a couple of days back.....i was talkin on the phone with you...... well i don't wanna take your name as they say..."to protect the innocent"..... but our conversation reminded me the state of mind i was once in........ah! yeah! you can tell that was the time when i was still young.....the grass was greener.....the taste was sweeter...... when time was forever!......n' this strange feelin you have to decide something....... i too once thought about what love n' friendship was all about.....well everyone has their own definitions... n' i once again admire the irony of fate.....as it always have....and the phone line got cut in the middle of our conversation......when you're just about to mention where the difference lied between the two entities........well to me...both of them are so complicated to define.....yet sounds so simple when you possess them .......i know its really very hard to compare them........ both of them are very hard to find....... if you say so in true sense of the term....... but if someone asks me......."which is more complex?"......i'd tell him that it'll be friendship......for i believe what you feel for someone when you say that you love that person.......can be felt to the highest extreme...... only once, unlike friendship......or to put it in very simple note...... i believe that nothing can be more profound than first love........ you may love someone else later...... but the state you remain in the first case can only be felt.......n' not described.......if you ask me if i was in that state.......i gotta say yes, for i can't lie in this place.....n' the first thing that comes to my mind when i was really enjoyin the state.....was the sense of relief i used to get with the uncertainity.....the helplessness......the feelin of paralysed emotions that always seem to captivate me ...n' i somehow really liked all of it....... those were the times i used to sleep real less.....n' yet i wasn't sleepless at all.......n' i still wonder where did all the energy come from... n' where did it go........ all i could remember was that i always used to be busy thinkin about situations n' fit her in those places......n' simply watch n' enjoy her..... n' i also remember that i used to smile when i did it.......so always had to close the doors so that i was never caught!....the very thought of her acted like the fuel.....n' it seemed......i was never short of it......boy!...now i feel i had really lost my sanity.....my behaviour may not be guided by logic.....everyone says that love gives you immense joy.....n' i somehow found that pleasure in my pain and seeked comfort in my wounds.....that was the time when i started to love this cacotopia.....n' i don't regret for what i did......n' that was it.....that was the only thing i did in my story......i only thought about her.......never mentioned it to her.....never mentioned it to anyone else... infact this is the first time i've ever mentioned it!......n' no....fear was not the factor that stopped me from mentionin it........fear of losin her was never the case with me...... i felt that as if confessin my love wasn't the essential part.......i thought that i loved her......n' that was enough......i didn't need anythin else........ that was my idea of an unconditional love.......for i believed n' i still do......true love is somethin really unconditional.......so much so that you can't even ask or expect someone to love you back...... n' yes.....that gave me a lot of pain......and that wasn't easy at all......but somehow......i kind of developed a likin for it.......sometimes i used to cry in those nights......not because i didn't have her by my side.........but maybe sometimes its too painful n' i bursted out.......n' that was how the story ended......but even now.....sometimes......i get a glimpse of it.....though it lack the lustre now......but it still refreshes my memories.......which still remain......n' probably will always remain........its been quite long years...since the time she went out of my life........n' infact it'd be wrong to say so.......for she never stepped in....... but she was a part of me.....each single day i passed... n' what if she never knew about it...... what if she never realized a bit how i felt about her........it was all her essence that i only required to complete my love for her.....which i always possess........n' i regret not...but i'm proud of this.......that i never acted the way most others do.......then maybe i'd have ended the way most others did..... but now when i stop to see what i got....... i still find her in the same place.....in the same state......in the same flamboyance........that she used to be then........n' that makes me really happy that she'd always be in that form forever.......something which even time cannot erase!
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase.....
.......I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have......all of me
0 Comments:
Post a Comment