dearly beloved

talkin' to you has been mostly fun... n' it was just the same... yesterday too. hangin' up the phone without your approval wasn't meant to be. n' i really had to rush off after that.... for i didn't feel too good either. n' then the poetry started for i could remember only flashes. i could remember puttin' the receiver down... i could remember quickly givin' the booth owner a 500 rupee bill.... i could remember him callin' me from the back to give me the change which i didn't take..... i could remember gettin' into a very crowded bus n' somehow gettin' stacked onto a corner..... i could remember not noticin' anythin' at all but i was all so concerned not to cry in that public bus........ i could remember my tremblin' lips as it always happens whenever i try hard not to cry when i so want to.... n' then i could remember nothin' at all. i was mostly circlin' around all the words that i wanted to tell you... which i'm so sure i couldn't remember now..... n' what i'm writin' now has got no business with what i wanted to say to you last night..... but it hardly matters.... trust me.

few things i want you to know... but i ask not to understand them. what i want or wanted has got nothin' to do with what i do or have been doin'.... but maybe i just feel what i'm doin' has to be done. n' just like you said...it's a no win situation... n' like i said... you're right...just like you always were. but maybe i never knew how to win... or maybe at some point of time.... i didn't want to win no more. but maybe i shall lose it my way. because that's somethin' i know... n' i know it well.

i've found you always more reasonable n' composed than i'm... n' i've told you that probably a lot of times.. n' i also remember that you didn't quite agree to that too often.. infact never. but i meant what i said. n' most of the times you do the right things... i mean mostly... n' that's good. but just for the record... maybe as a well wisher... i'd like to say somethin' to you..... right now... now as in these years of yours... your younger years.... do everythin' with some amount of care n' keep your fingers crossed.... because trust me.... you're gonna look back at these times again n' again when these years would go away.... just like i do... n' so what if you've to lie to your parents when you go out for a date... trust me.. it won't look like a lie ten years after.

but when i look back... i know it's kind of early to say so... but still when i look back at the little bit of everythin'... i mostly look at what i'd found out in those years..... i've found out... just like that your best buddy with whom you've lived 4 years of graduation years can ask you to leave one day...... i've found out that one person for whom you're ready to wait for the rest of everythin'.... can ask you not to contact her again when you just wished her on her birthday.... i've found out that someone can easily leave you for someone else just because you can't afford a great future or maybe someone else can buy her a more expensive one..... i've found out that people start lookin' for you when they've found out that all the other people have left them n' you're the best bargain..... i've found out that gettin' disappeared... almost completely... is as easy as just changin' your numbers n' id's... no matter your whole batch lives in the same city... but shazaam... you're invisible.

i've found out people who are such fast readers that they don't even ever notice what they thought to be a coma was actually a tear drop...i've found out that people mostly love you because they know exactly that you love them.... n' they wouldn't have started lovin' you ... if they'd the slightest of doubts that you didn't.. i've found out that i'd mostly spent all those years with trapezes of confusion... whether to live life with all the lies or with all the truths... i've found out that i'd spend most of those years... while cryin' in the dark.

n' i believe you... just like i always did.... so there's no point in shoutin' at me sayin' "you think i'm lyin'?".... coz i know you're not. but i rate lyin' as different from sayin' somethin' when you're not so sure about the truth... n' i'm not assumin' things. no i'm not. it's only you who told me...... you've got no one to talk to online. n' maybe that's the reason you want to talk to me... coz right now... you've got no one better. but tomorrow's gonna be a different day right?... just like yesterday. do you remember when we were both online. probably at that time you had a big online fraternity at your disposal..... n' when i used to give an im.. i really had to wait for a reply... because you had a lot of replies to give... n' i hope you get that time back soon when you're back to that spot light once again.. n' trust me.. then... you're not even gonna remember me... let alone miss me.

n' don't worry about sen. he handles everythin' perfectly. n' just for the record... how can i be bothered by him... just because you find him sweet can't really affect me a great deal when you tell me he had asked you about me... coz when i was actually alive.. he never bothered a sigh for me.... n' the last time i felt him.. i thought he was in head-over-heels kinda love with someone... n' trust me.. durin' those times... people are mostly happy. i've been through it.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand..... it'd have been really fun if we were together .... maybe just for a while. then i could have told you that i would have always chosen opel mehta over jessica darling... if ever i was given a chance.... then i could have told you there's this one guy who is teachin' me english.. i mean what's n' how's about english... like how to write a sentence... n' also a great deal of grammar like "you "have" to" n' not "you "has" to"... then i could have told you about this another guy who tells me how i should grow up in terms of my music taste... n' while he says so... he actually lifts his hands slightly just when he says the term "grow up"... then there're people who believes not usin' a mouse while usin' the computer but only their keyboards is a cool kinda thing which gives them an edge over everyone else… n' i could have definitely told you about this girl i came across recently who has a technically wrong name... n' oh.. just for the record.. she doesn't pee. trust me.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand i could have told you about those eyes of the blind... n' their scattered braile scripts... about those handbags of flashbacks... about all those almost n' maybe's... the nightfalls n' the myths... n' some part of the forgotten history.... about all those bargained dreams n' second hand happiness... about the signs that led me to nowhere... n' the singalong sorrows... about curtains n' window panes... pillow covers n' bedsheets n' all those times when i used to cry in the dark.

n' maybe then…. i could have told you that findin' you was just like findin' someone i always wanted to find... but maybe findin' you was also findin' someone while standin' in a not-so-long-queue..... no matter how much i find you interestin' or how much fun i've with you while standin' together... all i can hope for is … this queue would never end n' we could stay on like this forever…. but our turns would come n' then we'd go different ways... n' i just had to wait... when i shall lose sight of you.. when you completely disappear in the maddenin' crowd..... when i shall fail to hear your oh-so-sweet voice in the self imposin' cacophony. you really were a beautifully unplanned dream i dreamt…. but i gotta wake up.

**sigh**... n' i just want a life with just me... n' nobody else. i know it's not an easy choice.. but i believe i've already taken it. i just want to go away so far... that nobody could reach me even if they want to... so far that nobody could ever understand me... even if they want to.

n' i sincerely believe nobody would want to be a part of this plan.. n' nobody should.... n' sometimes it's good to be on your own. but the worst part… it's not so good a feelin' when you've got nothin' at all to wait for. but you stay cool.. n' you stay happy. for you've a crowded life.... n' you should love every part of it.

incorrigibly yours,
....

p.s. the sorrow to own a broken heart is not because you've to start lookin' for the pieces lyin' around everywhere... because it hardly matters even if you miss some of them. the hardest part is... all the secrets that were burried inside it .....escape. not even escape.. they're stolen... nothin' should allow those secrets to lose you... not even a broken heart.