should it be that way?

the scorpion is growin' in strength. your eyes are losin' focus. the potential woman of your dreams smiles at you. n' you? you've a bottle of some lousy eye drops... hopelessly aimin' at your left eye.... you miss more than you hit. you start thinkin'... the pain revealed from your infected left eye is almost comparable if not more.. than your last broken relationship. n' the effort required to put those big huge drops into your tiny little eyes... that for some unknown a.k.a. weird reasons... do not want to open up... is as hard as impressin' a woman... specially if she fits for the ever vacant post of the mystery-woman.... woman-of-your-eternal-dreams... woman-of-all-women... woman - who - makes - you - think - of - runnin' - beneath - the - trees - till - you - suck - up - all - the - oxygen... woman - who - makes - you - fantasize - about - her - sexually - ofcourse - even - when - your - one - eye - is - completely - useless. when you just can't ignore the other thoughts inside your head although you desperately want to think romantically atleast.. if not act like that.... but those thoughts couldn't help you think in any other way but this.

thoughts like your past track record.... seems like to be a disaster. when you've failed miserably when it comes to women. women-of-everyday-life-of-sorts... women-walkin'-down-the-streets-of-sorts.... women-sittin'-in-a-broad-day-coffee-shop-of-sorts... women-of-a-complete-set-of-identifiable-pairs-of-chromosomes which you're so sure one day would be available in the market. n' how could you even think.... infact even think of thinkin' romantically about M E G A N Mc C A F F E R T Y... the big woman... the celebrity woman... the mystery-woman.... woman-of-your-eternal-dreams... woman-of-all-women... woman - who - makes - you - think - of - runnin' - beneath - the - trees - till - you - suck - up - all - the - oxygen... woman - who - makes - you - fantasize - about - her - sexually - ofcourse - even - when - your - one - eye - is - completely - useless. woman-totally-NOT-of-everyday-life-of-sorts... woman-totally-NOT-walkin'-down-the-streets-of-sorts.... woman-totally-NOT-sittin'-in-a-broad-day-coffee-shop-of-sorts... woman-of-a-complete-set-of-UNidentifiable-pairs-of-chromosomes which science can never reproduce no matter how advance it goes.

you pour some more drops to your eyes... tryin' more to tranquilize your sexual psyche than your infected eye for few more moments. by now your eyes are bleedin' with a very high salt content... n' you thinkin' it's just a reflection of your own life which is leakin' faster than your likin'. people passin' you by... thinkin' you to be cryin'... gives you a you-broke-up-again look of sorts. you don't like it.

you recall the last 24 hours. was the mail a little too casual? it didn't express you totally.... or it did in a very vanilla way. which don't make you feel any better. you think you could have hyper expressed yourelf. just to create the world's faintest of a chance of all chances... maybe initiatin' a pseudo-chemical-forecast-of-a-false-effervescence in Megan's pancreatic glands... forget about the major organs like her heart (her heart? oh-my-god). you couldn't have possibly thought of ever gettin' a reply... n' casualty takin' over the mail... subsidin' all your century old clandestine desires n' passions.. which if were not utterly useless n' disastrous... could have the ability of makin' even the Cleopatra moan. but you regret more for what you could have written than what you had.

n' now the chance has been lost. a chance that never looked like a chance. a chance no matter in how low an ebb it was... but still one. the words have already been written. the words have already been read. words which were totally harmless much to your likin'. words you could have played with a little more... words that could have strummed her elementary-hair-like-particles-in-one-of-her-toes maybe. words which could have initiated a simple ripple... turnin' into demandin' eddies... n' further into the starvin' whirlpool... with an epicentre where both you n' Megan could have lied naked in each other's arms like some vintage erotic paintin' by Picasso.

but the time is lost just as you're. n' you begin to think... this might be your perfect time to lose all your hopes... because by now you very well know... how Megan will go on livin' her life to its fullest completely unaffected... without any regrets n' without any knowledge that you'd ever written all this for her.

should i dare to think
in an one-eyed dream?
lives that we unshare
couldn't why we live?
the words you wrote
i told them too
all your thoughtful ghosts
i live them most.
unqualified heartbeats
can't ask for charm
i drown myself often
in the castles of your arms.
privacy of my schedule
makes me a mystery
n' my eyes become larger
when there's no light to help me see.
could we never walk?
by the frozen lake of time.
my heart starts forgettin'
when i see our finger tips touchin'.
should i dare to think
in an one-eyed dream?
lives that we unshare
couldn't why we live?

what you wrote:

Subject: will you ever read this yet-another-one-of-those-out-of-many-fan-mails?

dear megan,

i can’t believe i’m actually writin’ to you... n’ i’ve to regret this at the start of this mail.. no matter how much i try.. i can’t make this mail any different from a thousands you receive everyday.... n’ if you’re ever gonna read it.. i’m sure you might be tellin’ a why-at-all-need-to-make-it-different?... but i must assure you.. even if i’ll suck in the end... i’ll keep on tryin’ forever.

i was finishin’ the final pages of “second helpings” n’ was goin’ through jessica’s speech... n’ i was like so-oh-my-god... i had said those exact same lines to my mom in jan 2006. i felt so struck that a person like me already existed.. n’ it was jessica.

n’ oh by the way... i live in india.. n’ though i didn’t have no regrets for it ever... but i’m definitely havin’ second thoughts of sorts. i’ve finished readin’ both “sloppy firsts” n’ “second helpings”... but could no way manage to get “charmed thirds”... which means i’ll have to wait this wait till next year. sad isn’t it? i know.

n’ by the way.. how does jessica look like? i mean that won’t change the gravity she already has. but just wonderin’.

fanatically yours,
...

p.s. oh by the way.. you’re really very cute!

what Megan wrote:

Yes, I really do read all my email! I am so flattered to hear that you
could relate so well to Jessica, though I'm sure that such
identification comes with no small measure of angst.

As for Charmed Thirds, have you tried ordering it online via amazon.com
or bn.com?

To answer your question: Jessica has a thin runner's build, with medium
length brown hair that she doesn't bother to style into anything more
complicated than a ponytail. I think she's probably more attractive than
she thinks she is, but not a stunning beauty like Bridget. (And thanks
for the compliment, by the way!)

Thanks for writing! I must get back to work on book number four...

Best,
Megan