i know...

i know this. every emotion.. every breath.. the movement of my pupils... the trail my tears take... i know your words even before you speak.. i know how you feel.. even before you feel 'em. more precisely.. i know you.. all of you... it's like knowin' you more than i know myself. but still... i know me as well.. i just don't know why... i just don't know why. i've been nice to all of you... n' the price i pay to be so is my life.. i always end up losin' the part i love the most of it.. n' i do.. everytime.. each time. i know how the air feels now.. i know how the songs ring in the ears now.. i know how the pillow cover will try to embrace you because there's no one else. i know this long walk.. it's just me.

the analysis of me was perfect.. this is where everyone goes wrong. this is the part.. the un-understood.. the misread.. the unexplained....

all the times i keep on tellin' i hate myself.. i do. it's not what it sounds. it's not a lie either. but you don't get it. you don't get that it also means i love myself.. i love the way i'm. i don't feel anythin' to be ashamed of me which makes me. i love the way i feel.. i love the way i see things.. i love the way i understand or try to understand everythin'. i love the softness within me.. i love the goodness in me.. i love when i know i can make a difference.. i love when i can make everyone happy. i don't see anythin' in my life which i should give up.. n' that's the reason i don't. the fact that i still hate myself is because... after everythin'.. i just couldn't do anythin' for me.. not a single thing.. n' i keep on hurtin' myself. n' still do it. n' that's a good enough reason to hate anyone.. it's just me.. so i hate myself.

n' all the other times i keep on tellin' i deserve what i get.. i lie. i don't think i deserve so much of pain every time. i never meant anyone harm.. even to people who meant nothin' but just harm. yeah.. that's true. but this is what it ends with.. i endin' up cryin' in the staircase.. n' wipe my tears as i come down so that not a single soul can make out. no. i don't deserve this.

n' now i refuse. i refuse everythin'. i refuse this world. i refuse these people. i refuse myself too. i know how to grow old.. n' i think i was doin' all fine. life interfered. that's all. it's not gonna interfere again. i won't let it.