the memories that you leave for yourself when you know that you've died!......to me death is definitely not an end.....for they're many more deaths that still await.....................
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