n' i don't know what i mean...but i mean it!

somethings get out of my hands...n' it's beyond the reach of an explainable doctrine......you know somethin is happenin....you're not surprised by the behaviour....you don't seek for the reason shield...not that you've all those explanations.....but you somehow don't feel the need of it.

i was very scared....all terrified.....scared that i'll be betrayed...not by anyone else but myself.....i was scared that i'll be suddenly left out without an agenda.....sometimes i was scared to stand outside...n' kept on tryin to come inside........sometimes i was too scared to face the openness.....n' ended up lockin every door n' window that i could have found.....i was scared to open my hands as i was still holdin a handful of rice.....i was scared for it'll slip away.....but not anymore.....i feel i even like this fallin of the rice from my hands....the sound it makes with the wind that's blowin........i thought it was makin me cold deep down inside.......but i was wrong.......it was only tryin to make the symphony perfect.....i feel i also like the tickle... the fallin rice makes with the finger bases....as it falls down......i feel i like to see my hand all opened now.....showin me the lines...now even darker because of the long time clenchin posture.

i feel like i'm walkin all alone in the vast openness....but this solitude is actually helpin me to get rid of the alien feelin that sometimes creeps inside me....for it's only me...there's no one else with whom a comparasion can be made...based on which they declare someone an alien....i feel like i'm walkin.......but i don't know where i've been.....i don't know where i'm headin to.......i don't know where i'm standin right now....no guidelines to follow....no clues to explore....no goal actually set inside my mind...i feel i'm only walkin..........but strangely enough.....i've somehow grabbed this feelin.....that i'm walkin in the right direction.....even though i'm unaware...not only of my destination...but also of my desires...i'm not even bothered to read the directions...as i'm happier to continue walkin...i don't know where these roads will meet.....i don't know if i'll find someone in the middle....but i still feel i'll reach somethin real sacred.....i feel i'm headin for some good place..........

i cannot explain the origin of my feelings....n' probably even if i could..i wouldn't have......i don't know what i mean.....but still.. i mean it...

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