Still Crawlin’

i had a dream. i had it last night. n’ i saw me. probably you led me. i was lookin’ at me after a long time. i saw me happy. i saw me smile. i wasn’t broken. i wasn’t fakin’. you don’t do it in your dreams. few moments made me happy. n’ i wasn’t tryin’ to hold those moments. it was like a piece of satin caressin’ my face n’ leavin’ me behind. i was lovin’ the touch more than the fear of its absence. i was even happy lookin’ at those moments wrapped around those butterflies goin’ past me.... disappearin’ slowly into the distance. even the void that rushed in wasn’t disturbin’ at all... but was rather calm n’ soothin’.

but instincts don’t take instructions from the brain... n’ those eyelids..... they’re not even under the instincts. they opened up just like that.... n’ i was all scared once again. scared of bein’ misunderstood yet again. afraid that my carefreeness would be interpreted as don’t-cared-ness.

i’m just an ant crawlin’ in this vast beach all alone. somehow carryin’ my faith hidin’ from all those rough waves.... carryin’ my broken hopes along the harbors of hardship. n’ i just took a turn n’ i felt somethin’ different. i crawled the crawl of a lifetime. i was crawlin’ over a lost ruby in the sand. her touch could have given me goose bumps if only i weren’t an ant! n’ i climbed off her for i was still crawlin’. i couldn’t have stopped. but even in my descent, i felt happy. the thoughts of the ruby still unknown to me. although i couldn’t have looked back.... i could still feel the growin’ distance between me n’ the ruby. n’ now.... it’s only the sand trails that connected me with her. but i knew the connections that were formed when i felt her in my vicinity which ran deeper made by those final touches were far more profound n’ complex than i actually thought. it was just like bein’ happy that relied more on instincts n’ momentary time pieces..... rather than bein’ in love which is always very stubborn. love always seemed stubborn to me. you were in love once n’ you’re in love.... quite stubbornly. even with love.... even without love. i’d rather prefer bein’ happy. it’s wider even though it’s momentary..... it’s slippery but that makes it smooth. n’ more comfortably.... you don’t fall here but just float around.

Hello my dream girl.
It’s not what it should have been.
The sounds of moans that you’ve been hearin’
are the ones comin’ from my tombstones.
So now you know n’ you know me
This life is but a tribute
to all the million deaths i died.
Still unmourned n’ undeclared.

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