Fear....

i wonder what it is.... does it come right with us or is fed to us sometime later? or do i’ve this right to use words like “us” in this post when it’s all just a personal realization even though i see it all around me within others. it’s still a personal observation. i wonder is it the world around or is it just me?

n’ it’s so everywhere.... starts with darkness perhaps. i had this fear of the dark since long time back. as if my pupils feared to contract as the darkness expanded.... diminishin’ every syndrome of light......... n’ this fear propagates everywhere. inside that extremely crowded bus where a strange kind of fear creeps in when the passenger’s stoppage point comes nearby..... he fears that the bus won’t stop there...or it’ll....but he won’t make it to the door before the bus starts movin’ again. the fear when you hire a taxi..... that fear increases when the driver makes an delay to turn the meter on... the fear drops rushin’ high inside you...you askin’ immediately.... “meter workin’?”..... n’ this taxi syndrome still shows others symptoms even if the meter is turned on immediately..... “if he’s makin’ a deliberate long route”.... n’ you no longer just sit there......but calculate the whole journey....how long n’ how much it would have costed if he had taken a left instead of that last right. there’s also a fear inside while orderin’ food in a family outin’. the lady fears if item X is better than item Y.... n’ it creates a whole lot of confusion before orderin’ either of the two. fear between the time you put your hands inside your pockets to find that coin..... till you find that thing poppin’ out from the kiosk...... any slight delay for some technical anomaly so often makes us even shake the whole thing...... probably it’s fear overpowerin’ us once again.

n’ it’s so everywhere.... from the core to the surface..... from the most complicated to the most simplified entities. n’ just for a while cast away all those fears that are rated as a mental crises in the medical dictionaries.... i’m talkin’ about all the ‘phobias’...... but the more dangerous ones..... that’re termed very normal. the ones that i’ve always been a victim..... the ones that maybe you’ve always been a victim.

the fear when i buy somethin’.... the fear of an unhealthy bargain.... the fear that my friend might have bought it at a cheaper rate. i’ve seen young girls particularly inside shoppin’ malls. wearin’ a relatively shorter dress.... n’ the word ‘relatively’ has been chosen to deny conflicts.... n’ their hands reachin’ at the back portion of the dress tryin’ to pull it down quite more than frequently. now honestly.... i’ve got no clue what’s that fear all about..... for revealin’ say another 5 cms would hardly make any difference.... but still....it must be some form of fear. it’s fear again that shows up probably at each bite she takes.... i’m talkin’ about any non-fat girl.... she need not even be a thin girl for this....but she fears that the calories right inside the next bite she’s gonna take would cost her that extra amount of fat in the most inappropriate place of her whole body!

the ones without any apparent job has got the fear of not gettin’ one.... n’ the ones who has it..... oh god they have a whole garage of fear..... infact they’re the fulcrums where the lever of fear resides viciously. some of them primarily fear of losin’ the job.... others fear that their job may never get better..... n’ the rest fear that all their colleagues n’ non-colleagues are doin’ a better one than them.

n’ then we’ve got the more serious ones.... like the fear of growin’ old – the ones between the young n’ the old have it...... the fear of death – definitely the old have it...... the fear of not gettin’ married – in my kind of society the parents have it the most..... the fear of gettin’ married – definitely i’ve the most! n’ strangely enough sometimes we fear from somethin’ that may not even exist for real. like fear of losin’ someone. but do we really know who actually belongs to us?.... for bein’ apparently close n’ inherently close are two different behaviors. n’ not only that. we tend to react to this fear n’ we start behavin’ differently for we fear that the person may not like it.... n’ we so often end up doin’ things that we actually don’t want to do for this fear..... n’ sometimes we don’t do things that we actually want to do.

but the greatest fear inside me that has conquered me for more than long is the fear of bein’ lonely... fear of bein’ left out...... fear of bein’ opted out. probably because it has been more than often that i’ve been hit upon by these consequences of which fear only acts as a ventilator.... but it’s not only scary....it’s also sad. this is an age where we’ve probed what’s there in the neighborin’ planet or tryin’ to make radio contact with the people we don’t even know for sure if they exist in some other galaxies. n’ we’re.... i mean most of us are growin’ so old with this fear of solitude. probably we’ve already lost the opportunity to raise any fingers against anyone who has left us alone for either we have or we will leave someone else alone too.

but i’ve got this one question to you mr. god. if it’s correct that you did create me... me as the human..... a more generic term..... i must say you did a brilliant job. for i love most of me. i love not only my special abilities like secondary thinkin’ n’ the art of disriminatin’ which have always fascinated me n’ given me the greatest of joys perhaps...... an art which even you don’t seem to possess.... as you insist more on equality n’ even claim of treatin’ everyone else equally which is totally unacceptable to me...... i do love my short comings as well – the ones like my feature of gettin’ confused.... my limited knowledge.... my ignorance.... my syndromes of makin’ errors that too repeatedly...... gettin’ disappointed n’ gettin’ lost quite often.......jealousy.....anger.. n’ everythin’ else..... but i only have severe n’ sincere doubts about all this fear thing that you’ve given to me..... i mean to such an extent? that it revolves around me with so much stubbornness that i can’t overcome it even though i know about it. n’ it’s funny....for even though you’ve given me the free will which means i can make any choice i want to make.... you’ve also filled me with immense fear heedin’ to which i can never exercise that free will of mine completely.... as if it’s your way of puttin’ your hands inside your pockets n’ turnin’ your back.

       

all my fears immensely amaze me and larger than that, my denial amazes me; my denial to shed all those fears even when i’m not ignorant. and in this world where i’ve lost quite a lot of everythin’ more than lots, i somehow don’t lose those fears, not even in magnitude. my oldness has only succeeded to multiply it.

       

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