n’ a realization....

it’s a dream kind thing. the ones that you tend to forget. but forgettin’ ain’t the keyword here. i’m referrin’ to the little snapshots of the dream that comes back. n’ you tend to feel somethin’. i felt somethin’ last night. i don’t know.... probably it was the whole last year from May that was comin’ back to me or was it somethin’ else. wish i could have been sure sometimes.

but even in the realms of my “un”surety.... this realization has marked me with fear. n’ again i’m not even sure if i need to make a confession. but there’re no reasons to hide as well. my definitions n’ concepts of certain subjects are the root of this realization. n’ the central subject referred to here is love..... the love i thought i always possessed or possess for a special one. i mean if i make a objective approach although i know i must not be allowed to do so as i’m dealin’ with a real subjective issue. but for once i want to break this little rule.

point one. i always wanted to be sure if the other person loved me n’ once i get hold of that feelin’.... nothin’ much bothered me as in if she’s stayin’ with me or without me.

point two. never liked the idea of basin’ an entire relationship on sensitive subjects like trust which don’t quite imply that i’m offerin’ a permission to cheat on me. but i generally don’t like to know things that she wants to hide from me n’ still i neither feel insecure nor offended.

point three. seemed to be always in a hurry not knowin’ why. used to have this feelin’ that relationships don’t last forever like everythin’. so all the love must be shown n’ given now without any delays n’ breaks.

point four. never had a problem of backin’ off in “whatever” issues possibly related. could possibly let go someone if she wants to without even askin’ a single why.

point five. no matter how much i love or want to love.... in the end... it is somehow not good enough.

point six. the love i bore is possibly without any compassion. for the love i bore don’t seem to have any consequence but love itself. but it’s probably the only way i know where to walk.

n’ the sublimity of the relationship between these six points although amused me..... the conclusion disturbed me to quite an extent. as all these six points were pointin’ to somethin’.... n’ it took me a while to know what it was. n’ finally i found it. it was the male form a mistress..... where the male keeps objectionable relationship with a woman already committed. i mean this is where all these six points will exactly fit in. n’ although i was never uncomfortable with the idea of love that i had...... but the status of an adulterer? made me depressed....

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