n' i don't understand why??

no i don't...i always keep on waitin....sustainin even my last breath...but still i come late..... try my last inch even...to please everyone i know...to please everyone i don't know...still i end up hurtin everyone..... one truth that i've to live for the rest of my life...one truth that i'm livin every breath.....i thought this guilt will be enough to not let me grow any taller....but still i guess...the weight is still to put on......i thought "sorry" is too vulgar a word...n' so i don't use it..once the damage is done......but does it mean i don't feel any pain at all?......no matter how much i keep on hidin....does it mean i have lost the desire to be found?...i don't understand why...or rather should i say what went wrong yet again...

but hey...isn't this the picture i've already drawn.....haven't i seen every image before it actually happened?...yes....probably i deserve it.......yes i do...n' i stand here once again.....the last man out of the circus...has to lock up everythin....n' here i'm....the jester...who follows lenin's doctrines....

i say it's not that i didn't try
i say it's not that i really love to wait
i say i too like to be "un"dry
i say i always almost make it
i say i might have touched you once
i say but it's not anymore.
i told you once the rules
where everythin means nothin
n' nothin means everythin...
i know i didn't tell what manipulative mean.
i thought i didn't have to say everythin...