come on....

n’ it was quite likely that someday.... as i’d grow up..... i’d be hatin’ myself. somebody told me this i don’t remember who. but whoever he was.... he did have some vision. that day must not be too far if only it didn’t come already.

my mother always used to “shout” at me in the mornings. well i never took that in a wrong way. that was her way of sayin’ goodmornin’ to me. i can’t blame her if it was different from mine. although i found it a little strange when i thought about.... why wakin’ up late was considered as a “sin” by my mother. my curiosity increased beyond dimensions when i found out that it was considered so by most mothers. but still i never considered myself lazy. n’ i had reasons too. i never was a blind believer. not even of myself. i had always found someone better than me who could do the work given to me in a better way. i always believed in performance.... rather than givin’ importance to negligible issues like who actually did the work. well my mother did insist on my learnin’ of a musical instrument... which i didn’t.... for which i regret now.... but i didn’t regret then. i still had my reasons. i always thought if there was a better band who could play most of the musical instruments in a better way.... n’ the records are mostly available..... why do i need to learn it myself. as if there’s no other way to get music.

but lately i feel i’ve become a bit lazy. n’ strangely enough.... i’ve started hatin’ myself as i feel so. not that my laziness has affected me or anyone else in anyway. but i feel my behavior is becomin’ a bit different. n’ that “different” thing is actually botherin’ me. although it’s strange i admit. as if i’ve achieved perfection in me that i don’t like to change. well maybe i’vent. but i still believe even if someday i do reach perfection.... changin’ myself won’t help much in that cause.

but still.... things have become a little out of control now. yesterday i went out to have my lunch. but i decided to skip it. just didn’t feel like crossin’ the road. suddenly i felt crossin’ roads is particularly difficult. i don’t know how people do it. i did it a couple of times myself. but i don’t remember how did i do it. well standin’ on the crossroads... i can do.... but crossin’ roads. a bit tough.

yesterday... i also bought some clothes. almost an entire “wardrobe”. although shoppin’ has always provided me heavenly bliss. but this time... it was different. i did my shoppin’ because all my clothes were dirty.... when i didn’t have to wash it myself. i only need to hand it to the person that comes to my room. damn it! things are not headin’ somewhere great. probably i’m still alive only because home is a far far place from here.

n’ probably it’s extremely pleasant to sit just bein’ idle.... on a sunday afternoon.... when there’s no cable. i just can bear it when i’ve to kill my televised timings. n’ i was mostly thinkin’ of voices. voices in general n’ how they’ve a deep impact on my life. i just can’t believe i’m so vulnerable to voices. i become an addict to certain voices n’ i don’t even realize. n’ like everythin’ else... it has a darker side as well. i can so easily hate someone when i don’t like their voice. i know it’s crazy but i just can’t help it. there’s this girl i “occasionally” talk strictly over the phone. well there’s nothin’ much to be described about her voice. i hate that voice. if she ever falls into a situation when she’s on the verge of drownin’.... n’ she’s cryin’ for help n’ i’m just standin’ on the shore.... my first reaction will be.... “oh shut up!”.

       

it was only yesterday i got to know that someone hated someone n’ that actually made me real happy. not because i hated that same person or i’m generally a sadist kind of person.... but i realized that “hating” is a very essential human trait. i feel everyone should hate atleast someone if not everyone else!

       

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